Thursday, January 31, 2013

Stop Pinning, Start Doing

Remember that time I said I was going to be really active on Pinterest?


For those who don't know: Pinterest is an online, primarily female, community of people who basically create collections ("boards") of recipes, JCrew clothes, home decor, butt-toning exercises and wedding centerpiece ideas. Sometimes unidentified babies are thrown into the mix. It is essentially a virtual refrigerator door or glorified cork board. 

I have come to the conclusion that Pinterest is NOT for me. I can't bake those recipes. I can't contort my body into those yoga poses. I have no interest in a 7 day juice cleanse. I don't have a multi-bedroom house to fill those crafts with...OR the skills to make crafts. I don't have a wedding to plan. I have ready access to adorable animal pictures on my iphone. I just don't have a place in the Pinterest community.

Okay--maybe I'm just bitter that nobody follows my boards. Why doesn't my collage of my favorite books' cover pages interest you people? What about my board that only has a softball glove pinned to it--are you guys saying my glove isn't fascinating?

I'm mad at everyone. 

But here's a link to my pinterest anyway. Just incase.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Destiny's Child

In light of the recent outcry over Beyoncé lip-syncing the Star Spangled Banner during the Obama Inauguration, I just wanted to remind you ingrates about what the queen has done (and can do) for you.

They say music is the most profound form of human expression. Can anybody out there name one life event/situation that cannot be most accurately described with a little less talk and a lot more Destiny's Child? Beyoncé and her crew have been there for us through it all.



I compiled a list of life's victories and struggles and subsequently placed the appropriate D. Child song written to help us get through and/or celebrate these times:

Courtship (of the 'Hard to Get Variety') : Bootylicious

First paycheck from big girl/boy job : Independent Women (Part I)

Break Ups : Survivor

Dealing with that friend that sneakily doesn't put in enough money at group dinners : Bills Bills Bills

Fridays (the expectation) : Jumpin', Jumpin'

Frenemies : Nasty Girl

Loss : Emotion

Society at War : Soldier

From middle school through present day I have been a devout follower of the spoken word and lyrical teachings of Destiny's Child and ipso facto Beyoncé. I know honesty is the best policy when speaking on religion and faith, so I will admit I've mostly fallen out of touch with Kelly and Michelle (was I ever in touch with Michelle? was anyone ever in touch with Michelle??). 

Regardless, neither of those 2 (or the 4th Child who shall remain nameless) spoke to my soul in quite the same way as Beyoncé has always been able to. When reacting to tribulations and triumphs alike I always asked myself WWBD--"What Would Beyoncé Do?" By way of consequence I have mostly managed to handle life's happenings with style, grace and just a sprinkle of booty-poppin'.

I'm not suggesting you go as far as to break ground on a new Beyoncé shrine in your closet--but all I'm saying is each night I kneel beside my bed and ask Beyoncé to watch over me and guide me during every stage of my decision-making processes; and I never make the wrong choices. 

Be grateful for what she's done for you; and more importantly what she will CONTINUE to do for you despite your gross lack of respect. Beyoncé loves us all even when we are too selfish/mortal to appreciate it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Cristal Poppin' in the Stretch Navigator

"Now uh...I don't usually do this, but uh..."

This morning I woke up, scanned my twitter and learned that someone near and dear to me is celebrating a birthday today...

Happy 10th Birthday, Ignition (Remix)!



10 years. 10 fruitful, rewarding years. 10 years since we exercised poetic license in our AIM away messages  and used the remix lyrics to herald every coming (and likely Cristal-less) weekend. 10 years of runnin' our hands through our 'fros. From middle school to the office, Ignition (Remix) has been omnipresent. 

I don't care what anyone says about you or your fetishes, R. Kelly. Thank you for remixing 'Ignition' (because honestly the original just wasn't cutting it).

I become emotional on birthdays. Where does the time go?

Update: The people have spoken via the 'We the People' Whitehouse platform. As of this update--America only needs 98,864 more signature to replace the national anthem with Ignition (Remix). Onward in liberty, patriots!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Un-Chic Things Weekly: The Flu

In 2005, there was Bird Flu--which was way cool:

birdflu.gif


Then in 2009 there was Swine Flu--which was also exciting because it felt like Animal Farm had become real:



and now...

REGULAR FLU.
Yawn.

I had the flu once in my life. Nobody (not even ABC) believes me when I say I got the flu the one time I consented to receiving the shot--but I DID. Suffice to say, I did not get the flu shot this season.
Am I second-guessing myself for this decision? Definitely not. Avoiding contraction of the regular flu is not simply a question of having or not having the vaccine--its a question of one's biological and social fitness. The street cred of an epidemic pales in comparison to that of a pandemic. I'm not worried.

Nonetheless, all the flu-steria monopolizing the news has me slightly interested. I have delved a bit deeper into the subject and have uncovered a few disturbing facts. Take it away, Fox News:

"While the flu actually comes from horses [and pigs]...."

I'm sorry, what? Ew. No. Pigs sure, but horses?  

"...ducks are actually the most common source of the virus. In fact, flu research centers keep on hand many thousands of samples of duck livers, hearts and other organs, as references for different strains of influenza."

You think you can trust some animals to just be cute and harmless, and the truth is you just CAN'T.

The same article also seems to be promoting something called the Elderberry. If an epidemic can be avoided by simply eating more of a glorified blueberry then I really just don't need to hear about it. As a species I think we're becoming soft.

Can you tell I'm really disappointed this most recent bout of the flu isn't more serious?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

6.2%

January 15th. 9:30 AM Eastern Standard Time. North Latitude 38.894231  West Longitude -77.023478. I'll always remember where I was when I first surveyed the damage of the great payroll tax cut expiration of 2013.

Taking deep breaths and currently floundering around my desk attempting to strategize how best to adapt my finances and play the new system. Spend less? K. Refinance my mortgage? Uh, currently renting, you don't know my life.

Glad to know more of my money will be funneled into poorly structured entitlements not scheduled to be there for my geriatric self whilst lawmakers work in steadfast fashion to increase our national debt by layering juicy pork throughout the Sandy Relief Bill. No better occasion than a natural disaster to push through unrelated/costly projects under the guise of relief.

Have a nice Tuesday!

Monday, January 14, 2013

American Legends: A Dominos Pizza Story

I ordered myself a pizza from Dominos last week (specifically, the fiery hawaiian pizza). I ate it alone. In my bed. With my cat. I committed more than half of the seven deadly sins that night. I got a MEDIUM because, let's be honest, a medium can be justified but a large pizza for one is indicative of a serious emotional void.

I've spoken with a few friends about Dominos and a clear consenus has emerged: at some point between high school and now Dominos really stepped up it's game. As far as I can tell, Dominos has all but completely dominated the lion's share of the "I'm too lazy to research local pizza places and I just want to build my pizza online, watch my chosen toppings fly onto aforementioned pizza (in real time) and have it delivered to me" market. That's a BIG market, people. I took my search to the streets (the internet) and, low and behold, a recipe change in 2009. Garlic crust, you are my spirit animal.

But this isn't so much about the pizza than it is about me ordering the pizza for myself. This is 2013 Allison and she loves pizza more than ever. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Diet Coke

I reserve Usher song dedications for only the most meaningful/painful breakups. So this one's for you, Diet Coke.


Although we were never FBO, my love for you was very public. I'm sure by now you realize you were the one BEFORE "the one", but I can hope you can be happy for me and my newfound relationship with Diet Pepsi.

New Year, New Me, New Love.