I don't know if you know this about me, but last spring I won a $100 in the Victoria's Secret Reward Card. Given this track record, it is all but absolutely guarunteed that I will take the entirety of the record-breaking pot in the Powerball drawing tonight. In anticipation of my soon to-be $500 million net worth--I will enter my plans into public record:
To Do:
1.) Establish a well-endowed trust for my cat because I was informed today that he cannot be listed as my primary OR secondary 401k beneficiary.
2.) Allocate a percentage of my after-tax winnings to fund my favorite think-tanks/non-profits in the DC area.
3.) Found and fund my own Latin America-oriented microfinance operation with a special focus on researching the scarf market in Quito, Ecuador to come with strategies for sustainability and eventual entry into the world of high fashion.
4.) Buy my way onto Jeopardy(!) so I can flirt shamelessly with Alex Trebek and revel in his awkward brilliance.
5.) Pay someone to become intimately familiar in my personal fashion choices and stalk LOFT so I don't have to. This person will also be responsible for being real with me when it's officially time to graduate to Ann Taylor.
6.) Lobby for Entitlement Reform, hard.
7.) Hike Mt. Kilamanjaro. I'm coming for you Killy.
Those are my immediate concerns. For everyone out there, I know it sucks to be you, but just keep this song in mind.
See you all on the other side!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
iThankful
I don't go home very often, but when I do, I beez in the trap.
I'm thankful for these tricks and for dental insurance:
My Thanksgiving is always a motley assortment of family, friends and traditional as well as non-traditional American holiday fare because I don't like turkey or stuffing or any other Thanksgiving food. This year's menu included Chicken Parm (f-ing delicious), a Halal turkey, and mac & cheese. I'm still not over it.
Highlights from this year included Val saying 'Grace' (fan fave), discussion about why Animal Farm the movie is THE scariest movie and the Redskins beating Dallas. RGIII (RG Tree) is my fantasy QB while Romo rides the bench so it was a little awkward, but mostly great.
I'm thankful for these tricks and for dental insurance:
My Thanksgiving is always a motley assortment of family, friends and traditional as well as non-traditional American holiday fare because I don't like turkey or stuffing or any other Thanksgiving food. This year's menu included Chicken Parm (f-ing delicious), a Halal turkey, and mac & cheese. I'm still not over it.
Highlights from this year included Val saying 'Grace' (fan fave), discussion about why Animal Farm the movie is THE scariest movie and the Redskins beating Dallas. RGIII (RG Tree) is my fantasy QB while Romo rides the bench so it was a little awkward, but mostly great.
Following our repast, my sisters and I take part in a Bacchus-inspired event that involves an iPod dock, 90's anthems, and dining room binge-drinking in leggings. I haven't dabbled much in Kings since 'Cuse, but on this particular holiday my sisters and I always play with eachother, our SOs (if they can handle it) and very close friends that may as well be family.This year we ammended the bylaws to account for incidentals of yesteryears:
My trip home reminded me of just how lucky I am to have my sisters as best friends. I'm thankful for the times I laugh so hard that my stomach cramps up. I'm thankful for the fact that Sheila downloaded the One Hour Photo Soundtrack instead of the movie and that it popped up while driving in the dark woods. I'm thankful for Toejam and Earl being available for purchase on Wii (RIP Sega Genesis). I'm thankful for AppleTV at my Dad's house and rewatching some of my favorite Breaking Bad moments (Skyler in the pool!) I'm thankful for my family, my friends and loved ones everywhere :)
Happy Hollerdays
Friday, November 16, 2012
Londres
Back in June I lamented that I hadn't left the country in almost two years. Sorpresa! I got the chance to go to London! My itinerary even met the criteria I had set out for myself--the UK is not landlocked, on the verge of default and there is no visa requirement. Other than the fact that I left home with no coat and no laptop, I was ready!
Although the primary purpose of my travel was to attend a project management training course for work--I extended my stay so that I could see the sights, drink the cidre (see what I did there?) and visit/cuddle with friends.
Highlights:
I attended prayer services twice in the Cathedrals, so you can say I re-connected with God. I'm revisiting the idea of putting in an application for Sainthood.
I watched Katy Perry's Part of Me on the airplane and cried because I was so inspired. I'm a bonafide Katy Kat.
I discovered a new city, met new people AND a became intimately familiar with a new Starbucks menu (Praline Mocha Latte--you are my spirit animal).
Tower of London. I'm basically a certified expert on monarchies and royal menageries. I carried myself as if there was a talent scout looking for the next addition to the royal family, and I think I made a good impression.
Running along the Thames River. Nothing makes me feel more alive than running in a new place.
