Where Are They Now?

It is hard to escape the news in the age of Twitter (or 'Tweeter' as my mom endearing called it until I ghost-posted the material for the acclaimed @Donna_Gilchrist feed), customized Google readers and the integration of the '#' function on Facebook. Whether we like it or not we are constantly bombarded with mainstream information. Inevitably this means the 'trends' dominate our body of contemporaneous knowledge. Thanks, in no small part, to CNN's ceaseless coverage of MH370, all I know about the world right now is there's a missing plane and we can't find that shit. This is a highly embarrassing reality. Have you had enough of my news-related platitudes yet? Good, me too. 

My blog's guiding ethos has everything to do with the unknown unknowns. I want to expose you to information you didn't even know you needed. Is that Orwellian? Shut up. You're here now. Welcome aboard.

With this spirit in mind I present to you Where Are They Now?, a catch-up guide for everyone you need to be thinking about more often than you currently do. 

Herman Cain
Though it seems everyone except Tim Pawlenty had their turn as the trendy darling of the 2012 Republican Primary Race, Herm was far and away the most important. A business executive/former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, syndicated Tea Party-oriented columnist and champion of the famous '9-9-9' tax plan (which, as it turns out, was NOT a Domino's large pizza coupon--disappointing). Despite his impressive pedigree he suspended his race to the Oval Office following allegations of sexual misconduct. Ever since there's been virtual radio silence. 

But according to Pink News (not to be confused with P!nk News, which if I had to guess would just link directly to the pop star's Twitter feed), Herman Cain most recently made headlines when the editor-in-chief of his blog compared members of the LGBT community with the Borgs from Strek Trek. Granted, I haven't seen Star Trek--so the Borgs could be a perfectly nice cyborg collective. But I have to imagine this is not the case.

So I guess he's doing...not so great. However he is NOT misconducting himself sexually--let's stick to the facts here. 

Mischa Barton
I don't care where she is. I've hated her ever since my male high school peers expected all the girls to look like the girls galavanting the OC (which is, for those living under a rock, the REAL Orange County). I can only think of one girl who could psychically rival Barton and I don't even know where THAT girl is. Mischa died in a fictional car crash--let's keep her that way. 

Kesha
With a heavy heart I left out the iconic $ from her name because in the end we need to respect each other's identity choices. Despite my benevolence I have just one thing to say: WHY WOULD YOU THIS TO ME?

Kesha has recently emerged from rehab all coherent and reformed. Great. So Proud. But this was my own Minsky Moment. Can you even fathom the time, energy and adoration I invested into loving/promoting Kesha EXACTLY as she was? All the speculation of sainthood, all the market hype--it's GONE. I get that you had a problem that needed solving--but why the name change? I was going to write an entire post dedicated to the aftermath of $-gate, but ultimately decided against it. You HURT ME KES(?)A. 

Tom from Myspace
In your Top 8, by default. 

and by the way if I wasn't on your Top 8 then why are you even reading my blog? Just GO. 

Clay Aiken
I'm sure you all remember Clay--the runner-up from a star-studded second season of American Idol? Maybe you remember him losing to Ruben Studdard--the voice behind what the Rolling Stone has called the "Greatest Song of the Millenium" "Sorry for 2004" ? 

So am I the only one who wasn't aware that Clay Aiken is running for Congress? I have to say I'm rooting for Clay in what is sure to be an uphill battle for a House seat in a traditionally conservative North Carolina district. Can't get enough of a good underdog story--and honestly, he's had enough struggle in his life. I mean he came in SECOND PLACE on American Idol. He's 100% ready to lead the nation.

Aaliyah
Heaven. RIP.

Sporty Spice
How did I not notice she had and continues to have horrific teeth? I think that sums up her Where Are They Now? description. Somewhere still having awful teeth. 

Get invisalign, Girlfriend. 

I hope you feel adequately caught up on America's finest and brightest (except for Sporty Spice--she does not belong to us). I realize I've had quite the hiatus since my last post. I hope to not be away from my blog long enough for someone to write a catch-up post about MY life. If someone feels the need to go this route can you please refer to me as Alli$on? It's my only request.

Editor's Note: Ruben Studdard did not kill someone over a sandwich--despite reports saying otherwise. And by reports I mean my sister told me that and I didn't automatically dismiss the idea. 

Felina

Last summer I embarked on my first foray into TV analysis by predicting possible Breaking Bad outcomes--and let me just say it was nothing short of prophetic. Just kidding. Has anyone heard from Huell?

First order of business: One for three.

