Open Letter to Forever 21

Dear Forever 21,

We haven't spoken for a while. You and I used to be so close, and despite my better judgement re: post break-up communication I feel I owe you an explanation regarding my once silent protest.

I'll always remember our first time--you, me and the bright lights of Baltimore. I was young and wide-eyed. You were loud and pandemoniac. I was intrigued by your clutter and harsh lighting. I wanted to fix you. During high school I was trying to define my vision and write my own style story--I really wanted you to be a part of that journey. After all--what is fashion but moving, living art and self-expression?

It was several years before I realized not even blind optimism and trust could justify investment in your products. Few were the weekends when poorly-made Forev clothing or jewelry would survive my college jaunts. I thought I was being thrifty with my limited income during school. That $20 dress? SO in my budget. That $8.50 necklace with a pink owl embellishment? Sure to be a hit on the frat party circuit. But none of it lasted. Ever. 

Poorly sewn sequins and mini skirts that can double as tube tops just stopped being enough. I drew a line in the sand. You either maintain your characteristic affordability while increasing the quality of the clothes or I walk away for good. The rest, as you know, is history.

Sometimes I miss you, old friend. Then I remember it's you--not me--that ruined something that could have been truly beautiful.


Sincerely,

Allison

Annual Oprah Roast

Christmas is coming--and you all know what that means: Oprah released her annual list of favorite (read as: bourgie) things. While you can see the complete list here--I assure you there is no need. I provide an analysis below and have selected the key items that prove, for the millionth year in a row, that Oprah is the most aggravating and fake person on this green Earth.

Truffle Popcorn Kit

Some people dream of success. Others dream of peace. Oprah dreams about a popcorn maker. Popcorn (or Pipcorn if you're the O herself and/or a braggart) is A. not that good and B. NOT worth 94$. 

Chocolate Nativity Scene

A disproportionately high number of items on Oprah's 2013 Favorite Things List involved chocolate (5--or approximately 8.333%). I'd be willing to accept this statistic if she could have at least refrained from turning religion into a dessert. How is a Chocolate Nativity Scene not sacrilege? You love Baby Jesus so much you want to eat him? Have some decorum.

MuuMuu

 According to the Book of O this muumuu (worn best by Homer Simpson when he was collecting disability for being obese) "was born lounge-ready." Damn right it was. Anyone who purchases this particular Favorite Thing better not even entertain the idea of leaving their home. Not even for the paper. It makes me uncomfortable to even look at let alone interact with.

Susan Hanover Earrings

"Bonus: The earrings look more expensive than they actually are!!" I don't love anyone enough to buy them Claire's-y earrings for $220. These earrings are just one of the many clues that lead me to know that Oprah could never walk to hardened streets of normal life among us--the proletariat. 

       

Genevieve Boots

Does Oprah ever stop lying? No shot she wears Uggs. Especially not Uggs adorned with leather bows.

Beats Studio Headphones

Under what circumstance would Oprah need noise-canceling headphones? Are we expected to believe she uses public transportation?

I can't even bring myself to continue this. On a happier note Allison's List of Favorite Things hasn't changed much between 2012 and 2013. The only notable addition would be Kate Spade pendants 'cause I luhhhh dem.

The Great Pumpkin

Doing my part to commemorate 10 years of Pumpkin Spice Latte (hereinafter referred to as #PSL) by dedicating my November post to Starbucks' most storied drink.

For those who have not previously quenched their WASPy holiday thirst with this beverage, a #PSL is an espresso-based drink that is 2 parts milk, 1 part pumpkin imitation syrup, all garnished with several pinches of various psychedelic drugs. It is an American fall staple. 

I cannot speak for others, but all I know is I feel I am the most successful/prettiest version of myself when I walk out of my Starbucks with my red cup holiday cup in hand. I'm taken away to a place where I'm sitting by my house in Lake Tahoe (near an outdoor fire pit, naturally). A place where my life's only regret is not getting whipped cream on my drink. I love that place. You too can go there. I will be waiting for you.

Foreign friends tell me America is the only country as obsessed with pumpkins as we are. Of that I am unendingly proud. In an earlier post describing my trip to London I mentioned I was a fan of the Praline Mocha Latte I replaced my #PSL with while away. I now take the opportunity to clear the air--#PSL>PML no matter your preferred system of measure. People do crazy things while abroad. You just don't plan your future with your side dish, you know what I mean?

#PSL and the associated pumpkin pastries are unequivocally the most superior of the Starbucks holiday spread. Gingerbread Latte? Waste of time. Salted Caramel Mocha Latte? I am a busy lady and therefore I don't have time to verbalize the extra word in the drink's name. Caramel Brulee Latte? That's just pretentious. And can anyone even tell me what Egg Nog is? Didn't think so. 

If you have not had a #PSL today you must run, do not walk, to your nearest Starbucks and partake immediately. It always warms my soul. Happy Birthday, #PSL! To 10 more years. 

Felina

Last summer I embarked on my first foray into TV analysis by predicting possible Breaking Bad outcomes--and let me just say it was nothing short of prophetic. Just kidding. Has anyone heard from Huell?

First order of business: One for three.

Jessie did, in fact, split off from Walt. I couldn't have predicted his fate of meth slave, but I was close. Is it OD that I actually felt a pang of nostalgia every time there was a flashback to Walt and Jesse's early days of cooking foolery? Can't we just go back to the simpler times?

