It's official. My passport (est. 2006) is lost and has to be replaced. Whilst searching my apartment I came to realize something about myself--and as we well know the first step to sustainable recovery is public and shame-inducing admission. So, here we go...
My name is Allison. I am a Memory-Hoarder.
After a rigorous Google session I was able to conclusively determine memory hoarding is both under-researched and severely under-treated. I visited the WebMD Symptom Checker and selected my irregularities (excessive sweating, feeling fearful, food cravings, inability to care for self and short stature) and my result was agoraphobia. Thanks, WebMD. Clearly going to have to define memory hoarding myself:
Memory Hoarding (n.) - A disorder characterized by an inability to distinguish between true mementos and clutter. The patient often experiences temporary paralysis at the very idea of being under-prepared for any life circumstance. Justifies hoarding with claims of the clutter having intrinsic value.
I am undoubtedly MH+. Here are some of the gems I uncovered during my search:
Memory Hoarding (n.) - A disorder characterized by an inability to distinguish between true mementos and clutter. The patient often experiences temporary paralysis at the very idea of being under-prepared for any life circumstance. Justifies hoarding with claims of the clutter having intrinsic value.
I am undoubtedly MH+. Here are some of the gems I uncovered during my search:
- My Juice Jam ticket from 2007--signed by Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind. How many times have I seen 3eb? 15? 20? I think that era of my life is definitely over. I don't need to relive any of those concerts.
- A football ticket stub from Syracuse v. University of Washington (?) from the same year. I'm sure that was a great time with all my awkward first month of freshman year friends. Love you guys.
- A football ticket stub from Syracuse v. University of Washington (?) from the same year. I'm sure that was a great time with all my awkward first month of freshman year friends. Love you guys.
- A field hockey shirt that realistically hasn't touched my body in at least 7 years. Emblazoned with the typical field hockey mantra "Don't let the skirt fool you" across the chest, this t-shirt may very well be the most regrettable/embarrassing purchase of my entire life.
- Immigration papers that nobody ever bothered to collect from me in Brazil (but what if I ever go back and they realize they never took them from me???)
- Hotel room keys from a work trip to NYC. Necessary.
- Model UN placard from the year I represented Kazakhstan. Ok.
- "Get Well Soon" cards from 4th grade. Good memory.
- 2 or 3 pairs of headphones with one or both earphones broken.
- 8 empty shampoo/condish bottles lining my shower.
It's time for a life change. I need to revamp the organizational structure of my apartment. My passport was the first victim of my hoarding and it's not farfetched to think my cat will be next.
But mostly I want to know: Do you think my condition is grounds enough to check into some ritzy celebrity rehab, or am I going to need to get caught driving drunk and in possession coke like Lindsey Lohan? I just want to know what my options are.
Thank you and Goodbye.
- Hotel room keys from a work trip to NYC. Necessary.
- Model UN placard from the year I represented Kazakhstan. Ok.
- "Get Well Soon" cards from 4th grade. Good memory.
- 2 or 3 pairs of headphones with one or both earphones broken.
- 8 empty shampoo/condish bottles lining my shower.
It's time for a life change. I need to revamp the organizational structure of my apartment. My passport was the first victim of my hoarding and it's not farfetched to think my cat will be next.
But mostly I want to know: Do you think my condition is grounds enough to check into some ritzy celebrity rehab, or am I going to need to get caught driving drunk and in possession coke like Lindsey Lohan? I just want to know what my options are.
Thank you and Goodbye.