Jessie did, in fact, split off from Walt. I couldn't have predicted his fate of meth slave, but I was close. Is it OD that I actually felt a pang of nostalgia every time there was a flashback to Walt and Jesse's early days of cooking foolery? Can't we just go back to the simpler times?

Skyler did not die and after reading Anna Gunn's NYT op-ed I feel remorseful for ever hoping she would. That's actually a lie. Maybe it's girl on girl crime to wish ill on a fictional character but just LET ME LIVE, Anna. Just let me live.

The Germans didn't invade the American meth market and I actually think it's for the best. The US-based criminals on the show were horrifying enough (looking at you, Todd). 

Second order of business: Felina.

I am a huge sucker for TV conspiracy theories, especially when a show I love immensely comes to an end. In the case of Felina, My thirst for more information has proven insatiable.

I was pointed to this one article postulating that Walt froze to death in the car and the remaining events in the episode were nothing more than a dying man's cancer-induced fantasy. As much as I love closure, I have to agree with the idea that Vince Gilligan really would have been pushing the limits of the deus ex machina plot device by allowing Walt to tie up every loose end and die a (relatively) content man in his favorite place in the world--a chemistry lab. Everything worked out too perfectly and Walt has never operated under perfect circumstances. Think about it.

(PS I know I'm the only one trying to franch [french and ranch] happen but I tried it and it was exquisite with chicken nuggets. May these two dressings enjoy their holy blessed condiment matrimony eternally).

Asylum House

This is the story...of two whistleblowers...on the run from Western governments...who agreed to have their lives in virtual exile taped...to find out what happens...when dissidents stop being polite...and start getting real.

ASYLUM HOUSE

Two Whistleblowers. One Embassy. Endless Drama.



If properly exploited, MTV could really reach new heights in the world of reality television. Teen Mom is getting a bit tired. Pregnant and Dating is good but predictable (it usually turns out that nobody wants to date pregnant people). The Kardashians have pretty much done it all at this point. Survivor is just....Survivor. Dance Moms is still great, but we need more than just one night a week of good television. Asylum House is inevitably the way forward in trash TV.

Julian Assange has already advised Edward Snowden via CNN to head for Latin America, which is all but a direct invitation to co-inhabit the Ecuadorean Embassy in London. The show would chronical the mutual struggle between the two of coping with loss of normalcy, life in the global limelight and the day-to-day struggles of living inside one house under constant threat for the foreseeable future. What happens beyond that is up to the cameras to capture. 

Expect Asylum House to begin pre-taping in the coming months and air during Spring 2014.

A's Analogies: Game of Thrones

True or False?

Game of Thrones : Men : Fifty Shades of Grey : Women

I just don't get it. I am officially three episodes into GoT and I remain undecided. So far the show has boasted a surplus Lord of the Rings inspired sex, which is okay, but not much progress in character development. I'm not yet rooting for or against anyone; which is curious because I normally overidentify with characters remarkably early on in my TV relationships (Peggy Olson, "Flynn" Walter Jr. [jk], Lisa Simpson).

Things Working in GoT's Favor:
- Somehow, on a cast list filled with larger than life kings, conniving queens and vengeful nomads--the show's biggest BAMF is a surly, yet shrewd, dwarf.
- 'White Walkers' as potentially deeper and more complex versions of the Walkers I'm accustomed to (The Walking Dead).
- Everything about Arya Stark.
- Adorable/loyal wolves.

I have to say--this list is disappointingly short. I know many people (albiet mostly males) who love Game of Thrones. I suppose I'll continue forth on this particular quest to quench my thirst for addictive TV, but GoT needs to step it up. Asap.

Sopranos Season Finale

You have just entered the Spoiler Zone.

Less than a week ago I finished binge-watching all 86 hours of The Sopranos. Today I'm here to talk about how I'm not sorry about being angry re: the ending.

If it is true Tony was shot to death at the end (and I'm fairly convinced he was thanks to this guy's analysis) then I am DISPLEASED. I really tried to understand the style behind how David Chase conceptualized and subsequently executed the ending. I totally realize the scene in Bobby Bacala's boat from "Soprano Home Movies" (and then flashback to the same scene during the final episode) drove home the suggestion that when you die you probably don't see it coming. I initially "oohed" and "ahhed" at the idea of something so deep and profound coming back to us during the final moments of the series. But then I came to terms with something:

As a proud NJ native with cultural and linguistic ties to North Jersey especially, I became engrossed in The Sopranos. I loved everything about it. At the outset of the final episode I was internally balancing both my sadness of the story being over and my excitement for how it would end. Further, as a novice television series aficionado I grew while watching The Sopranos. I am visually violence-averse, but I withstood -- no, soldiered through the Sopranos. By Season 6's end I was bloodthirsty, and my craving was met with just black. 

