Today I had a falling out with my Pandora and it wasn't pretty.
Normally she (yes, I've personified my Pandora) seems to understand me better than anyone else, but today was a musical disaster. I really thought we had worked through our issues. Excuse me while I vent.
I don't have time to pay a ton of attention to her, so the beginning was a little rough. My go-to station at work is my 'Adele' creation. We had our fits and starts, but Pandora eventually learned that I like to have actual Adele songs at only interspersed intervals. I can't handle all of the heartache entrenched in her lyrics. I mean, all 'Make You Feel My Love' makes me feel is that I want to die.
I have spent months nurturing my work Pandora and so I REALLY didn't appreciate a live rendition of Beyoncé's 'If I Were a Boy'. I was aggravated, no horrified, that Pandora thought I would even consider giving this monstrosity the coveted thumbs up. Bey, you my girl, but this song is atrocious. Good thing you did a very magical rendition of the Etta James' "At Last" and that I'm still reeling from the loss of one of the great female vocalists of our time. I'm vulnerable.
'If I Were a Boy' was not my only issue with Pandora today. I felt as though she was out to get me. I can only imagine her Cheshire Cat smile when she selected One Direction 'What Makes You Beautiful' for my listening displeasure.
Did I do something wrong? Here I thought Pandora and I were ride or die. You think you know someone...
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Doritos
Let's talk tradition. Let's talk Doritos.
Nacho Cheese Doritos fall right in line with the NFL and the stars and stripes as icons that characterize our great nation. Watching the fireworks on 4th of July and seeing a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos at another kids' birthday party are the only two occassions from my childhood that I specifically remember moving me to tears. Actually my favorite snack was definitely Cheetos (puffy...let's be serious) but Chester Cheeto went from being relatable to being a predator very quickly. But I digress..
Doritos. Last time I checked there were 2 flavors: Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch. Today at the grocery store I realized that I was so, so wrong.
Doritos. Last time I checked there were 2 flavors: Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch. Today at the grocery store I realized that I was so, so wrong.
According to the very reliable "Now That's Nifty" blog, there are, or have been, 102 different flavors of Doritos at least. For all we know there are 5-6 undocumented species of Doritos hidden deep within some North Korean province.
Why must there be so many flavors? How is anyone supposed to keep up? I just don't see how they could be dramatically different. What exactly distinguishes the "Original Taco" flavoring from the "Rock Taco" and "Tacos at Midnight" flavorings? Am I missing something?
What happened to my beloved, recognizable red and blue bags? After reviewing the 102 types my conclusion is this: the Mexicans and the Asians have completely overtaken innovative flavor operations for Doritos. It's so, so clear. Just LOOK at that list: Seaweed, Sesame Chicken, Quiejo Nacho, Queso Grande, Mr. Dragon's Fire Chips. Those are NOT the product of OUR creative minds. First our manufacturing jobs and now this? We are truly a devolving society.
For the first time I truly feel as though I'm aging. This is how my grandpa must have felt when he got a computer in his house. I imagine he felt like he couldn't keep up with the world, and now I feel the same way. I need to lay down.
Friday, June 8, 2012
What's In A Name?
A lot, IMO.
At 11:30 PM on June 4, 2012 #MyNameWasSupposedToBe was trending on twitter in Washington. Legend has it that one of the names on the short-list of possible names for me was "Roxanne."
...I know, I know. Honestly what I think happened was my mom didn't get weird food cravings, but rather weird name cravings. I can't think of one single other reasonable way to describe her near lack of judgement. I get that hormones make you do crazy things, but 'Roxanne' would have been cruel. I mean, being the rockstar that I am, I naturally would have been able to rock 'Roxanne' (no pun), but it would have been unfair and I would have faced adversity my whole life. 'Allison' is about average. Not excessively common, but not abstract. Just normal. It suits me well. My sister used to try and tell me that I was named after Allison Transmission, and even if that were true I'd prefer that over Roxanne.
Allison didn't make the Top 40 Baby Names of 2012, but 'Zoey' did. Sometimes I don't get you people. Zoey? Isabella? Jacob? Just how many people are naming their kids after Twilight characters/Disney channel stars? Number 1 for boys is MASON?! As in Kourtney Karshdashian's baby with the angry eyebrows?? Is someone going to have to name their kid iCarly before we start saying parents are going too far?
