Diet Coke

I reserve Usher song dedications for only the most meaningful/painful breakups. So this one's for you, Diet Coke.

Although we were never FBO, my love for you was very public. I'm sure by now you realize you were the one BEFORE "the one", but I can hope you can be happy for me and my newfound relationship with Diet Pepsi.

New Year, New Me, New Love.

2013: Resolved

The Daily Beast published an article detailing why New Year's Resolutions Fail. The article did a great job discouraging me, but I will move forward with establishing my ressies anyway. And I'm putting them on the internet to create some sort of accountability for myself. Not that I care about what you think anyway.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2013 (hereinafter Resolutions) include the following:

- Read at least four full-length fiction books. For pleasure/personal fulfillment--with the goal of learning absolutely nothing (any personal discovery does not constitute a violation of this resolution). 4 per year averages out to one per season--seems legit;

- Go home to New Jersey for (at least) one weekend completely dedicated to volunteering for the restore the shore effort;

- Learn to cook something other than oatmeal and cereal. However I am not cutting Trix cereal out of my life. I'm no sadist;

- Finish 2 marathons and/or half-marathons. Already signed up for one (hi FBD)--so I'm halfway done with this resolution. Don't care if it's cheating. See you never;

- Call people for no reason other than to just talk. Sans agenda. This is a hard one for me. I love texting. I love g-chatting. I love Facebook poking. It's a problem;

- Travel to somewhere I haven't already been. I went to London last month and I am already reinfected with the travel bug. Doesn't need to be abroad. I don't believe Mt. Rushmore is real so I'd be into a trip to South Dakota...or a place in which I could see a jack rabbit (don't believe those are real, either); 

- Gangnam style for an audience of greater than 30 people and receive a standing ovation;

- Reduce my daily caffeine intake. Right now I average about 8-10 caffeinated beverages per day. This resolution is an attempt to lengthen my lifespan--which I estimate to be about 55 years if I continue on the path I currently tread;

Am I overzealous? Whatever. Here's hoping I find some discipline in 2013. 

Happy New Year :) 

Taylor Swift's Burn Book

I have this feeling of impending doom. In the wake of Taylor Swift's recently dropped 'Red' album, I fear that she has reached the denouement of her failed relationships/angst. I just know one day I will wake up to learn of her forthcoming single, "Maybe Everything is Actually My Fault"...

Tay, please don't ever find inner peace by taking ownership of your failed relationships. A Taylor at peace may go to the way of an Alanis Morissette at peace. Nobody likes peaceful Alanis.

I want/need to foster her hate; which is why I've decided she should contract me to ghost-write her Burn Book. Although it can be argued her entire discography serves as a psuedo-Burn Book, she's going to need to get creative if she's going to continue violating artistic outlets to convince the public that she's still a vulnerable/innocent party in the pursuit of love. We've come to expect that Taylor's songs will be filled with romanticized portrayals of heartbreak, but we need a fresh perspective. I know I can properly pen how she really feels:

John Mayer

You're right. Dear John is completely about you, but that's what you get for hurting me AND MORE IMPORTANTLY what you get for hurting Jennifer Anniston. I'm still famous and you still have stupid hair.

Jake Gyllenhall

Made out with a hotdog. More than once.

Harry Styles

I don't hate you because you are the lead singer of One Direction, you are the lead singer of One Direction because I hate you.

Ellen Degeneres

#1 Frenemy. Ellen thinks she can just decree that I'm in a relationship with Zac Efron and that it automatically becomes true. What Ellen doesn't know is that everyone only pretends to like her. I'm only semi-cordial to her so I don't alienate the talk show community. I can't risk losing Oprah's blessing. For the record your sweater vests are offensive.

Connor Kennedy

I am not actually a virgin, and you are not actually attractive. Save for Ethel, I'm officially over the Kennedys. You will never be White House-ready, so I'm out. Romney's Sons 2012.

Give it a think, Taylor. I'm here for you.