Dear Amanda Bynes,
Go home to LA to be with your parents. You're scaring the people of NYC. Your career is salvageable.
You and your Nickelodeon braintrust were among the most influential pioneers during the advent of the World Wide Web via AmandaPlease.com. Has anyone ever told you with great power comes great responsibility?
Even when you left Nickelodeon you were heading toward greatness. Your performance in She's the Man? My God. You were loving up on Channing Tatum before any of the rest of us even thought to do it. And now look at you.
Driving with a suspended license? That's relatable. Clearly I've never done it but I know people who have and they seem normal. Smoking weed at a Planet Fitness on 4/20? What? Cryptic tweets about murdering your vagina? Girlfriend, THAT'S WEIRD.
I get it--I really do. You were a child celebrity and we saw what happened to MacCaulay Culkin but that is NO EXCUSE. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AMANDA.
Your train wreck stage is hitting me harder than when Britney had her episodes--and I was sure that sort of pain couldn't be paralleled. Don't let me down. And don't shave your head.
Concerned,
Allison
I am particularly displeased with the state of law enforcement today. Allow me to present a scenario.
Stage Left: Innocent, law-abiding citizen with only one speeding ticket on record (35mph over the speed limit isn't THAT bad...right?) trying to cross a moderately busy road to catch a cab going in the opposite direction. No cars approaching, red lights as far as the eye can see. Just myself, the open road, and possibly Jack Kerouac ahead.
Stage Right: Dad-cop (who I will refer to as "Pete" because it reflects his simplicity yet unyielding commitment to rules...would you try to fight a Pete?) literally performing circus-like tricks for a group of Asian tourists holding what appeared to be novelty-sized cameras and sporting "I <3 DC" t-shirts.
I evaluate the situation, determine that the road is safe for me to cross, and subsequently commence a half jog-trot to get to the other side. No REAL urgency--after all, no one is coming (this is key).
Denouement: "Pete" exclaims, "Hey Miss! HEY. HEY. HEY." and I, of course, continue my journey to the other side, his side, to catch my cab (spoiler alert: I miss the cab). Our conversation continues as such:
"Pete" - "What do you think you're doing?"
Allison - "NM, U?"
"Pete" - "You didn't use the crosswalk"
Allison - "o."
"Pete" - "I'm going to have to write you a ticket, A/S/L?"
Allison - %#%^&$@*^$.
"Pete" - "Cya."
...and after that encounter he took a picture with the tourists. I think they thought he was the Terminator.
I've seen this cop before. He is a step up from a rent-a-cop. All he does is 'trol the stretch of sidewalk between McDonald's and Chipotle. At any given time on that stretch, there is a pseudo-homeless man (sorry but he's just way too healthy to be in straits as dire as he proclaims) soliciting money and hoodlums stealing from CVS. Me j(ay)-walking was really the focus of his efforts to enforce law and order today? He must have been having a bad day, but I am going to make it my mission to push his buttons every time I see him. You don't even want to know how much I'm going to litter on his sidewalk.
