La Vie Parisienne

Two weeks ago I was in Paris. Le sigh. Such a good time almost entirely on my company's dime. Sometimes being a grown-ass woman isn't so bad. 

My trip to Paris was my very first time visiting a country for which I have absolutely NO language skills. None. Oui? Oui. But that didn't stop me from making lots of new French friends. And by French friends I mean coworkers from various offices around the world that happened to be in France. Does that make them French? Anyway...

Really the main purpose of my trip was to attend a conference with my group and "network" (vom) with my team's global offices. Nothing I love more than breaking into working groups in which everyone pledges to do something better or to create protocols no one plans on implementing. But I'm not a hater. Send me to any country and I'm down to talk about whatever.

Professional take away messages most applicable to me? Hierarchy disappears on the dance floor. My sweet moves are what I bring to the proverbial table. I'm convinced that's my one true competitive advantage. In reality, after the hellish weeks we've been having at work as of late, my friends and I probably looked more like this:

But that's okay. I'm positive we looked great doing it. Golden Girl at stage left is doing my signature move--in case anyone was wondering.

Other than the conference:

I was the princess of Chantilly;

I saw the Eiffel Tower;

I ate my weight in cheese, wine and baguettes;

I met my long lost twins;

I owned everyone/everything;

I found myself at a place called VIP Room, where one of my cultural spirit animals, Nicki Minaj, has performed. Obviously didn't know this at the time--or I would have made sure I never washed the dress I wore there ever again.

Ready for my next adventure!

--Fin.--

Memory Hoarding

It's official. My passport (est. 2006) is lost and has to be replaced. Whilst searching my apartment I came to realize something about myself--and as we well know the first step to sustainable recovery is public and shame-inducing admission. So, here we go...

My name is Allison. I am a Memory-Hoarder.

After a rigorous Google session I was able to conclusively determine memory hoarding is both under-researched and severely under-treated. I visited the WebMD Symptom Checker and selected my irregularities (excessive sweating, feeling fearful, food cravings, inability to care for self and short stature) and my result was agoraphobia. Thanks, WebMD. Clearly going to have to define memory hoarding myself:

Memory Hoarding (n.) - A disorder characterized by an inability to distinguish between true mementos and clutter. The patient often experiences temporary paralysis at the very idea of being under-prepared for any life circumstance. Justifies hoarding with claims of the clutter having intrinsic value.

I am undoubtedly MH+. Here are some of the gems I uncovered during my search:

- My Juice Jam ticket from 2007--signed by Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind. How many times have I seen 3eb? 15? 20? I think that era of my life is definitely over. I don't need to relive any of those concerts. 

- A football ticket stub from Syracuse v. University of Washington (?) from the same year. I'm sure that was a great time with all my awkward first month of freshman year friends. Love you guys.

- A field hockey shirt that realistically hasn't touched my body in at least 7 years. Emblazoned with the typical field hockey mantra "Don't let the skirt fool you" across the chest, this t-shirt may very well be the most regrettable/embarrassing purchase of my entire life.

- Immigration papers that nobody ever bothered to collect from me in Brazil (but what if I ever go back and they realize they never took them from me???)

- Hotel room keys from a work trip to NYC. Necessary.

- Model UN placard from the year I represented Kazakhstan. Ok.

- "Get Well Soon" cards from 4th grade. Good memory.

- 2 or 3 pairs of headphones with one or both earphones broken.

- 8 empty shampoo/condish bottles lining my shower.

It's time for a life change. I need to revamp the organizational structure of my apartment. My passport was the first victim of my hoarding and it's not farfetched to think my cat will be next.

But mostly I want to know: Do you think my condition is grounds enough to check into some ritzy celebrity rehab, or am I going to need to get caught driving drunk and in possession coke like Lindsey Lohan? I just want to know what my options are.

Thank you and Goodbye.

