Taylor Swift's Burn Book

I have this feeling of impending doom. In the wake of Taylor Swift's recently dropped 'Red' album, I fear that she has reached the denouement of her failed relationships/angst. I just know one day I will wake up to learn of her forthcoming single, "Maybe Everything is Actually My Fault"...

Tay, please don't ever find inner peace by taking ownership of your failed relationships. A Taylor at peace may go to the way of an Alanis Morissette at peace. Nobody likes peaceful Alanis.

I want/need to foster her hate; which is why I've decided she should contract me to ghost-write her Burn Book. Although it can be argued her entire discography serves as a psuedo-Burn Book, she's going to need to get creative if she's going to continue violating artistic outlets to convince the public that she's still a vulnerable/innocent party in the pursuit of love. We've come to expect that Taylor's songs will be filled with romanticized portrayals of heartbreak, but we need a fresh perspective. I know I can properly pen how she really feels:

John Mayer

You're right. Dear John is completely about you, but that's what you get for hurting me AND MORE IMPORTANTLY what you get for hurting Jennifer Anniston. I'm still famous and you still have stupid hair.

Jake Gyllenhall

Made out with a hotdog. More than once.

Harry Styles

I don't hate you because you are the lead singer of One Direction, you are the lead singer of One Direction because I hate you.

Ellen Degeneres

#1 Frenemy. Ellen thinks she can just decree that I'm in a relationship with Zac Efron and that it automatically becomes true. What Ellen doesn't know is that everyone only pretends to like her. I'm only semi-cordial to her so I don't alienate the talk show community. I can't risk losing Oprah's blessing. For the record your sweater vests are offensive.

Connor Kennedy

I am not actually a virgin, and you are not actually attractive. Save for Ethel, I'm officially over the Kennedys. You will never be White House-ready, so I'm out. Romney's Sons 2012.

Give it a think, Taylor. I'm here for you.