And what is really good with hipster names? I love this article. "Why do parents who are making such efforts to move ahead of the crowd end up simply jumping off a groovier bridge?" These are the questions...
It's a little different for animals, I know, but nonetheless I have been agonizing over the name of my future kitten (ETA June 20)! The pressure isn't particularly crippling because it's not even a question of whether or not kitty and I are going to be ride or die, but I would still feel bad giving it a weird name regardless of the fact that the love between us will be unconditional. I'm going with 'Oliver' for a boy (which I'm hoping for), or 'Ollie' when it's just the two of us running around the apartment and jumping on the bed. Oliver made it onto the top (human) baby names list linked above, but as far as I'm concerned Oliver is only appropriate for orphans and kittens.
It seems that people aren't always as cautious as me in naming living beings. I met a woman and her puppy in an elevator sometime last month. She was be-floppy hatted, but otherwise she seemed ordinary. The dog started licking my hand as an introduction and then she announced, "This is Justice...Justice Dandelion" (verbatim).
Whoa, excuse me? Stop right there. I almost called PETA immediately because this is obviously a form of animal cruelty. Justice Dandelion? Why? JD is going to have his ass HANDED to him at the dog park, and it is completely this woman's fault.
Granting a name to another living being is a sacred opportunity. To some degree you control someone else's identity. Let's be serious--anyone that names their kid Allison but uses "Y" instead of "I" or the dreaded single "L" is setting their daughter up for imminent failure. The poor girl could never feel complete, and who wants to live that way?
At 11:30 PM on June 4, 2012 #MyNameWasSupposedToBe was trending on twitter in Washington. Legend has it that one of the names on the short-list of possible names for me was "Roxanne."
...I know, I know. Honestly what I think happened was my mom didn't get weird food cravings, but rather weird name cravings. I can't think of one single other reasonable way to describe her near lack of judgement. I get that hormones make you do crazy things, but 'Roxanne' would have been cruel. I mean, being the rockstar that I am, I naturally would have been able to rock 'Roxanne' (no pun), but it would have been unfair and I would have faced adversity my whole life. 'Allison' is about average. Not excessively common, but not abstract. Just normal. It suits me well. My sister used to try and tell me that I was named after Allison Transmission, and even if that were true I'd prefer that over Roxanne.
Allison didn't make the Top 40 Baby Names of 2012, but 'Zoey' did. Sometimes I don't get you people. Zoey? Isabella? Jacob? Just how many people are naming their kids after Twilight characters/Disney channel stars? Number 1 for boys is MASON?! As in Kourtney Karshdashian's baby with the angry eyebrows?? Is someone going to have to name their kid iCarly before we start saying parents are going too far?
And what is really good with hipster names? I love this article. "Why do parents who are making such efforts to move ahead of the crowd end up simply jumping off a groovier bridge?" These are the questions...
It's a little different for animals, I know, but nonetheless I have been agonizing over the name of my future kitten (ETA June 20)! The pressure isn't particularly crippling because it's not even a question of whether or not kitty and I are going to be ride or die, but I would still feel bad giving it a weird name regardless of the fact that the love between us will be unconditional. I'm going with 'Oliver' for a boy (which I'm hoping for), or 'Ollie' when it's just the two of us running around the apartment and jumping on the bed. Oliver made it onto the top (human) baby names list linked above, but as far as I'm concerned Oliver is only appropriate for orphans and kittens.
It seems that people aren't always as cautious as me in naming living beings. I met a woman and her puppy in an elevator sometime last month. She was be-floppy hatted, but otherwise she seemed ordinary. The dog started licking my hand as an introduction and then she announced, "This is Justice...Justice Dandelion" (verbatim).
Whoa, excuse me? Stop right there. I almost called PETA immediately because this is obviously a form of animal cruelty. Justice Dandelion? Why? JD is going to have his ass HANDED to him at the dog park, and it is completely this woman's fault.
Granting a name to another living being is a sacred opportunity. To some degree you control someone else's identity. Let's be serious--anyone that names their kid Allison but uses "Y" instead of "I" or the dreaded single "L" is setting their daughter up for imminent failure. The poor girl could never feel complete, and who wants to live that way?