2013: Resolved

The Daily Beast published an article detailing why New Year's Resolutions Fail. The article did a great job discouraging me, but I will move forward with establishing my ressies anyway. And I'm putting them on the internet to create some sort of accountability for myself. Not that I care about what you think anyway.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2013 (hereinafter Resolutions) include the following:

- Read at least four full-length fiction books. For pleasure/personal fulfillment--with the goal of learning absolutely nothing (any personal discovery does not constitute a violation of this resolution). 4 per year averages out to one per season--seems legit;

- Go home to New Jersey for (at least) one weekend completely dedicated to volunteering for the restore the shore effort;

- Learn to cook something other than oatmeal and cereal. However I am not cutting Trix cereal out of my life. I'm no sadist;

- Finish 2 marathons and/or half-marathons. Already signed up for one (hi FBD)--so I'm halfway done with this resolution. Don't care if it's cheating. See you never;

- Call people for no reason other than to just talk. Sans agenda. This is a hard one for me. I love texting. I love g-chatting. I love Facebook poking. It's a problem;

- Travel to somewhere I haven't already been. I went to London last month and I am already reinfected with the travel bug. Doesn't need to be abroad. I don't believe Mt. Rushmore is real so I'd be into a trip to South Dakota...or a place in which I could see a jack rabbit (don't believe those are real, either); 

- Gangnam style for an audience of greater than 30 people and receive a standing ovation;

- Reduce my daily caffeine intake. Right now I average about 8-10 caffeinated beverages per day. This resolution is an attempt to lengthen my lifespan--which I estimate to be about 55 years if I continue on the path I currently tread;

Am I overzealous? Whatever. Here's hoping I find some discipline in 2013. 

Happy New Year :) 

Londres

Back in June I lamented that I hadn't left the country in almost two years. Sorpresa! I got the chance to go to London! My itinerary even met the criteria I had set out for myself--the UK is not landlocked, on the verge of default and there is no visa requirement. Other than the fact that I left home with no coat and no laptop, I was ready!

Although the primary purpose of my travel was to attend a project management training course for work--I extended my stay so that I could see the sights, drink the cidre (see what I did there?) and visit/cuddle with friends. 

Highlights:
I attended prayer services twice in the Cathedrals, so you can say I re-connected with God. I'm revisiting the idea of putting in an application for Sainthood.

I watched Katy Perry's Part of Me on the airplane and cried because I was so inspired. I'm a bonafide Katy Kat.

I discovered a new city, met new people AND a became intimately familiar with a new Starbucks menu (Praline Mocha Latte--you are my spirit animal). 

Tower of London. I'm basically a certified expert on monarchies and royal menageries. I carried myself as if there was a talent scout looking for the next addition to the royal family, and I think I made a good impression.

Running along the Thames River. Nothing makes me feel more alive than running in a new place.

The training itself--VERY passable. Work seminars have the potential to be excruciatingly boring, but I was pleasantly surprised. One of the men leading the course is a former project manager at Lego, so we immediately had common ground to stand on. Legos were a cornerstone of my formative years.

Lowlights:
During a team-building exercise in which I was blind-folded, I shit-talked every other team and then caused my own team to lose by falling in a bush. Not my best moment.

I got woman-handled by airport security at Heathrow TWICE. Girl put her hands all up in the waistband of my leggings. I almost asked for money from her because alla dis don't come cheap, ya know? If I wasn't already projected to be the very last person to make it on the plane, I would have.

Missing the election--as if voting absentee isn't anticlimactic enough. My plan was to head to a bar that promised twinkies, hot dogs, and other American fare. Line was out the door (obviously). To add insult to injury--I'm now seeing that twinkie's days are numbered. So it is very likely that I will NEVER have the chance to eat twinkies on election night again in my life. I'm going to dedicate an entire chapter in my memoir to this injustice.

Additionally, the next day, people at my training wasted no time trying to tell me why America sucks. Sorry I'm not sorry that I love America.

Mediumlights:
I learned EVERYTHING about heresy, torture, and the history of the British justice system via a visit to Clinks Prison Museum. I can't decide if this was a good or a bad experience. I was literally the only person in this purposefully dank and dreary museum.

