Open Letter to Forever 21

Dear Forever 21,

We haven't spoken for a while. You and I used to be so close, and despite my better judgement re: post break-up communication I feel I owe you an explanation regarding my once silent protest.

I'll always remember our first time--you, me and the bright lights of Baltimore. I was young and wide-eyed. You were loud and pandemoniac. I was intrigued by your clutter and harsh lighting. I wanted to fix you. During high school I was trying to define my vision and write my own style story--I really wanted you to be a part of that journey. After all--what is fashion but moving, living art and self-expression?

It was several years before I realized not even blind optimism and trust could justify investment in your products. Few were the weekends when poorly-made Forev clothing or jewelry would survive my college jaunts. I thought I was being thrifty with my limited income during school. That $20 dress? SO in my budget. That $8.50 necklace with a pink owl embellishment? Sure to be a hit on the frat party circuit. But none of it lasted. Ever. 

Poorly sewn sequins and mini skirts that can double as tube tops just stopped being enough. I drew a line in the sand. You either maintain your characteristic affordability while increasing the quality of the clothes or I walk away for good. The rest, as you know, is history.

Sometimes I miss you, old friend. Then I remember it's you--not me--that ruined something that could have been truly beautiful.


Sincerely,

Allison

Open Letter to Skechers

Dear Skechers,

Heard the good news. Buzzfeed informs me that you've brought back light-up shoes. 

I am so impressed by your movement away from the modest, sensible, and horribly blasé look of your footwear. Everyone knows children are better, faster, stronger when wearing shoes equipped with lasers. Marc Rosko, Vice-President of product development for Skechers Kids (and ipso facto certifiable creep) has purported the light-up shoes to be the cornerstone of a "renaissance period" for children's shoes. Couldn't agree more.

Before today I would have said I'd rather die than wear Skechers. Now I want you. I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Every day.

I realize this 'Twinkle Toes' line is primarily for children, but I'll just say I'm usually somewhere in the size range of 8 through 9. Just send me all three. 

Love to hate to love you,

Allison

Open Letter to Post-Red Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

This week I noticed your 'Red' Album was finally fully available on Spotify (thanks I guess). I'll admit I made snap judgements about it before I even gave it a chance. So I listened to it completely through while at work yesterday--and this is what I feel:

Just STOP STOP STOP with the doe-eyed sadness/surprise when you do whatever it is you do to drive men away. Are you a stalker? Just curious. Doesn't matter.  I don't mean to send you mixed signals--I definitely still want you to have failed relationships, I just want you to be angrier about it. You need to be Carrie Underwood 'Before He Cheats' angry. What happened to the Taylor who put out Picture to Burn? I flove that song.

This is my advice to you, Taylor: The whole world knows that in the face of heartbreak there is really only one song we can all count on to encapsulate our emotions. It also doubles as a solid example of an instance in which the Glee version of a song is better than the original. From now on I need you to draw your inspiration from this:

"Bust Your Windows"

That's advice for the future. Back to what went wrong in 'Red'.

Songs I Really Hated/Made Me Feel Uncomfortable:

22

I Almost Do

Starlight 

Yet amid musical doom, there was light. My favorite song on the album is decidedly All Too Well. While I understand the albums are your personal medium for self-expression, I appreciate the music so much more when I bring it back to myself. And maybe that's what you want me to do. But ain't nobody got time for that. So I only had time to like this one song.

There you have it--a mildly positive review of your most recent album. But I swear to God, Taylor, if you EVER say anything negative about Tina Fey/Amy Poehler EVER AGAIN I will find you and end you.

Other than that, I'm here for you. Offer still stands to ghost-write your Burn Book.
Allison

Open Letter to Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda Bynes,

Go home to LA to be with your parents. You're scaring the people of NYC. Your career is salvageable.

You and your Nickelodeon braintrust were among the most influential pioneers during the advent of the World Wide Web via AmandaPlease.com. Has anyone ever told you with great power comes great responsibility?

Even when you left Nickelodeon you were heading toward greatness. Your performance in She's the Man? My God. You were loving up on Channing Tatum before any of the rest of us even thought to do it. And now look at you.

Driving with a suspended license? That's relatable. Clearly I've never done it but I know people who have and they seem normal. Smoking weed at a Planet Fitness on 4/20? What? Cryptic tweets about murdering your vagina? Girlfriend, THAT'S WEIRD.

I get it--I really do. You were a child celebrity and we saw what happened to MacCaulay Culkin but that is NO EXCUSE. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AMANDA.

Your train wreck stage is hitting me harder than when Britney had her episodes--and I was sure that sort of pain couldn't be paralleled. Don't let me down. And don't shave your head.

Concerned,

Allison

Dear Google

An open letter to Google:

Querido Google,

First of all let me just say that I'm really big into the Google Doodles thing--and I was especially fond of your Oct. 27 choice to commemorate the Sugar Loaf Cable Car's 100th birthday. So cute, so cultured. I digress...

Google, have you ever felt alone, defenseless and scared? Those feelings only begin to describe how I feel when my GMail crashes, and sometimes I feel as though you purposely shut down Gmail/GChat capabilities just to remind us who run the world. It's not nice. Have you no sense of corporate social responsibility?

On Monday, the date of the most recent large-scale GMail outage, you KNEW those of us in the working world were facing a tough week. With the impending Mayan World Expiration Date approaching, many were grappling with the idea that perhaps nothing (id est: deadlines) matters anymore. Then, more than ever, we needed to be able to GChat our friends/loved ones to discuss the way forward in the event of an apocalypse. 

Nobody buys into your 'routine update gone wrong' explanation. We know what you're doing, and if you keep doing this we may all switch to Bing. Just kidding.


Love you, mean it,

Allison