Where Are They Now?

It is hard to escape the news in the age of Twitter (or 'Tweeter' as my mom endearing called it until I ghost-posted the material for the acclaimed @Donna_Gilchrist feed), customized Google readers and the integration of the '#' function on Facebook. Whether we like it or not we are constantly bombarded with mainstream information. Inevitably this means the 'trends' dominate our body of contemporaneous knowledge. Thanks, in no small part, to CNN's ceaseless coverage of MH370, all I know about the world right now is there's a missing plane and we can't find that shit. This is a highly embarrassing reality. Have you had enough of my news-related platitudes yet? Good, me too. 

My blog's guiding ethos has everything to do with the unknown unknowns. I want to expose you to information you didn't even know you needed. Is that Orwellian? Shut up. You're here now. Welcome aboard.

With this spirit in mind I present to you Where Are They Now?, a catch-up guide for everyone you need to be thinking about more often than you currently do. 

Herman Cain
Though it seems everyone except Tim Pawlenty had their turn as the trendy darling of the 2012 Republican Primary Race, Herm was far and away the most important. A business executive/former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, syndicated Tea Party-oriented columnist and champion of the famous '9-9-9' tax plan (which, as it turns out, was NOT a Domino's large pizza coupon--disappointing). Despite his impressive pedigree he suspended his race to the Oval Office following allegations of sexual misconduct. Ever since there's been virtual radio silence. 

But according to Pink News (not to be confused with P!nk News, which if I had to guess would just link directly to the pop star's Twitter feed), Herman Cain most recently made headlines when the editor-in-chief of his blog compared members of the LGBT community with the Borgs from Strek Trek. Granted, I haven't seen Star Trek--so the Borgs could be a perfectly nice cyborg collective. But I have to imagine this is not the case.

So I guess he's doing...not so great. However he is NOT misconducting himself sexually--let's stick to the facts here. 

Mischa Barton
I don't care where she is. I've hated her ever since my male high school peers expected all the girls to look like the girls galavanting the OC (which is, for those living under a rock, the REAL Orange County). I can only think of one girl who could psychically rival Barton and I don't even know where THAT girl is. Mischa died in a fictional car crash--let's keep her that way. 

Kesha
With a heavy heart I left out the iconic $ from her name because in the end we need to respect each other's identity choices. Despite my benevolence I have just one thing to say: WHY WOULD YOU THIS TO ME?

Kesha has recently emerged from rehab all coherent and reformed. Great. So Proud. But this was my own Minsky Moment. Can you even fathom the time, energy and adoration I invested into loving/promoting Kesha EXACTLY as she was? All the speculation of sainthood, all the market hype--it's GONE. I get that you had a problem that needed solving--but why the name change? I was going to write an entire post dedicated to the aftermath of $-gate, but ultimately decided against it. You HURT ME KES(?)A. 

Tom from Myspace
In your Top 8, by default. 

and by the way if I wasn't on your Top 8 then why are you even reading my blog? Just GO. 

Clay Aiken
I'm sure you all remember Clay--the runner-up from a star-studded second season of American Idol? Maybe you remember him losing to Ruben Studdard--the voice behind what the Rolling Stone has called the "Greatest Song of the Millenium" "Sorry for 2004" ? 

So am I the only one who wasn't aware that Clay Aiken is running for Congress? I have to say I'm rooting for Clay in what is sure to be an uphill battle for a House seat in a traditionally conservative North Carolina district. Can't get enough of a good underdog story--and honestly, he's had enough struggle in his life. I mean he came in SECOND PLACE on American Idol. He's 100% ready to lead the nation.

Aaliyah
Heaven. RIP.

Sporty Spice
How did I not notice she had and continues to have horrific teeth? I think that sums up her Where Are They Now? description. Somewhere still having awful teeth. 

Get invisalign, Girlfriend. 

I hope you feel adequately caught up on America's finest and brightest (except for Sporty Spice--she does not belong to us). I realize I've had quite the hiatus since my last post. I hope to not be away from my blog long enough for someone to write a catch-up post about MY life. If someone feels the need to go this route can you please refer to me as Alli$on? It's my only request.

Editor's Note: Ruben Studdard did not kill someone over a sandwich--despite reports saying otherwise. And by reports I mean my sister told me that and I didn't automatically dismiss the idea. 

2014 - Resolving to Forgo Resolutions

Why is the beginning of each year wrought with pressure to be better, faster and stronger (literally and figuratively) than the previous year's version of oneself? The tradition dates back to Ancient Babylonian ritual and we all know what happened to them, right? #Conquered.

