Where Are They Now?

It is hard to escape the news in the age of Twitter (or 'Tweeter' as my mom endearing called it until I ghost-posted the material for the acclaimed @Donna_Gilchrist feed), customized Google readers and the integration of the '#' function on Facebook. Whether we like it or not we are constantly bombarded with mainstream information. Inevitably this means the 'trends' dominate our body of contemporaneous knowledge. Thanks, in no small part, to CNN's ceaseless coverage of MH370, all I know about the world right now is there's a missing plane and we can't find that shit. This is a highly embarrassing reality. Have you had enough of my news-related platitudes yet? Good, me too. 

My blog's guiding ethos has everything to do with the unknown unknowns. I want to expose you to information you didn't even know you needed. Is that Orwellian? Shut up. You're here now. Welcome aboard.

With this spirit in mind I present to you Where Are They Now?, a catch-up guide for everyone you need to be thinking about more often than you currently do. 

Herman Cain
Though it seems everyone except Tim Pawlenty had their turn as the trendy darling of the 2012 Republican Primary Race, Herm was far and away the most important. A business executive/former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, syndicated Tea Party-oriented columnist and champion of the famous '9-9-9' tax plan (which, as it turns out, was NOT a Domino's large pizza coupon--disappointing). Despite his impressive pedigree he suspended his race to the Oval Office following allegations of sexual misconduct. Ever since there's been virtual radio silence. 

But according to Pink News (not to be confused with P!nk News, which if I had to guess would just link directly to the pop star's Twitter feed), Herman Cain most recently made headlines when the editor-in-chief of his blog compared members of the LGBT community with the Borgs from Strek Trek. Granted, I haven't seen Star Trek--so the Borgs could be a perfectly nice cyborg collective. But I have to imagine this is not the case.

So I guess he's doing...not so great. However he is NOT misconducting himself sexually--let's stick to the facts here. 

Mischa Barton
I don't care where she is. I've hated her ever since my male high school peers expected all the girls to look like the girls galavanting the OC (which is, for those living under a rock, the REAL Orange County). I can only think of one girl who could psychically rival Barton and I don't even know where THAT girl is. Mischa died in a fictional car crash--let's keep her that way. 

Kesha
With a heavy heart I left out the iconic $ from her name because in the end we need to respect each other's identity choices. Despite my benevolence I have just one thing to say: WHY WOULD YOU THIS TO ME?

Kesha has recently emerged from rehab all coherent and reformed. Great. So Proud. But this was my own Minsky Moment. Can you even fathom the time, energy and adoration I invested into loving/promoting Kesha EXACTLY as she was? All the speculation of sainthood, all the market hype--it's GONE. I get that you had a problem that needed solving--but why the name change? I was going to write an entire post dedicated to the aftermath of $-gate, but ultimately decided against it. You HURT ME KES(?)A. 

Tom from Myspace
In your Top 8, by default. 

and by the way if I wasn't on your Top 8 then why are you even reading my blog? Just GO. 

Clay Aiken
I'm sure you all remember Clay--the runner-up from a star-studded second season of American Idol? Maybe you remember him losing to Ruben Studdard--the voice behind what the Rolling Stone has called the "Greatest Song of the Millenium" "Sorry for 2004" ? 

So am I the only one who wasn't aware that Clay Aiken is running for Congress? I have to say I'm rooting for Clay in what is sure to be an uphill battle for a House seat in a traditionally conservative North Carolina district. Can't get enough of a good underdog story--and honestly, he's had enough struggle in his life. I mean he came in SECOND PLACE on American Idol. He's 100% ready to lead the nation.

Aaliyah
Heaven. RIP.

Sporty Spice
How did I not notice she had and continues to have horrific teeth? I think that sums up her Where Are They Now? description. Somewhere still having awful teeth. 

Get invisalign, Girlfriend. 

I hope you feel adequately caught up on America's finest and brightest (except for Sporty Spice--she does not belong to us). I realize I've had quite the hiatus since my last post. I hope to not be away from my blog long enough for someone to write a catch-up post about MY life. If someone feels the need to go this route can you please refer to me as Alli$on? It's my only request.

Editor's Note: Ruben Studdard did not kill someone over a sandwich--despite reports saying otherwise. And by reports I mean my sister told me that and I didn't automatically dismiss the idea. 

Asylum House

This is the story...of two whistleblowers...on the run from Western governments...who agreed to have their lives in virtual exile taped...to find out what happens...when dissidents stop being polite...and start getting real.

ASYLUM HOUSE

Two Whistleblowers. One Embassy. Endless Drama.



If properly exploited, MTV could really reach new heights in the world of reality television. Teen Mom is getting a bit tired. Pregnant and Dating is good but predictable (it usually turns out that nobody wants to date pregnant people). The Kardashians have pretty much done it all at this point. Survivor is just....Survivor. Dance Moms is still great, but we need more than just one night a week of good television. Asylum House is inevitably the way forward in trash TV.

Julian Assange has already advised Edward Snowden via CNN to head for Latin America, which is all but a direct invitation to co-inhabit the Ecuadorean Embassy in London. The show would chronical the mutual struggle between the two of coping with loss of normalcy, life in the global limelight and the day-to-day struggles of living inside one house under constant threat for the foreseeable future. What happens beyond that is up to the cameras to capture. 

