Annual Oprah Roast

Christmas is coming--and you all know what that means: Oprah released her annual list of favorite (read as: bourgie) things. While you can see the complete list here--I assure you there is no need. I provide an analysis below and have selected the key items that prove, for the millionth year in a row, that Oprah is the most aggravating and fake person on this green Earth.

Truffle Popcorn Kit

Some people dream of success. Others dream of peace. Oprah dreams about a popcorn maker. Popcorn (or Pipcorn if you're the O herself and/or a braggart) is A. not that good and B. NOT worth 94$. 

Chocolate Nativity Scene

A disproportionately high number of items on Oprah's 2013 Favorite Things List involved chocolate (5--or approximately 8.333%). I'd be willing to accept this statistic if she could have at least refrained from turning religion into a dessert. How is a Chocolate Nativity Scene not sacrilege? You love Baby Jesus so much you want to eat him? Have some decorum.

MuuMuu

 According to the Book of O this muumuu (worn best by Homer Simpson when he was collecting disability for being obese) "was born lounge-ready." Damn right it was. Anyone who purchases this particular Favorite Thing better not even entertain the idea of leaving their home. Not even for the paper. It makes me uncomfortable to even look at let alone interact with.

Susan Hanover Earrings

"Bonus: The earrings look more expensive than they actually are!!" I don't love anyone enough to buy them Claire's-y earrings for $220. These earrings are just one of the many clues that lead me to know that Oprah could never walk to hardened streets of normal life among us--the proletariat. 

       

Genevieve Boots

Does Oprah ever stop lying? No shot she wears Uggs. Especially not Uggs adorned with leather bows.

Beats Studio Headphones

Under what circumstance would Oprah need noise-canceling headphones? Are we expected to believe she uses public transportation?

I can't even bring myself to continue this. On a happier note Allison's List of Favorite Things hasn't changed much between 2012 and 2013. The only notable addition would be Kate Spade pendants 'cause I luhhhh dem.

The Great Pumpkin

Doing my part to commemorate 10 years of Pumpkin Spice Latte (hereinafter referred to as #PSL) by dedicating my November post to Starbucks' most storied drink.

For those who have not previously quenched their WASPy holiday thirst with this beverage, a #PSL is an espresso-based drink that is 2 parts milk, 1 part pumpkin imitation syrup, all garnished with several pinches of various psychedelic drugs. It is an American fall staple. 

I cannot speak for others, but all I know is I feel I am the most successful/prettiest version of myself when I walk out of my Starbucks with my red cup holiday cup in hand. I'm taken away to a place where I'm sitting by my house in Lake Tahoe (near an outdoor fire pit, naturally). A place where my life's only regret is not getting whipped cream on my drink. I love that place. You too can go there. I will be waiting for you.

Foreign friends tell me America is the only country as obsessed with pumpkins as we are. Of that I am unendingly proud. In an earlier post describing my trip to London I mentioned I was a fan of the Praline Mocha Latte I replaced my #PSL with while away. I now take the opportunity to clear the air--#PSL>PML no matter your preferred system of measure. People do crazy things while abroad. You just don't plan your future with your side dish, you know what I mean?

#PSL and the associated pumpkin pastries are unequivocally the most superior of the Starbucks holiday spread. Gingerbread Latte? Waste of time. Salted Caramel Mocha Latte? I am a busy lady and therefore I don't have time to verbalize the extra word in the drink's name. Caramel Brulee Latte? That's just pretentious. And can anyone even tell me what Egg Nog is? Didn't think so. 

If you have not had a #PSL today you must run, do not walk, to your nearest Starbucks and partake immediately. It always warms my soul. Happy Birthday, #PSL! To 10 more years. 

iThankful

I don't go home very often, but when I do, I beez in the trap.

I'm thankful for these tricks and for dental insurance:

My Thanksgiving is always a motley assortment of family, friends and traditional as well as non-traditional American holiday fare because I don't like turkey or stuffing or any other Thanksgiving food. This year's menu included Chicken Parm (f-ing delicious), a Halal turkey, and mac & cheese. I'm still not over it.

Highlights from this year included Val saying 'Grace' (fan fave), discussion about why Animal Farm the movie is THE scariest movie and the Redskins beating Dallas. RGIII (RG Tree) is my fantasy QB while Romo rides the bench so it was a little awkward, but mostly great.

Following our repast, my sisters and I take part in a Bacchus-inspired event that involves an iPod dock, 90's anthems, and dining room binge-drinking in leggings. I haven't dabbled much in Kings since 'Cuse, but on this particular holiday my sisters and I always play with eachother, our SOs (if they can handle it) and very close friends that may as well be family.This year we ammended the bylaws to account for incidentals of yesteryears:

My trip home reminded me of just how lucky I am to have my sisters as best friends. I'm thankful for the times I laugh so hard that my stomach cramps up. I'm thankful for the fact that Sheila downloaded the One Hour Photo Soundtrack instead of the movie and that it popped up while driving in the dark woods. I'm thankful for Toejam and Earl being available for purchase on Wii (RIP Sega Genesis). I'm thankful for AppleTV at my Dad's house and rewatching some of my favorite Breaking Bad moments (Skyler in the pool!) I'm thankful for my family, my friends and loved ones everywhere :)

Happy Hollerdays

Bud Light

After a successful St. Patrick's Day weekend, I feel it would be most judicious to express my appreciation for a friend that has never let me down during drinking events:

Bud Light.

Bud Light has been there for me throughout my college years and now beyond. When I need a microphone to accompany me during my my metamorphosis from Normal-Allison ----> Ke$ha-Allison, Bud Light is there. When I'm watching any sporting event, Bud Light is always my plus-one. When Journey sneaks its way onto a bar's playlist, Bud Light is always right there next to me--two lifelong friends that won't stop believin'. 

When there's a long day of drinking ahead to celebrate a heritage that I don't identify with, Bud Light is there. When Syracuse Hoops continues to pull through despite the absence of Fab, Bud Light is there. My standard summer outfit of cut-off jorts and faux-bans is never complete without my favorite blue accessory--Bud Light (or Bud Light Lime if I'm feeling a little funky).

Living in the most powerful city of the free world can be a challenge at times, but perhaps the greatest challenge of them all is enjoying a night out without blowing $40 on drinks. You want a vodka soda? You better take out a loan for that. Fancy a vodka redbull? Legend has it that some bars charge $15 per drank. Bud Light would never do you dirty like that. BL is a familiar face on Happy Hour specials lists, sometimes for as little as $3. A round of this trusty brew will carry you through any event without breaking bank.

So here's to you, Bud Light. My confidant, my partner in crime, my beer of choice.