Back to the modern day--is it any coincidence the first working week of January each year is scientifically horrible? Resolutions bring misery and hasten conclusions when perhaps some of our habits and stories aren't ready to end. That I feel a need to blog about this phenomenon is a testament to this undeniable force. 

Upon reflection I can confidently attribute my 2013 tribulations almost entirely to my inability to meet some impossible goals I set for myself. At this point all I want is to not make the same mistakes as I did last year, or the year before or the year BEFORE the year before. Does anyone else feel the same? Want some advice? Feeling Missundazstood? 

Take it from me--in perilous times like these I find it best to turn to P!nk for strength.

As one of mankind's only consistent, steadfast bad bitches P!nk should serve as an inspiration to us all. It is clear from her music that girlfriend don't care 'bout nothin' except being [the] boss--THAT is who I will be modeling myself after this year. There's no way a free spirit like P!nk would tie her life goals to a specific date just for the sake of affirmation--and I won't do it either. 

So Raise your Glass and Blow Me (One Last Kiss), 2013. I refuse to buckle under the pressure to change this year because really So What? I'm still a rockstar, etc. 

Open Letter to Forever 21

Dear Forever 21,

We haven't spoken for a while. You and I used to be so close, and despite my better judgement re: post break-up communication I feel I owe you an explanation regarding my once silent protest.

I'll always remember our first time--you, me and the bright lights of Baltimore. I was young and wide-eyed. You were loud and pandemoniac. I was intrigued by your clutter and harsh lighting. I wanted to fix you. During high school I was trying to define my vision and write my own style story--I really wanted you to be a part of that journey. After all--what is fashion but moving, living art and self-expression?

It was several years before I realized not even blind optimism and trust could justify investment in your products. Few were the weekends when poorly-made Forev clothing or jewelry would survive my college jaunts. I thought I was being thrifty with my limited income during school. That $20 dress? SO in my budget. That $8.50 necklace with a pink owl embellishment? Sure to be a hit on the frat party circuit. But none of it lasted. Ever. 

Poorly sewn sequins and mini skirts that can double as tube tops just stopped being enough. I drew a line in the sand. You either maintain your characteristic affordability while increasing the quality of the clothes or I walk away for good. The rest, as you know, is history.

Sometimes I miss you, old friend. Then I remember it's you--not me--that ruined something that could have been truly beautiful.


Sincerely,

Allison

Open Letter to Post-Red Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

This week I noticed your 'Red' Album was finally fully available on Spotify (thanks I guess). I'll admit I made snap judgements about it before I even gave it a chance. So I listened to it completely through while at work yesterday--and this is what I feel:

Just STOP STOP STOP with the doe-eyed sadness/surprise when you do whatever it is you do to drive men away. Are you a stalker? Just curious. Doesn't matter.  I don't mean to send you mixed signals--I definitely still want you to have failed relationships, I just want you to be angrier about it. You need to be Carrie Underwood 'Before He Cheats' angry. What happened to the Taylor who put out Picture to Burn? I flove that song.

This is my advice to you, Taylor: The whole world knows that in the face of heartbreak there is really only one song we can all count on to encapsulate our emotions. It also doubles as a solid example of an instance in which the Glee version of a song is better than the original. From now on I need you to draw your inspiration from this:

"Bust Your Windows"

That's advice for the future. Back to what went wrong in 'Red'.

Songs I Really Hated/Made Me Feel Uncomfortable:

22

I Almost Do

Starlight 

Yet amid musical doom, there was light. My favorite song on the album is decidedly All Too Well. While I understand the albums are your personal medium for self-expression, I appreciate the music so much more when I bring it back to myself. And maybe that's what you want me to do. But ain't nobody got time for that. So I only had time to like this one song.

There you have it--a mildly positive review of your most recent album. But I swear to God, Taylor, if you EVER say anything negative about Tina Fey/Amy Poehler EVER AGAIN I will find you and end you.

Other than that, I'm here for you. Offer still stands to ghost-write your Burn Book.
Allison

Open Letter to Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda Bynes,

Go home to LA to be with your parents. You're scaring the people of NYC. Your career is salvageable.

You and your Nickelodeon braintrust were among the most influential pioneers during the advent of the World Wide Web via AmandaPlease.com. Has anyone ever told you with great power comes great responsibility?

Even when you left Nickelodeon you were heading toward greatness. Your performance in She's the Man? My God. You were loving up on Channing Tatum before any of the rest of us even thought to do it. And now look at you.