I feel that I more than earned the right to watch Tony Soprano's demise in all it's bloody, dramatic and Carmela-witnessing glory. Yet in a 2007 interview with the Star Ledger, David Chase attacked me (yes, ME) with this dagger quote:

"Anybody who wants to watch it, it's all there."

OKAY DAVID. Totally not all there, but I see I won't be getting my way.

Don't mind me. I'll just be here stewing about this until Mad Men comes back (April 7th!).

"You'd Better Redneckognize"

That, my friends, is the mantra of my new favorite diva child in this world, Honey Boo Boo.

I watched TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for my very first time last night, and let me just say this: I was blind, but now I see.

My initial reaction was indignation. Watching Mamma and Sugar Bear romp around with Honey Boo Boo and Glitzy the pig while I sat on my bed WITHOUT a nickname was too much to handle. I soon stopped being a hater, googled 'Honey Boo Boo Nickname Generator' and found that my nickname would be 'Allie Giggles' should I decide to relocate to McIntyre, Georgia. I got into their scene REAL quick--and I haven't looked back since.

From what I understand, Alana (alias Honey Boo Boo) was a contestant on my OTHER favorite TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras. She was just SO over the top (thanks, in no small part, to her pre-pageant ritual of chugging Mountain Dew) that she and her family earned their own show. The show chronicals her quest through pageantry and the sacrifices the family members make to help her stay in the game. 

This HuffPo article claims that Honey Boo Boo gained more ratings than Bill Clinton's speech at the DNC (at least those that tuned into CNN). Good for those people. I WISH I had skipped Bill and watched HBB--am I really the only person I that found his speech to be slimy and unbearable?

Opponents of Honey Boo Boo think that she and her family paint an inaccurate picture of the American South. To those people I say calm down, find a hobby, or just stfu. You're the ones choosing to compare yourselves to them, and I somehow doubt they give a shit about representing you. HBB's mom June, "Mamma", analyzes the opponents with this logic:

"I don't claim to represent all of Georgia, I've never said that. Those haters that are criticizing us about what's on the show are watching us every week. So we call them our 'closet fans', people who don't wanna admit they watch the show."

LOVE that attitude--but really, what I love most about what I've seen so far is the fact that everyone seems so comfortable just being themselves. It's so refreshing. As much as I dig the Kardashians and their fake problems, I gotta say I'm so into HBB.

Instead of justifying why I'm spending my free time watching reality TV instead of working my way through Atlas Shrugged, please refer my academic essay In Defense of Trash TV. Here's an HBB extended promo...as if you need more convincing.  

Breaking Bad: A Way Forward

The first half of AMC's Breaking Bad fifth season is in full swing and I am just loving my life. Blog posts of yester-months may have led some to believe that Mad Men is my favorite show, but really BB (can I call you that, BB?) is my main squeeze.

I'm going to try to make some predictions without having any spoilers--in case anyone has missed the first two eps of the season (and if you're reading this and haven't seen ANY of the earlier seasons, then may God bless you but we're not friends).

Predictions and/or Hopes

Jesse splits from Walt, again

In seasons past, rifts betwixt Jesse and Walt primarily spawned from Jesse's brash actions and general noobery. This time, however, the rift is more likely be caused by the lack of compassion that comes along with Walt's metamorphosis into a one-dimensional meth machine. Jesse has managed to find himself on a (relative) moral high-ground.

Jesse tries his luck at a solo meth-venture after some new misunderstanding divides the twosome again. He saddles back up into the Crystal Ship (the RV from he and Walt's humble beginnings) and hits the open desert for some good old-fashioned cooking. In not wanting to completely rip Walt's recipe (but not really knowing any other way), he laces his meth with Franch to make it his own. This is a huge improvement from Chili P, but still not quite as potent as Walt's meth brew. Skinny P and Badger fall back in line as Jesse's meth soldiers. Despite Jesse's sprinkle of genius in the opening ep of the season ("yeah bitch, MAGNETS"), his savviness in the illicit business has not improved. He only ever manages to hold a mediocre market share.

Skyler dies

Not particularly likely, but I wish it would just happen. In the mean time, I'm thinking of starting a support group for people like myself that feel personally affected by Skyler White's general whoredom. Her role in the show is quickly diminishing and so she'd be a pretty easy cut, but somehow I imagine that Walt's ultimate downfall will be related to his family (although as of right now it doesn't seem that love for his family is really guiding his actions at all).