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Jet Setter Jet Lagger
The month of my 23rd birthday has arrived. 23 is kind of a blah year, so I want to make it special for myself because, well, I'm special. I officially want to buy myself a plane ticket to somewhere, but, help! I'm not a vacation person, and thus, I have many, many unused vacation days for work that will just disappear if I don't cash in. This is an emergency.
I have rules. Everyone's allowed to have standards right? Here are mine:
No places I've already visited:
Going to a restaurant and ordering the same sandwich every time is one thing, but not taking the opportunity to try a new country when I really have nothing to lose is quite another. I am a Latin America enthusiast by trade and blood, and I really would love to go back to LA+C, but: Dominican Republic, Chile, Brazil, Jamaica, Peru, Uruguay, Argentina, Ecuador--love you betches, but you're disqualified.
No "neutral" countries:
I'm looking at you, Switzerland. You think you're better than everyone else and I totally see through your peace-loving, humanitarian-oriented foreign policy façade. It's like when people say they don't judge other Facebooks, it's just not true. Everyone does and I refuse to hear another word about it.
No landlocked countries:
I'm not going. I'm just. Not. Going. It creeps me out. I have no good explanation for why, and I'm not ashamed to say so.
No countries on the verge of default:
I know that many of the places I've already visited have actually defaulted in the past but...this is a new rule. Get your shit together. You are a risky investment of my time.
No insane visa prices:
Let's keep it below $150. Brazil was a little pricey--but it's good for 10 years so it doesn't seem such a waste. Going to Lake Titicaca in Bolivia while I was in South America would have cost me $170. Whatever--it's landlocked anyway. Sorry I'm not sorry that you keep your navy in a lake incase somebody decides to give you access to the sea, Bolivia. Going to Peru, on the other hand, only cost me about $2, but that was probably because my friends and I took a taxi that drove us right to the border and then took our passports away to a secret room for some reason. Seemed unsavory, but the price was right.
I have no real agenda for my travel--I just want to BE somewhere and explore for myself. I need somewhere with some respectable eco-tourist options. I'm also open to the idea of voluntouring, but it would need to be legit. I'm not going to give money to volunteer for an orphanage that doesn't exist, so...
This is a plea to anyone who reads my blog: Please, please, please help me decide my next adventure! It could be kind of like reading a Goosebumps "choose your own adventure" book, except no haunted carnivals please.
I have rules. Everyone's allowed to have standards right? Here are mine:
No places I've already visited:
Going to a restaurant and ordering the same sandwich every time is one thing, but not taking the opportunity to try a new country when I really have nothing to lose is quite another. I am a Latin America enthusiast by trade and blood, and I really would love to go back to LA+C, but: Dominican Republic, Chile, Brazil, Jamaica, Peru, Uruguay, Argentina, Ecuador--love you betches, but you're disqualified.
No "neutral" countries:
I'm looking at you, Switzerland. You think you're better than everyone else and I totally see through your peace-loving, humanitarian-oriented foreign policy façade. It's like when people say they don't judge other Facebooks, it's just not true. Everyone does and I refuse to hear another word about it.
No landlocked countries:
I'm not going. I'm just. Not. Going. It creeps me out. I have no good explanation for why, and I'm not ashamed to say so.
No countries on the verge of default:
I know that many of the places I've already visited have actually defaulted in the past but...this is a new rule. Get your shit together. You are a risky investment of my time.
No insane visa prices:
Let's keep it below $150. Brazil was a little pricey--but it's good for 10 years so it doesn't seem such a waste. Going to Lake Titicaca in Bolivia while I was in South America would have cost me $170. Whatever--it's landlocked anyway. Sorry I'm not sorry that you keep your navy in a lake incase somebody decides to give you access to the sea, Bolivia. Going to Peru, on the other hand, only cost me about $2, but that was probably because my friends and I took a taxi that drove us right to the border and then took our passports away to a secret room for some reason. Seemed unsavory, but the price was right.
I have no real agenda for my travel--I just want to BE somewhere and explore for myself. I need somewhere with some respectable eco-tourist options. I'm also open to the idea of voluntouring, but it would need to be legit. I'm not going to give money to volunteer for an orphanage that doesn't exist, so...
This is a plea to anyone who reads my blog: Please, please, please help me decide my next adventure! It could be kind of like reading a Goosebumps "choose your own adventure" book, except no haunted carnivals please.
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