Taylor Swift's Burn Book

I have this feeling of impending doom. In the wake of Taylor Swift's recently dropped 'Red' album, I fear that she has reached the denouement of her failed relationships/angst. I just know one day I will wake up to learn of her forthcoming single, "Maybe Everything is Actually My Fault"...

Tay, please don't ever find inner peace by taking ownership of your failed relationships. A Taylor at peace may go to the way of an Alanis Morissette at peace. Nobody likes peaceful Alanis.

I want/need to foster her hate; which is why I've decided she should contract me to ghost-write her Burn Book. Although it can be argued her entire discography serves as a psuedo-Burn Book, she's going to need to get creative if she's going to continue violating artistic outlets to convince the public that she's still a vulnerable/innocent party in the pursuit of love. We've come to expect that Taylor's songs will be filled with romanticized portrayals of heartbreak, but we need a fresh perspective. I know I can properly pen how she really feels:

John Mayer

You're right. Dear John is completely about you, but that's what you get for hurting me AND MORE IMPORTANTLY what you get for hurting Jennifer Anniston. I'm still famous and you still have stupid hair.

Jake Gyllenhall

Made out with a hotdog. More than once.

Harry Styles

I don't hate you because you are the lead singer of One Direction, you are the lead singer of One Direction because I hate you.

Ellen Degeneres

#1 Frenemy. Ellen thinks she can just decree that I'm in a relationship with Zac Efron and that it automatically becomes true. What Ellen doesn't know is that everyone only pretends to like her. I'm only semi-cordial to her so I don't alienate the talk show community. I can't risk losing Oprah's blessing. For the record your sweater vests are offensive.

Connor Kennedy

I am not actually a virgin, and you are not actually attractive. Save for Ethel, I'm officially over the Kennedys. You will never be White House-ready, so I'm out. Romney's Sons 2012.

Give it a think, Taylor. I'm here for you.

Malarky

As a niña I frightened easily. My older sister would bid me goodnight with a reminder that a bloodthirsty shark was definitely swimming somewhere within a 100 mile radius of us. Cue nightmare.  As I've grown older I've been able to sleep soundly sans night terrors.

and then this happened.

The maniacal, pandering laughter of Joe Biden from the 2012 VP Debate will undoubtedly haunt me for years to come.

Ugh.

Identity Crisis

Real Talk: I think it's time to update my blog's headline. 

Am I more of a Nicki Minaj than a Ke$ha?

I'm rethinking my life and my choices, but the Pitbull portion is not up for debate.

Many the Miles

Other than the latest installment of my Sara Bareilles-inspired shower solo series , 'Many the Miles' is a really fitting mantra for me--a girl who measures her life in sneakers.

Nike, Adidas, Asics--I've been around the block. I still have the pair of sneakers I bought just before studying abroad in South America. Like a lame-wad, I wrote the names of all the cities and places I ran--including the prize Maratón de Santiago.

My Chilean host mom and I ran together most every day, and one of the first times we did I asked her how she was able to handle 9 or 10 mile runs sans music. She informed me that all she needed was "la música de mis pies," to which I replied (inwardly, of course), "Unless my feet start playing Robert Randolph and the Family Band 'Ain't Nothin' Wrong That', I'm not going to be satisfied with la música de mis pies."

Years after, I get what she meant. Running, for me, has become an intensely intimate experience. It is the one part of my day during which I rely only on myself to get where I'm going and accomplish what I want to accomplish. I answer to no one. I leave my iPhone and Blackberry home where they belong, and I get to head out and race myself to wherever I'm going. 

The other day, for the very first time, I left my iPod at home with the rest of my gadgets.

If you have the ability to stomach cardio without music, I highly recommend trying to do so. It forces you to really think about the things you normally don't have time to think about or even want to think about. Am I okay with where I've been and where I am at 23? Am I okay with where I see myself going? Am I happy? Is Miley Cyrus talented? Do I have enough cat food at home for Ollie? 

I was fortunate enough to finish my run and reflect on the fact that the answer to every question I asked myself was a firm 'yes'--and I only have myself and my new Nike Frees to thank for that. I don't know how many miles I'll run throughout the rest of my lifetime, but I'm so, so excited. It's an amazing feeling. Thank you, sneakers :).

(Note: Listen to this Cyrus' rendition of 'Look What They've Done to my Song' if you're not already on Team Miley).