Driving with a suspended license? That's relatable. Clearly I've never done it but I know people who have and they seem normal. Smoking weed at a Planet Fitness on 4/20? What? Cryptic tweets about murdering your vagina? Girlfriend, THAT'S WEIRD.

I get it--I really do. You were a child celebrity and we saw what happened to MacCaulay Culkin but that is NO EXCUSE. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AMANDA.

Your train wreck stage is hitting me harder than when Britney had her episodes--and I was sure that sort of pain couldn't be paralleled. Don't let me down. And don't shave your head.

Concerned,

Allison

Girl Scout Cookie Madness

Last year's March Madness bracket was a disaster. There is no denying it. So this year I decided to fill out my own kind of bracket. One allowing me to really blossom:

By default the first round of the Girl Scout Cookie Madness tournament was an Elite Eight competition--and I have to say--it was fierce. All Girl Scout Cookies are winners in their own ways (except for Do-si-dos). Seriously, does anyone out there feel passionately about Do-si-dos?

Tourament Highlights

Tournament Winner: Tagalongs. Tagalongs have a long and proud history of being one of the league's premiere clubs, and to no surprise they really brought the heat in 2013. They are peanut buttery. They are delicious. They are patty-ful. They are amazing in DQ Blizzard form. What more can one ask for? Champion of all champions.

Biggest Sleeper: Savannah Smiles. The Smiles are a relatively new program with a budget notably smaller than that of the more storied squads--Thin Mints, for example. Best served with tea during a midafternoon work slump, these cookies fought the good fight all the way to the finals. The Smiles left nothing to be desired on the court.

Overrated: Samoas. I find Samoas are CONSISTENTLY overrated. Additionally, I've heard whisperings of a potentially permanent name change to 'Caramel deLites'. Really? Whatever happened to predictability? Samoas are nothing more than a strange half-crunchy cohering mass of caramel, coconut and chocolate. Team Samoa has great branding, but a true bracketologist like myself sees through the fluff.

Though the bracket doesn't show it, the Thank U Berry Much was an underdog worth keeping an eye on in the first round. Being able to compete in a league where chocolate-based cookies reign supreme is a victory in and of itself. Well done.

See you all in 2014!

Sopranos Season Finale

You have just entered the Spoiler Zone.

Less than a week ago I finished binge-watching all 86 hours of The Sopranos. Today I'm here to talk about how I'm not sorry about being angry re: the ending.

If it is true Tony was shot to death at the end (and I'm fairly convinced he was thanks to this guy's analysis) then I am DISPLEASED. I really tried to understand the style behind how David Chase conceptualized and subsequently executed the ending. I totally realize the scene in Bobby Bacala's boat from "Soprano Home Movies" (and then flashback to the same scene during the final episode) drove home the suggestion that when you die you probably don't see it coming. I initially "oohed" and "ahhed" at the idea of something so deep and profound coming back to us during the final moments of the series. But then I came to terms with something:

As a proud NJ native with cultural and linguistic ties to North Jersey especially, I became engrossed in The Sopranos. I loved everything about it. At the outset of the final episode I was internally balancing both my sadness of the story being over and my excitement for how it would end. Further, as a novice television series aficionado I grew while watching The Sopranos. I am visually violence-averse, but I withstood -- no, soldiered through the Sopranos. By Season 6's end I was bloodthirsty, and my craving was met with just black. 

I feel that I more than earned the right to watch Tony Soprano's demise in all it's bloody, dramatic and Carmela-witnessing glory. Yet in a 2007 interview with the Star Ledger, David Chase attacked me (yes, ME) with this dagger quote:

"Anybody who wants to watch it, it's all there."

OKAY DAVID. Totally not all there, but I see I won't be getting my way.

Don't mind me. I'll just be here stewing about this until Mad Men comes back (April 7th!).

Stop Pinning, Start Doing

Remember that time I said I was going to be really active on Pinterest?

For those who don't know: Pinterest is an online, primarily female, community of people who basically create collections ("boards") of recipes, JCrew clothes, home decor, butt-toning exercises and wedding centerpiece ideas. Sometimes unidentified babies are thrown into the mix. It is essentially a virtual refrigerator door or glorified cork board. 

I have come to the conclusion that Pinterest is NOT for me. I can't bake those recipes. I can't contort my body into those yoga poses. I have no interest in a 7 day juice cleanse. I don't have a multi-bedroom house to fill those crafts with...OR the skills to make crafts. I don't have a wedding to plan. I have ready access to adorable animal pictures on my iphone. I just don't have a place in the Pinterest community.