I didn't find Adele, and I looked everywhere.

I tried lamb. I now know for sure that I'm not into it.

Overall-light:
I had a great time, learned a lot, and laughed a ton. An extra special thanks to Maria Preetha y Lucita for having me as the third flat-mate :). Abrazos!

"No Question is a 'Dumb' Question" and other Fables

You know what makes me feel fuzzy inside? The memory from high school of teachers ending classes with my favorite blanket statement of all time:

"Does anyone have any questions? Remember, no question is a dumb question!"

God that makes me cringe. The amount of hand-holding that went on during my education was unbearable. I get that the purpose is to encourage people to speak out even if they're shy, but a little tough love here and there would have been a better favor to people than pretending as though some questions weren't just idiotic. I conceptualized this post a while ago, but what I needed was a real, RECENT example. And then I got it.

Last night I was sitting in my hotel room eating hairy sushi for one (not joking) when I got a conference call from my beloved co-workers in DC (Hola a todos). Having a degree in Political Science has qualified me to answer all science oriented questions, and so when they were having an origin of life-based debate, they obviously knew who to call. The question went as follows:

"So like...if time machines were real, and you were a dude, and you went back in time and got your mom pregnant....could you be your own father?"

Suffice to say, something clicked in my head: THIS was just the breakthrough example I needed to prove my what I have known all along--There ARE dumb questions.

You can OBVIOUSLY be your own father.

I'm not saying it would be pretty--being born of your own sperm sounds a bit messy. I think it'd play out a little like this, a clip from one of my favorite South Park episodes.

So there you have it. A really, really stupid question.

Jet Setter Jet Lagger

The month of my 23rd birthday has arrived. 23 is kind of a blah year, so I want to make it special for myself because, well, I'm special. I officially want to buy myself a plane ticket to somewhere, but, help! I'm not a vacation person, and thus, I have many, many unused vacation days for work that will just disappear if I don't cash in. This is an emergency. 

I have rules. Everyone's allowed to have standards right? Here are mine:

No places I've already visited:
Going to a restaurant and ordering the same sandwich every time is one thing, but not taking the opportunity to try a new country when I really have nothing to lose is quite another. I am a Latin America enthusiast by trade and blood, and I really would love to go back to LA+C, but: Dominican Republic, Chile, Brazil, Jamaica, Peru, Uruguay, Argentina, Ecuador--love you betches, but you're disqualified.

No "neutral" countries:
I'm looking at you, Switzerland. You think you're better than everyone else and I totally see through your peace-loving, humanitarian-oriented foreign policy façade. It's like when people say they don't judge other Facebooks, it's just not true. Everyone does and I refuse to hear another word about it. 

No landlocked countries:
I'm not going. I'm just. Not. Going. It creeps me out. I have no good explanation for why, and I'm not ashamed to say so. 

No countries on the verge of default:
I know that many of the places I've already visited have actually defaulted in the past but...this is a new rule. Get your shit together. You are a risky investment of my time.

No insane visa prices:
Let's keep it below $150. Brazil was a little pricey--but it's good for 10 years so it doesn't seem such a waste. Going to Lake Titicaca in Bolivia while I was in South America would have cost me $170. Whatever--it's landlocked anyway. Sorry I'm not sorry that you keep your navy in a lake incase somebody decides to give you access to the sea, Bolivia. Going to Peru, on the other hand, only cost me about $2, but that was probably because my friends and I took a taxi that drove us right to the border and then took our passports away to a secret room for some reason. Seemed unsavory, but the price was right.

I have no real agenda for my travel--I just want to BE somewhere and explore for myself. I need somewhere with some respectable eco-tourist options. I'm also open to the idea of voluntouring, but it would need to be legit. I'm not going to give money to volunteer for an orphanage that doesn't exist, so...

This is a plea to anyone who reads my blog: Please, please, please help me decide my next adventure! It could be kind of like reading a Goosebumps "choose your own adventure" book, except no haunted carnivals please.