Expect Asylum House to begin pre-taping in the coming months and air during Spring 2014.

State of the Union Summary

Monarch processional.

Enter Obama. 20 minutes of handshaking and weak-kneed women literally bowing.

Raise the minimum wage and combat unemployment. It'll work...trust.

Veterans, women and elite pre-schools. Repeat after me.

Renewable resources: You can't afford them but do it for your children, k?

Apple will start making products here in the US. No, seriously.

Biden blinks. and blinks again. and hundreds more times per minute.

Cyber hackers. They gon' find you.

Boehner's pink tie with blue shirt (not a criticism, I heart his bold layering choices).

World Peace.

Legal immigration should be encouraged, but mostly what I'm saying is we need more Chinese and Indian students to stay here once we've given them our "corporate secrets".

My Healthcare Bill - 1, You - 0

Third term? Don't rule it out. 

Gun violence. 

Exit Obama.

6.2%

January 15th. 9:30 AM Eastern Standard Time. North Latitude 38.894231  West Longitude -77.023478. I'll always remember where I was when I first surveyed the damage of the great payroll tax cut expiration of 2013.

Taking deep breaths and currently floundering around my desk attempting to strategize how best to adapt my finances and play the new system. Spend less? K. Refinance my mortgage? Uh, currently renting, you don't know my life.

Glad to know more of my money will be funneled into poorly structured entitlements not scheduled to be there for my geriatric self whilst lawmakers work in steadfast fashion to increase our national debt by layering juicy pork throughout the Sandy Relief Bill. No better occasion than a natural disaster to push through unrelated/costly projects under the guise of relief.

Have a nice Tuesday!

Malarky

As a niña I frightened easily. My older sister would bid me goodnight with a reminder that a bloodthirsty shark was definitely swimming somewhere within a 100 mile radius of us. Cue nightmare.  As I've grown older I've been able to sleep soundly sans night terrors.

and then this happened.

The maniacal, pandering laughter of Joe Biden from the 2012 VP Debate will undoubtedly haunt me for years to come.

Ugh.

Vision Quest

I recently found myself in a debate that ended with my opponent telling me that I'm selfish and close-minded. Ouch. Am I really that bad? I decided that need to go on a vision quest to find out the truth. Unfortunately I hit a few barriers, which include (but are not limited to) having a full-time job and a complete lack of Cherokee ancestry.The only option was to take an online quiz. Turns out my spirit animal is an owl.

 

It makes sense. I've always suspected that I'm something of a soothsayer. Anyway...

I would realistically rate myself a solid 8.3 on a 1-10 scale measuring patience, understanding and general tolerance--but there are a few things that I simply can't stand for: 1. Torturing animals;  2. Sitting through an entire live baseball game without a big pretzel;  3. Waiting in line at the post office and, most importantly:

4. People who are so "open-minded" that they fail to see their own hypocrisy.

In many of my classes from K-12, we were expected to complete a "Do-Now." The Do-Now was a problem on the chalk board that either reviewed the lesson from the day before or set the stage for the upcoming lesson. Do-Nows were a huge nuissance and really inhibited everyone's ability to talk very loudly with friends about other friends for the first 10 minutes of class. Total inconvenience at the time. Looking back now, however, I can see the value in the exercise. In fact, I'm going to post a logic-themed Do-Now right here on this blog:

"y=mx+b"

"Access to healthcare is a human right."

Are these sentences both facts, both opinions, or one fact and one opinion? Please explain. 

I understand that access to healthcare is an extremely complex debate, but it really is the icing flower corner piece on the birthday cake of life when somebody tells me (and quite nearly physically attacks me) over my ideas. Yes, that has happened. Can you imagine? Someone berating me/lecturing me like a common criminal? Yikes.

I thought this was pretty timely given that the Supreme Court just heard the oral arguments about the constitutionality of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). PS I saw everyone's favorite "Wise Latina" Sonia Sotomayor on the Acela train bound for NYC. I wasn't stalking her, but she got off at Philly incase anyone wanted to know. I digress..

Like I said, healthcare seemed timely, but the point of this post and my feeling in general is that discussing topics such as this could be both fruitful and enlightening if people would acknowledge that there are always at least two ways of looking at things. There are always circumstances. All I'm asking of anyone is to just listen to other people when they speak and consider their side. No one has to agree, but let's reserve emotionally charged/clouded discussion for when it is officially confirmed that Kate Middleton is indeed hosting a royal child via pregnancy. Additionally, it is helpful to know the facts. (Ex. Fannie Mae ≠ Sallie Mae). Even if you're close-minded about something, that's okay too, but just say so! I happen to enjoy it when people are staunch in stance--so long as they know weltanschauungs vary. 

I've felt this way for a while. Please review my Facebook status update from January 4, 2012 of this year (Ah, the joys of timeline..)

"I would just like to point out that everyone alleging the GOP as a whole to be stupid and/or ignorant is not nearly as open-minded as they claim to be. Growing up in the Northeast and subsequently attending an insulated, liberal university does not necessarily make you smart/unequivocally correct, sorry :( "

Conclusion: Everyone needs to chill out and focus more attention on this baby elephant playing at the beach.