The training itself--VERY passable. Work seminars have the potential to be excruciatingly boring, but I was pleasantly surprised. One of the men leading the course is a former project manager at Lego, so we immediately had common ground to stand on. Legos were a cornerstone of my formative years.
Lowlights:
During a team-building exercise in which I was blind-folded, I shit-talked every other team and then caused my own team to lose by falling in a bush. Not my best moment.
I got woman-handled by airport security at Heathrow TWICE. Girl put her hands all up in the waistband of my leggings. I almost asked for money from her because alla dis don't come cheap, ya know? If I wasn't already projected to be the very last person to make it on the plane, I would have.
Missing the election--as if voting absentee isn't anticlimactic enough. My plan was to head to a bar that promised twinkies, hot dogs, and other American fare. Line was out the door (obviously). To add insult to injury--I'm now seeing that twinkie's days are numbered. So it is very likely that I will NEVER have the chance to eat twinkies on election night again in my life. I'm going to dedicate an entire chapter in my memoir to this injustice.
Additionally, the next day, people at my training wasted no time trying to tell me why America sucks. Sorry I'm not sorry that I love America.
Mediumlights:
I learned EVERYTHING about heresy, torture, and the history of the British justice system via a visit to Clinks Prison Museum. I can't decide if this was a good or a bad experience. I was literally the only person in this purposefully dank and dreary museum.
I didn't find Adele, and I looked everywhere.
I tried lamb. I now know for sure that I'm not into it.
Overall-light:
I had a great time, learned a lot, and laughed a ton. An extra special thanks to Maria Preetha y Lucita for having me as the third flat-mate :). Abrazos!
Although the primary purpose of my travel was to attend a project management training course for work--I extended my stay so that I could see the sights, drink the cidre (see what I did there?) and visit/cuddle with friends.
Highlights:
I attended prayer services twice in the Cathedrals, so you can say I re-connected with God. I'm revisiting the idea of putting in an application for Sainthood.
I watched Katy Perry's Part of Me on the airplane and cried because I was so inspired. I'm a bonafide Katy Kat.
I discovered a new city, met new people AND a became intimately familiar with a new Starbucks menu (Praline Mocha Latte--you are my spirit animal).
Tower of London. I'm basically a certified expert on monarchies and royal menageries. I carried myself as if there was a talent scout looking for the next addition to the royal family, and I think I made a good impression.
Running along the Thames River. Nothing makes me feel more alive than running in a new place.
The training itself--VERY passable. Work seminars have the potential to be excruciatingly boring, but I was pleasantly surprised. One of the men leading the course is a former project manager at Lego, so we immediately had common ground to stand on. Legos were a cornerstone of my formative years.
Lowlights:
During a team-building exercise in which I was blind-folded, I shit-talked every other team and then caused my own team to lose by falling in a bush. Not my best moment.
I got woman-handled by airport security at Heathrow TWICE. Girl put her hands all up in the waistband of my leggings. I almost asked for money from her because alla dis don't come cheap, ya know? If I wasn't already projected to be the very last person to make it on the plane, I would have.
Missing the election--as if voting absentee isn't anticlimactic enough. My plan was to head to a bar that promised twinkies, hot dogs, and other American fare. Line was out the door (obviously). To add insult to injury--I'm now seeing that twinkie's days are numbered. So it is very likely that I will NEVER have the chance to eat twinkies on election night again in my life. I'm going to dedicate an entire chapter in my memoir to this injustice.
Additionally, the next day, people at my training wasted no time trying to tell me why America sucks. Sorry I'm not sorry that I love America.
Mediumlights:
I learned EVERYTHING about heresy, torture, and the history of the British justice system via a visit to Clinks Prison Museum. I can't decide if this was a good or a bad experience. I was literally the only person in this purposefully dank and dreary museum.
I didn't find Adele, and I looked everywhere.
I tried lamb. I now know for sure that I'm not into it.
Overall-light:
I had a great time, learned a lot, and laughed a ton. An extra special thanks to Maria Preetha y Lucita for having me as the third flat-mate :). Abrazos!
Friday, October 26, 2012
Taylor Swift's Burn Book
I have this feeling of impending doom. In the wake of Taylor Swift's recently dropped 'Red' album, I fear that she has reached the denouement of her failed relationships/angst. I just know one day I will wake up to learn of her forthcoming single, "Maybe Everything is Actually My Fault"...
Tay, please don't ever find inner peace by taking ownership of your failed relationships. A Taylor at peace may go to the way of an Alanis Morissette at peace. Nobody likes peaceful Alanis.
