Solitaire

Lately my Facebook newsfeed has been inundated and clogged with the onset of "Which ____ from _____ are you?" Buzzfeed / Thought Catalogue tests. Aside from the "What is Your Inner Potato" quiz I haven't been able to get excited about any of them. I feel a sense of deep frustration.

The natural course of action was to devise my own personality analysis quiz. Something we can all relate to. And without further ado...

What does your go-to Solitaire Card Back say about you?

Seashell
You are bold to near-recklessness. You are a bad B and no one can touch you. You know when to keep it Times New Roman and when to get your Wingdings on. 

Robot
Your mom and dad decided you were playing too many war simulator games and took them away when you got a 'D' on the Of Mice and Men book report. This punishment included Minesweeper. Playing with the robot card was your way of sticking it to them. In short, you are anti-establishment. 

Hand of Aces
You are a Dad. Or a creep. 

Roses
You are ambitious and determined in your romantic pursuits. All you think about is relationships and true love and that INCLUDES the time you are playing solitaire. I think I hate you.

Clownfish or Palm Tree
Life's a beach and you're just playing in the sand.  You are a risk taker--willing to break the rules for the sake of a good time. As the life of the party, you are likely holding a margarita right now. 

Flowers/Flowers with a Filter
Gotta be honest and say it--you are boring as hell and possibly pretentious. You are no-nonsense and that's fine except you have no passion. Stop being so stiff.  If you opt for the latter then you saw the value in filters before any of the rest of us. For that I tip my cap to you and you may disregard the beginning part of this description. 

Haunted House
You are generally troubled. You have donned a dog collar as jewelry and you're not afraid to say so. You played Solitaire in the background as a cover for what you were REALLY doing on the the computer--trolling the chat room circuit. 

I hope this helped you get your daily dose of self-satisfaction / you know yourself better now. That's what these quizzes are for--right? By the way my inner potato is French Fries. 

American Legends: A Dominos Pizza Story

I ordered myself a pizza from Dominos last week (specifically, the fiery hawaiian pizza). I ate it alone. In my bed. With my cat. I committed more than half of the seven deadly sins that night. I got a MEDIUM because, let's be honest, a medium can be justified but a large pizza for one is indicative of a serious emotional void.

I've spoken with a few friends about Dominos and a clear consenus has emerged: at some point between high school and now Dominos really stepped up it's game. As far as I can tell, Dominos has all but completely dominated the lion's share of the "I'm too lazy to research local pizza places and I just want to build my pizza online, watch my chosen toppings fly onto aforementioned pizza (in real time) and have it delivered to me" market. That's a BIG market, people. I took my search to the streets (the internet) and, low and behold, a recipe change in 2009. Garlic crust, you are my spirit animal.

But this isn't so much about the pizza than it is about me ordering the pizza for myself. This is 2013 Allison and she loves pizza more than ever. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Identity Crisis

Real Talk: I think it's time to update my blog's headline. 

Am I more of a Nicki Minaj than a Ke$ha?

I'm rethinking my life and my choices, but the Pitbull portion is not up for debate.

What's In A Name?

A lot, IMO.

At 11:30 PM on June 4, 2012 #MyNameWasSupposedToBe was trending on twitter in Washington. Legend has it that one of the names on the short-list of possible names for me was "Roxanne."

...I know, I know. Honestly what I think happened was my mom didn't get weird food cravings, but rather weird name cravings. I can't think of one single other reasonable way to describe her near lack of judgement. I get that hormones make you do crazy things, but 'Roxanne' would have been cruel. I mean, being the rockstar that I am, I naturally would have been able to rock 'Roxanne' (no pun), but it would have been unfair and I would have faced adversity my whole life. 'Allison' is about average. Not excessively common, but not abstract. Just normal. It suits me well. My sister used to try and tell me that I was named after Allison Transmission, and even if that were true I'd prefer that over Roxanne.

Allison didn't make the Top 40 Baby Names of 2012, but 'Zoey' did. Sometimes I don't get you people. Zoey? Isabella? Jacob? Just how many people are naming their kids after Twilight characters/Disney channel stars? Number 1 for boys is MASON?! As in Kourtney Karshdashian's baby with the angry eyebrows??  Is someone going to have to name their kid iCarly before we start saying parents are going too far?