Skyler did not die and after reading Anna Gunn's NYT op-ed I feel remorseful for ever hoping she would. That's actually a lie. Maybe it's girl on girl crime to wish ill on a fictional character but just LET ME LIVE, Anna. Just let me live.

The Germans didn't invade the American meth market and I actually think it's for the best. The US-based criminals on the show were horrifying enough (looking at you, Todd). 

Second order of business: Felina.

I am a huge sucker for TV conspiracy theories, especially when a show I love immensely comes to an end. In the case of Felina, My thirst for more information has proven insatiable.

I was pointed to this one article postulating that Walt froze to death in the car and the remaining events in the episode were nothing more than a dying man's cancer-induced fantasy. As much as I love closure, I have to agree with the idea that Vince Gilligan really would have been pushing the limits of the deus ex machina plot device by allowing Walt to tie up every loose end and die a (relatively) content man in his favorite place in the world--a chemistry lab. Everything worked out too perfectly and Walt has never operated under perfect circumstances. Think about it.

(PS I know I'm the only one trying to franch [french and ranch] happen but I tried it and it was exquisite with chicken nuggets. May these two dressings enjoy their holy blessed condiment matrimony eternally).

Recap

It has been 79 days since my last post. That's almost two full Lents. I blame myself  work everyone except me. So thanks for nothing, everybody.

Because I've managed to go so long without posting anything I figured I may as well take the time to publicly announce my failures. What better way to accomplish this than to revisit my New Year's Resolutions for 2013 ? (lol RIP):

- Read at least four full-length fiction books. For pleasure/personal fulfillment--with the goal of learning absolutely nothing (any personal discovery does not constitute a violation of this resolution). 
Just who exactly did I think I was kidding with this one? I don't even have time properly tend to my eyebrows let alone read fiction for personal development. Does reading news about justifications to take military action in Syria count? Because at this point that feels like fiction;

- Go home to New Jersey for (at least) one weekend completely dedicated to volunteering for the restore the shore effort.
In my defense I've been on a very aggressive and strict brunch schedule so there just really hasn't been much room for charity;

- Learn to cook something other than oatmeal and cereal. However I am not cutting Trix cereal out of my life. I'm no sadist.
I haven't learned one thing all year about cooking. On a victorious note -- I definitely haven't cut Trix cereal out of my life. It remains an essential;

- Finish 2 marathons and/or half-marathons. 
I did just one, but now I have a jawbone that buzzes my wrist when I'm being lazy/don't run in the morning. Additionally, some days I even run/walk the equivalent of a half marathon (!!), so I get half credit at least;

- Call people for no reason other than to just talk. Sans agenda. 
This was a joke. I always have an agenda when I communicate and it consistently involves emojis. Meaningful human interaction is just not going to happen this year (or next);

- Travel to somewhere I haven't already been.
☑Check. I went to France in May even after losing my passport mere weeks before departure;

- Gangnam style for an audience of greater than 30 people and receive a standing ovation.
....;

- Reduce my daily caffeine intake.
I've actually increased it. I had my very first venti coffee last week and shit was supreme. Now that PSL season is upon us I don't expect to make many improvements in this category for the remainder of 2013.

Going to be more realistic in 2014, for sure. 

Parfait Party

Nary a day goes by without someone stopping me in my tracks to ask the following question:

"Hey Allison, would love to know how you grew up to be so tall and not a total embarrassment at fancy restaurants. What exactly is your secret?"

Normally I'm of the belief that people have no business intruding on my culinary affairs, but as a post Fourth of July Weekend (RIP) present to everyone I am finally going to do an E! True Hollywood style post debunking one of my greater discoveries--the Allison Parfait: 

Ingredients and Directions:

1 coffee mug Trix Cereal (of the Wild Berry Red Swirl variety)

1 small container Chobani lime greek yogurt

1 sliced banana

Mix all ingredients, garnish with extra Trix berries and voila! Decadence. 

The Allison Parfait is absolutely delicious, requires no appliances whatsoever, and is relatively cost-effective. Best served in a Target cereal bowl. Points if it is the only bowl (of any size) you own.

(Suggested Wine Pairing: Franzia)

This post is in memoriam of Paula Deen's once storied career in food preparation lacking any semblance of nutritional value. Had she not faced retroactive crucifixion, she probably would have featured this dish on the Food Network in the coming days.

North West-Kardashian

I thought the Kardashians had their hands in everything worth having hands in already: music; sports; TV; fashion; sex tapes (ew). 

But then Kim Kardashian had a baby. With Kanye West. And they used the opportunity to officially usurp one of the only cardinal truths the human race has: ordinal direction; and specifically, North West.

I've written on this topic already, but by way of recap I believe the naming of a child should be one of the most sacred responsibilities a parent has. You shouldn't just name your baby with only future brand potential in mind. I'd like to call it a careless mistake but I know Kimye better than anyone. Naming their girl North West was a carefully calculated decision based on definite wide-scale press coverage and projected merch sales. Vom. Is embryonic stress disorder a thing?

Leave it to the Kardashians to just keep getting more ridiculous. And leave it to me to continue watching their shows regardless of how I feel about their [morally regrettable] life choices. 

Also, I heard Kanye's recently dropped 'Yeezus' is forgettable. That's a discussion for another day.