I want/need to foster her hate; which is why I've decided she should contract me to ghost-write her Burn Book. Although it can be argued her entire discography serves as a psuedo-Burn Book, she's going to need to get creative if she's going to continue violating artistic outlets to convince the public that she's still a vulnerable/innocent party in the pursuit of love. We've come to expect that Taylor's songs will be filled with romanticized portrayals of heartbreak, but we need a fresh perspective. I know I can properly pen how she really feels:
John Mayer
Jake Gyllenhall
Harry Styles
Ellen Degeneres
#1 Frenemy. Ellen thinks she can just decree that I'm in a relationship with Zac Efron and that it automatically becomes true. What Ellen doesn't know is that everyone only pretends to like her. I'm only semi-cordial to her so I don't alienate the talk show community. I can't risk losing Oprah's blessing. For the record your sweater vests are offensive.
Connor Kennedy
Give it a think, Taylor. I'm here for you.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Malarky
As a niña I frightened easily. My older sister would bid me goodnight with a reminder that a bloodthirsty shark was definitely swimming somewhere within a 100 mile radius of us. Cue nightmare. As I've grown older I've been able to sleep soundly sans night terrors.
and then this happened.
The maniacal, pandering laughter of Joe Biden from the 2012 VP Debate will undoubtedly haunt me for years to come.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Identity Crisis
Real Talk: I think it's time to update my blog's headline.
Am I more of a Nicki Minaj than a Ke$ha?
I'm rethinking my life and my choices, but the Pitbull portion is not up for debate.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Many the Miles
Other than the latest installment of my Sara Bareilles-inspired shower solo series , 'Many the Miles' is a really fitting mantra for me--a girl who measures her life in sneakers.
Nike, Adidas, Asics--I've been around the block. I still have the pair of sneakers I bought just before studying abroad in South America. Like a lame-wad, I wrote the names of all the cities and places I ran--including the prize Maratón de Santiago.
My Chilean host mom and I ran together most every day, and one of the first times we did I asked her how she was able to handle 9 or 10 mile runs sans music. She informed me that all she needed was "la música de mis pies," to which I replied (inwardly, of course), "Unless my feet start playing Robert Randolph and the Family Band 'Ain't Nothin' Wrong That', I'm not going to be satisfied with la música de mis pies."
Years after, I get what she meant. Running, for me, has become an intensely intimate experience. It is the one part of my day during which I rely only on myself to get where I'm going and accomplish what I want to accomplish. I answer to no one. I leave my iPhone and Blackberry home where they belong, and I get to head out and race myself to wherever I'm going.
The other day, for the very first time, I left my iPod at home with the rest of my gadgets.
If you have the ability to stomach cardio without music, I highly recommend trying to do so. It forces you to really think about the things you normally don't have time to think about or even want to think about. Am I okay with where I've been and where I am at 23? Am I okay with where I see myself going? Am I happy? Is Miley Cyrus talented? Do I have enough cat food at home for Ollie?
I was fortunate enough to finish my run and reflect on the fact that the answer to every question I asked myself was a firm 'yes'--and I only have myself and my new Nike Frees to thank for that. I don't know how many miles I'll run throughout the rest of my lifetime, but I'm so, so excited. It's an amazing feeling. Thank you, sneakers :).
(Note: Listen to this Cyrus' rendition of 'Look What They've Done to my Song' if you're not already on Team Miley).
Nike, Adidas, Asics--I've been around the block. I still have the pair of sneakers I bought just before studying abroad in South America. Like a lame-wad, I wrote the names of all the cities and places I ran--including the prize Maratón de Santiago.
My Chilean host mom and I ran together most every day, and one of the first times we did I asked her how she was able to handle 9 or 10 mile runs sans music. She informed me that all she needed was "la música de mis pies," to which I replied (inwardly, of course), "Unless my feet start playing Robert Randolph and the Family Band 'Ain't Nothin' Wrong That', I'm not going to be satisfied with la música de mis pies."
Years after, I get what she meant. Running, for me, has become an intensely intimate experience. It is the one part of my day during which I rely only on myself to get where I'm going and accomplish what I want to accomplish. I answer to no one. I leave my iPhone and Blackberry home where they belong, and I get to head out and race myself to wherever I'm going.
The other day, for the very first time, I left my iPod at home with the rest of my gadgets.
If you have the ability to stomach cardio without music, I highly recommend trying to do so. It forces you to really think about the things you normally don't have time to think about or even want to think about. Am I okay with where I've been and where I am at 23? Am I okay with where I see myself going? Am I happy? Is Miley Cyrus talented? Do I have enough cat food at home for Ollie?
I was fortunate enough to finish my run and reflect on the fact that the answer to every question I asked myself was a firm 'yes'--and I only have myself and my new Nike Frees to thank for that. I don't know how many miles I'll run throughout the rest of my lifetime, but I'm so, so excited. It's an amazing feeling. Thank you, sneakers :).
(Note: Listen to this Cyrus' rendition of 'Look What They've Done to my Song' if you're not already on Team Miley).
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