And what is really good with hipster names? I love this article. "Why do parents who are making such efforts to move ahead of the crowd end up simply jumping off a groovier bridge?" These are the questions... 

It's a little different for animals, I know, but nonetheless I have been agonizing over the name of my future kitten (ETA June 20)! The pressure isn't particularly crippling because it's not even a question of whether or not kitty and I are going to be ride or die, but I would still feel bad giving it a weird name regardless of the fact that the love between us will be unconditional. I'm going with 'Oliver' for a boy (which I'm hoping for), or 'Ollie' when it's just the two of us running around the apartment and jumping on the bed. Oliver made it onto the top (human) baby names list linked above, but as far as I'm concerned Oliver is only appropriate for orphans and kittens.

It seems that people aren't always as cautious as me in naming living beings. I met a woman and her puppy in an elevator sometime last month. She was be-floppy hatted, but otherwise she seemed ordinary. The dog started licking my hand as an introduction and then she announced, "This is Justice...Justice Dandelion" (verbatim).

Whoa, excuse me? Stop right there. I almost called PETA immediately because this is obviously a form of animal cruelty. Justice Dandelion? Why? JD is going to have his ass HANDED to him at the dog park, and it is completely this woman's fault.

Granting a name to another living being is a sacred opportunity. To some degree you control someone else's identity. Let's be serious--anyone that names their kid Allison but uses "Y" instead of "I" or the dreaded single "L" is setting their daughter up for imminent failure. The poor girl could never feel complete, and who wants to live that way?

ESFP

ESFP

God, I feel exposed.

Two colleagues and myself were subjected to a 3 hour meeting discussing the results of our Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tests. After a series of 100 questions that essentially asked me "Do you like schedules?" and "Do you talk to people at parties?" in 100 different ways...the MBTI determined that I exhibit the following four qualities in life--and specifically the workplace:

E- Extrovert

S - Sensing

F - Feeling

P - Perceiving

Good news first: It was no surprise to find out that my celebrity personality-dopplegangers include Britney Spears (obvi pre-shaved head, child-bearing, washed up 'Circus' Britney), Cameron Diaz, Rachel Blison, Pamela Anderson and most importantly KIM KARDASHIAN. But really. One of the main things that my identity packet kept telling me was that I "live in the moment" and "look for immediate satisfaction." It is from this that I must conclude that the MBTI test is full of lies--that assumption of me could not be more untrue. I suffer from something I have coined "stress-phoria." I become stressed over things that are supposed to make me happy. My condition definitely stops me from living in the moment as often as I like. I'm not sure if stress-phoria is included in the latest edition of the DSM-IV, but it is as real as you and I.

We were shown the picture below and asked to talk about it:

I wanted to see paradise--I really did, but all I could think about were the scary ocean animals just waiting to drag me to my watery grave--sharks, manowars, and the like. I can't do anything without somehow getting at least a little stressed about it..

"Wow, this Adele song is great. Oh my God--am I relating to it too much?? Am I going through a break-up without even knowing it??"

 

"I just bought new sneakers!....but what if I can't  find time to fit in a long run TODAY...?"

See what I mean? It's hard to allow myself to just let go. Upon being asked what I would do with $5000 CASH and a free 7 night trip to anywhere, I immediately got my happy chest pains about how in the world I would find the time to plan my fake vacation and whether or not my travel companion would be into my ideas. It was pretty sad.

There were some truths to be found in my MTBI test results. As a 'P' I apparently, "tend to be flexible and adaptable and to keep your options open as long as possible." Okay, I can dig that--especially because the other option 'J' is for "Judging." I'm not into judgers, although I do invest heavily into researching the possibility of using energy from judgemental haters as a viable alternative fuel source for the future. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

As a "practical" person within the "Sensing" subset of characteristics (have I lost you yet?)

I am, "impatient listening to ideas if a practical use is not the end result." True. Ideas and theories mean very little to me. Actions and experiences, on the other hand, tug at my heart strings a little more. I need facts to stay comfortably grounded, and I like to stay in touch with the commonsense aspects of any situation. I find this to be especially applicable in conversations concerning foreign aid, green technology, and other whimsicalities.

Conclusion: I am an immensely complicated person and I find it insulting that I was subjected to a three hour discussion about my personality. That being said, the comparison with Rachel Bilson and the free bagel were nice touches.

Looking forward to Parts II and III...