The ending scene in episode 2 where Walt is coming onto her in bed is supremely uncomfortable and solidifies my fear that he has become a bonafide villain. Nevertheless,that doesn't stop me from having residual hatred for Skyler--and I think I'm being generous in sparing Walter Jr. (Flynn) from my dire prediction.

Germans Invade

Accomplishing what their ancestors never could during WWII, the German executives from Madrigal Electromotive (parent company for Los Pollos Hermanos) will invade the US and try to destroy every remaining link they could possibly have to the late Gus Fring's international dealings/meth empire.

Mike, newly broke after his granddaughter's off-shore bank account gets emptied by the likes of Hank going H.A.M on everyone in his path, is in straits more dire than we have previously seen. He will want to fully control the US front of the Gus fallout, and must put his perpetual state of exasperation to rest in order to be in the proper mindset to be diplomatic with the Germans.

If it wasn't clear from the outset, I don't fully believe that any of this will actually happen--but it'd be pretty boss to be able to say I saw Franch coming as a major player before anyone else did. I will revisit this post to see what, if anything, I was right about.

Mad Men

I woke up on Monday morning feeling like I had been born again overnight. I almost used one of my floating holidays that day to catch up on my rest. Mad Men Day is a new (to be officially commissioned by the US government in time for Season 6) holiday in which viewers and non-viewers alike are supposed to reflect on the progression of professional and social relationships between males and females from the 1960's to today. Most companies recognize Mad Men Day by now, and the day following a season premiere is normally PTO eligible. If your company does NOT recognize MMD, it may be time to seriously consider venturing toward greener professional pastures.



Despite the fact that I closely identify with Rosie the Riveter (except that I would never work in a factory...vom), Mad Men has this uncanny ability to make me see the bright side of getting treated like shit in the workplace.

Further, there are few things in the world I find more reprehensible than cheating, but while watching Mad Men I find great satisfaction in watching Don cheat on Betty. They have kids so it's a bit questionable, but if you're a bitch then I'm kind of into watching you get hurt. Which brings me to my first character analysis:

Betty Draper

All I really have to say about Betty Draper is that she totally creeps me out. I'm no Sister Sufragette, but come on, a little backbone would have sufficed during the tempestuous ending of her marriage. If she visits her daughter's therapist one more time I will officially give up on her character. Remain calm and stop being so surly, Betty. You will always be able to find a new sugar daddy.

Don Draper

Don Draper: Sleek, brooding, and unable to commit to anything other than work. Those are qualities that I would probably find inexcusable in any other circumstance, and I willingly admit that lusting over Don Draper compromises my relationship standards-but he's a special case.


He's polished, perpetually Brooks Brothers'ed , an advertising maverick and an all around regulation hottie. I'm obviously fawning over him, but to be honest I'm pretty disappointed in Don for impulsively marrying a woman that forces surprise parties and opts to sing a burlesque-inspired rendition of 'Zou Bisou Bisou' in public as a gift, but everyone makes mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes have gapped teeth. We're all human--including Don.

Roger Sterling

Runner-up DILF. It's pretty sad to watch as he becomes steadily more desperate professionally, such as when he woke up to crash one of Pete's meetings only to find out that it was a sham/trap. My thoughts? He's just one stairwell heart attack away from leaving my good side forever. On the other hand, he still looks pretty good--a silver fox of sorts. Roger's seen better days, but who knows what good fortune the new season will bring him.

Peggy Olsen

Peggy Olson and I are kind of frenemies. We have a love-hate relationship. I'm starting to like her for the respect she's earning at work, but honestly her bangs (pictured above) from the earlier portion of the series haunt my dreams 3-4 times per week. I'm working on my ability to forgive and forget, so for now, she's my bitch--but not my MAIN bitch, you know?


I want to love her from the inside out, but she always manages to screw up friendship advances. For instance, as I said before, I really admire her for her performance in the workplace, but she manages to sabotage that for me when her chief pitch for a client selling beans is to create a "bean ballet." No thanks Peggy--nobody likes your Bean Ballet. Love you though.

Joan Holloway

I'm normally prejudiced against the ginger and/or overly pale sect of the human race, but Joan's got my vote. When I grow up, I want to look just like her. She's both sassy and bootylicious, two things I'm striving to emulate. I love her dress here. It's patriotic, form-fitting, and straight up chic. Thumbs up, Joan.

I really enjoyed the dynamic between her and Roger, but I'm satisfied with the fact that all that remains of their relationship now is the illegitimate bastard child that she is masquerading as the offspring of her doctor/soldier/fugly man fusion of a husband.

Even though I got cut from the middle school play because I cried during the audition, it's clear that I was born for an acting role on Mad Men. When AMC comes calling, I'll be ready.