Okay--maybe I'm just bitter that nobody follows my boards. Why doesn't my collage of my favorite books' cover pages interest you people? What about my board that only has a softball glove pinned to it--are you guys saying my glove isn't fascinating?

I'm mad at everyone. 

But here's a link to my pinterest anyway. Just incase.

Allison's Favorite Things

For the record IDGAF about your favorite things, Oprah, but I still took a peek at your 2012 selections because I hate you. I tend to keep a close eye on the people I hate.

Coach Puffers. FUCKING EW, O. May as well pair your ugly Coach Puffer with some chunky black Steve Madden shoes and go to your middle school band concert because I can't think of one other place where you'd fit in.

Microsoft Surface Tablet. Yeah? You love it so much that you tweeted about the product from your iPad? You're so fake--spare us.

I see you have not one but two Macy's Hotel Collection items (bed set, towels) on your list of favorite things. Anything for your sponsors, huh? No shot you sleep with sheets that are only 600 thread count. 

And finally--Nobody is interested in your favorite jellies. So nasty. Use with Cornish hens? Who are you? Bye.

To you I simply say: Move Bitch and make way for Allison's flyest (albeit random) things for America:

Ciroc : "The Art of Celebration"

Whatever Aaron Paul toasts with is what America needs to be unanimously toasting with, asap.

Mad Men Fashion

We all need to reevaluate our lives and our choices, using Christina Hendricks' ensembles as a guiding spirit. Further detailed in an earlier post from this year.

Nike Frees

Do you just want to wake up at the crack of dawn, JUMP out of bed and haul it out the door for a run without even stopping to brush your teeth? Buy them. Not in the hot pink/black/blue combo though....don't rip my style.

Chicken Quesadillas (with EXTRA special sauce)

Taco Bell is delicious and everyone who pretends otherwise is a bonafide hater.

Bruno Mars 'Locked Out of Heaven'

Being the benevolent and righteous girl that I am, I've forgiven Bruno for his 'Lazy Song' atrocity. The Police and Michael Jackson undertones present in this song just work. 

May the new year bring you all good fortune and an increased presence of my flyest things.

Londres

Back in June I lamented that I hadn't left the country in almost two years. Sorpresa! I got the chance to go to London! My itinerary even met the criteria I had set out for myself--the UK is not landlocked, on the verge of default and there is no visa requirement. Other than the fact that I left home with no coat and no laptop, I was ready!

Although the primary purpose of my travel was to attend a project management training course for work--I extended my stay so that I could see the sights, drink the cidre (see what I did there?) and visit/cuddle with friends. 

Highlights:
I attended prayer services twice in the Cathedrals, so you can say I re-connected with God. I'm revisiting the idea of putting in an application for Sainthood.

I watched Katy Perry's Part of Me on the airplane and cried because I was so inspired. I'm a bonafide Katy Kat.

I discovered a new city, met new people AND a became intimately familiar with a new Starbucks menu (Praline Mocha Latte--you are my spirit animal). 

Tower of London. I'm basically a certified expert on monarchies and royal menageries. I carried myself as if there was a talent scout looking for the next addition to the royal family, and I think I made a good impression.

Running along the Thames River. Nothing makes me feel more alive than running in a new place.

The training itself--VERY passable. Work seminars have the potential to be excruciatingly boring, but I was pleasantly surprised. One of the men leading the course is a former project manager at Lego, so we immediately had common ground to stand on. Legos were a cornerstone of my formative years.

Lowlights:
During a team-building exercise in which I was blind-folded, I shit-talked every other team and then caused my own team to lose by falling in a bush. Not my best moment.

I got woman-handled by airport security at Heathrow TWICE. Girl put her hands all up in the waistband of my leggings. I almost asked for money from her because alla dis don't come cheap, ya know? If I wasn't already projected to be the very last person to make it on the plane, I would have.

Missing the election--as if voting absentee isn't anticlimactic enough. My plan was to head to a bar that promised twinkies, hot dogs, and other American fare. Line was out the door (obviously). To add insult to injury--I'm now seeing that twinkie's days are numbered. So it is very likely that I will NEVER have the chance to eat twinkies on election night again in my life. I'm going to dedicate an entire chapter in my memoir to this injustice.

Additionally, the next day, people at my training wasted no time trying to tell me why America sucks. Sorry I'm not sorry that I love America.

