Saturday, September 22, 2012

"No Question is a 'Dumb' Question" and other Fables

You know what makes me feel fuzzy inside? The memory from high school of teachers ending classes with my favorite blanket statement of all time:

"Does anyone have any questions? Remember, no question is a dumb question!"

God that makes me cringe. The amount of hand-holding that went on during my education was unbearable. I get that the purpose is to encourage people to speak out even if they're shy, but a little tough love here and there would have been a better favor to people than pretending as though some questions weren't just idiotic. I conceptualized this post a while ago, but what I needed was a real, RECENT example. And then I got it.

Last night I was sitting in my hotel room eating hairy sushi for one (not joking) when I got a conference call from my beloved co-workers in DC (Hola a todos). Having a degree in Political Science has qualified me to answer all science oriented questions, and so when they were having an origin of life-based debate, they obviously knew who to call. The question went as follows:

"So like...if time machines were real, and you were a dude, and you went back in time and got your mom pregnant....could you be your own father?"

Suffice to say, something clicked in my head: THIS was just the breakthrough example I needed to prove my what I have known all along--There ARE dumb questions.

You can OBVIOUSLY be your own father.

I'm not saying it would be pretty--being born of your own sperm sounds a bit messy. I think it'd play out a little like this, a clip from one of my favorite South Park episodes.

So there you have it. A really, really stupid question.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

"You'd Better Redneckognize"

That, my friends, is the mantra of my new favorite diva child in this world, Honey Boo Boo.



I watched TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for my very first time last night, and let me just say this: I was blind, but now I see.

My initial reaction was indignation. Watching Mamma and Sugar Bear romp around with Honey Boo Boo and Glitzy the pig while I sat on my bed WITHOUT a nickname was too much to handle. I soon stopped being a hater, googled 'Honey Boo Boo Nickname Generator' and found that my nickname would be 'Allie Giggles' should I decide to relocate to McIntyre, Georgia. I got into their scene REAL quick--and I haven't looked back since.

From what I understand, Alana (alias Honey Boo Boo) was a contestant on my OTHER favorite TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras. She was just SO over the top (thanks, in no small part, to her pre-pageant ritual of chugging Mountain Dew) that she and her family earned their own show. The show chronicals her quest through pageantry and the sacrifices the family members make to help her stay in the game. 

This HuffPo article claims that Honey Boo Boo gained more ratings than Bill Clinton's speech at the DNC (at least those that tuned into CNN). Good for those people. I WISH I had skipped Bill and watched HBB--am I really the only person I that found his speech to be slimy and unbearable?

Opponents of Honey Boo Boo think that she and her family paint an inaccurate picture of the American South. To those people I say calm down, find a hobby, or just stfu. You're the ones choosing to compare yourselves to them, and I somehow doubt they give a shit about representing you. HBB's mom June, "Mamma", analyzes the opponents with this logic:

"I don't claim to represent all of Georgia, I've never said that. Those haters that are criticizing us about what's on the show are watching us every week. So we call them our 'closet fans', people who don't wanna admit they watch the show."

LOVE that attitude--but really, what I love most about what I've seen so far is the fact that everyone seems so comfortable just being themselves. It's so refreshing. As much as I dig the Kardashians and their fake problems, I gotta say I'm so into HBB.

Instead of justifying why I'm spending my free time watching reality TV instead of working my way through Atlas Shrugged, please refer my academic essay In Defense of Trash TV. Here's an HBB extended promo...as if you need more convincing.  

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Stacks on Stacks on Snax

I read a Huffington Post article titled Bon Appetit: Snacks from the '90s We Love and Miss and I just have a few comments...

Surge Soda
How are you going to mention Surge and NOT discuss the fact that everybody thought it was a sperm killer? Rumor or not, that was a very integral part of Surge's shelf-life as a Coke product, and a disgrace to the marketing team that must have spent MANY sleepless nights thinking of ways to convince the middle school population that their ability to produce off-spring wouldn't be affected by this Mountain Dew knock-off. Huge oversight, imo.

Doritos 3D
Couldn't agree more with HuffPo on this one. I hated 3D Doritos. I'm in a distinct camp of people that believe Doritos have been on the down-swing since the '90s--a phenonomen I detail in greater length here. The introduction of 3DD to the chip market was a blow to the Dorito legacy.

Air Heads
Can anyone, anywhere, tell me what White Mystery was? SOS.

Oreo O's
This one goes out to the one, the only, Sheila Gilchrist. The final arbiter of all things Oreo (be it Cakesters, Golden, or DoubleStuf variety) in the Gilchrist household. Loved that shit like crack. Glad this cereal is getting a well-deserved spot in the mainstream media.

War Heads
This candy did not make the list and I'm baffled. Where I come from, War Heads weren't just candy--they served as currency. Lemon was the equivalent of the penny, whereas getting a Blackberry was akin to having crisp Benjamin in your wallet. Social mobility was quite fluid in a society where wealth came in the form of War Heads. You could go from rags to riches in no time, so long as your mom bought the 500 piece bag. Anyone could be Elementary Royalty. Who doesn't miss that?

Oh, and HuffPo, you forgot Ring Pops.


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Protect This House: I Would Have...

Headlining today's edition of Disappointing Athletics Weekly is a story detailing how my Fantasy Team is projected to lose Week 1 AND the Tough Mudder I was scheduled to dominate today was cancelled due to excessive traffic from Saturday's proceedings...

Too much traffic? Seriously? WEAK.  

I did a Tough Mudder with my friends about a year ago in NJ and was really looking forward to getting shockingly dirty, crawling through tunnels, tackling the 'Arctic Enema' with my co-workers, and sharing victory beers with regulation Dos-Equis biddies sporting Tough Mudder bikinis and aviator shades. We even had TWO different patterned bandanas ready for the photo ops (baby blue and American flag themed, obv).

I wanted to stay in bed and mourn all day, but couldn't ignore the fact it was a beautiful day in Washington. Further, I was more than sufficiently carbo-loaded after last night's team bonding event at what is probably the most obnoxious, family-style Italian restaurant in all of DC--Buca di Beppo. I needed to sweat.

So, I suited up and headed out on my usual route that takes me to the Lincoln Memorial where I predicted I would half-heartedly Rocky my way up the stairs and engage in only 10 - 12 seconds of meager fist-pumping as opposed to my usual 30. To my chagrin, the tourists in DC made it impossible for me to properly display my usual glory. DC Tourists are famously unaware of the reality that despite the fact that THEY are on vacation, some of us sharing the sidewalks have places to BE and things to ACCOMPLISH. I was so, so angry at all of them AND their neon group t-shirts.

It's not even 5PM yet but goodnight world.

Update Monday Sept. 10: I actually won my first Fantasy Week. Holl@

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Olympics: Re-Defined

I miss the Olympics--the London 2012 Games changed my life. Lolo Jones' abs inspired me to add sit-ups to my daily routine for like 2 days. I'm not the same person.



I'm really into the Olympics, but I actually find it to be a disservice to the spirit of regular people. Superior athletic ability is beautiful, awe-inspiring, fascinating, etc. etc.--but really, everyday people are just as talented. Where's MY torch?

Events that I would OWN:

- Losing my keys
- Hugging my cat
- Not recycling
- Drinking Diet Coke (I average 8-9 a day so come see me for that Gold)
- Over-identifying with the What Should We Call Me tumblr
- Cracking my iPhone despite having a case
- Hating babies

Great resume, right? It's unreal that I haven't been tapped by any sponsors yet. Don't worry, I'll hook you all up with some VIP seats at the Inaugural Ordinary People-lympics.