Mediumlights:
I learned EVERYTHING about heresy, torture, and the history of the British justice system via a visit to Clinks Prison Museum. I can't decide if this was a good or a bad experience. I was literally the only person in this purposefully dank and dreary museum.

I didn't find Adele, and I looked everywhere.

I tried lamb. I now know for sure that I'm not into it.

Overall-light:
I had a great time, learned a lot, and laughed a ton. An extra special thanks to Maria Preetha y Lucita for having me as the third flat-mate :). Abrazos!

"You'd Better Redneckognize"

That, my friends, is the mantra of my new favorite diva child in this world, Honey Boo Boo.

I watched TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for my very first time last night, and let me just say this: I was blind, but now I see.

My initial reaction was indignation. Watching Mamma and Sugar Bear romp around with Honey Boo Boo and Glitzy the pig while I sat on my bed WITHOUT a nickname was too much to handle. I soon stopped being a hater, googled 'Honey Boo Boo Nickname Generator' and found that my nickname would be 'Allie Giggles' should I decide to relocate to McIntyre, Georgia. I got into their scene REAL quick--and I haven't looked back since.

From what I understand, Alana (alias Honey Boo Boo) was a contestant on my OTHER favorite TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras. She was just SO over the top (thanks, in no small part, to her pre-pageant ritual of chugging Mountain Dew) that she and her family earned their own show. The show chronicals her quest through pageantry and the sacrifices the family members make to help her stay in the game. 

This HuffPo article claims that Honey Boo Boo gained more ratings than Bill Clinton's speech at the DNC (at least those that tuned into CNN). Good for those people. I WISH I had skipped Bill and watched HBB--am I really the only person I that found his speech to be slimy and unbearable?

Opponents of Honey Boo Boo think that she and her family paint an inaccurate picture of the American South. To those people I say calm down, find a hobby, or just stfu. You're the ones choosing to compare yourselves to them, and I somehow doubt they give a shit about representing you. HBB's mom June, "Mamma", analyzes the opponents with this logic:

"I don't claim to represent all of Georgia, I've never said that. Those haters that are criticizing us about what's on the show are watching us every week. So we call them our 'closet fans', people who don't wanna admit they watch the show."

LOVE that attitude--but really, what I love most about what I've seen so far is the fact that everyone seems so comfortable just being themselves. It's so refreshing. As much as I dig the Kardashians and their fake problems, I gotta say I'm so into HBB.

Instead of justifying why I'm spending my free time watching reality TV instead of working my way through Atlas Shrugged, please refer my academic essay In Defense of Trash TV. Here's an HBB extended promo...as if you need more convincing.  

Brass Machine

and I DON'T mean the Maynard Ferguson song. I'm talking about a real brass machine.

The DC Brass Connection is my most recent music obsession. Anyone who lives in DC has probably seen these little rock stars (and if you haven't, you should really look for them--they are SO great and adorable). It's a 7 piece brass ensemble that features 5 trombones, 1 sousaphone and 1 mellophone. I've seen these guys at Dupont a ton, and now I find myself making increasingly frequent pilgrimages up to hit the Urban Outfitters and Loft in Chinatown now because that's their new spot.

What I find so special about this particular group (and why I drain my pockets to their collection bin) is that the band is clearly all about the kids. It appears to be a very enriching experience for them--which in turn makes it all the more enriching for the audience. There's one adult in the mix, but he plays the drums--he basically just keeps time. The kids all take turns soloing while the rest keep the rhythym moving in the background. Putting yourself out there to solo is no small feat--and to do it WELL is exceptionally impressive. These kids know chords and keys in ways that I don't think I was ever capable of when I used to play. The smallest one (he honestly can't be more than 7 years old) matches his kicks to his green trombone, which I find so endearingly baller that I just want to put him in my pocket and carry him around with me. 

See?

This isn't your average kids'  recorder concert--these guys are GREAT. This is a video of the DC Brass Connection celebrating a big Caps win, and here's one of the group playing in Dupont. 

Music, and especially completely instrumental ensembles is something I hold near and dear to me. I played tenor saxophone in my high school's jazz band and it was a hoot. At a benefit concert for the fund honoring one of my closest friends, I got some of my old band mates back together to play a tune for her. Despite the fact that we were a little rusty, I have to say--music really does bring people together in ways that other forms of communication and collaboration just can't. It's one of my favorite memories--and to see a bunch of kids getting together to make music as often as this group does is really special. 

It really warms my heart every time I see the DC Brass Connection, and I just wanted to give them a shout. Rock on, little brass soldiers. I'm one of your biggest fans.