Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Full disclosure: I was a serious FarmVille Farmer during college. My nights normally played out as follows: Go out; come home; harvest my crops; plant some strawberries to harvest in the morning (they only took two hours to ripen) and go to bed ready for another day of tending to my hoe. I was meticulous and purposeful with my produce--and I saw the benefits quickly. After a certain amount of achievements I was awarded access to crops of higher pay off and economy. I saved enough FarmVille profits to buy the best benches and the most handsome, blue ribbon-worthy livestock so all my FarmVille friends passing through could see/be jealous of my spoils. A proverbial Garden of Eden, if I may. 

Then life got in the way. It was time to head to the big city. 

But like all things you truly love--you eventually find your way home. I recently reinstated FarmVille on my Facebook and went back to my roots. And this was my greeting:

I don't know who Marie is--but I think she might be my manager. She made sure I came home to a heroes welcome with my name on the virtual agriculture marquee. I feel ready to "take the reins" back on my affairs. On my farm I am adored. 

FarmVille, and indeed probably all Zynga games, has a lot of naysayers. If you care to see ignorance at its finest you needn't look any further than Urban Dictionary's 'definition' ascribed to the game:

"...While the rest of the people in the world, who deserve to live, are out living their lives continue to procreate, all of the inept addicts who are busy locked up by their computers playing farmfuck will slowly make the world a better place, right before they get to harvest that last goddamn crop, by dying."

--Anonymous Urban Dictionary Commenter (read as: Hater)

This is one of the most hateful/grammatically confusing things I have ever encountered. I will never apologize or feel embarrassed for being a successful farmer. Everything I have achieved--and WILL achieve, I have done without the help of the haters or government subsidies. And for the record I don't think the world is a better place if this person plans to or has already successfully procreated.

Is it so wrong to wish for fanfare every time you enter a room? Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. That's how I feel about my Farmville Farm. Whether you're a believer or not, feel free to come 'round the Old Gilchrist Farm anytime you wish. I will be waiting for you. 

6.2%

January 15th. 9:30 AM Eastern Standard Time. North Latitude 38.894231  West Longitude -77.023478. I'll always remember where I was when I first surveyed the damage of the great payroll tax cut expiration of 2013.

Taking deep breaths and currently floundering around my desk attempting to strategize how best to adapt my finances and play the new system. Spend less? K. Refinance my mortgage? Uh, currently renting, you don't know my life.

Glad to know more of my money will be funneled into poorly structured entitlements not scheduled to be there for my geriatric self whilst lawmakers work in steadfast fashion to increase our national debt by layering juicy pork throughout the Sandy Relief Bill. No better occasion than a natural disaster to push through unrelated/costly projects under the guise of relief.

Have a nice Tuesday!

Marketing

I'm either very emotional or I'm everyone's target market. Or could I be both?

I have always felt disproportionately affected by commercials and ad campaigns that manipulate viewers' heart strings to make them (me!) think that they (I!) have a MORAL obligation to give/spend money. No ad/campaign was more effective in this regard than the notorious BC SPCA campaign that ultilized Sarah McLachlin's 'Arms of an Angel' song to rip my fucking heart out, throw it on the ground curb stomp it and force me to take in every single stray animal that I could find. Granted, this probably influenced my family's reasons to take in all stray cats, including my BFFL, Crusty, which is a good thing. Still, not all the glitters is gold.

I've sobered up a bit in my older age, and by that I mean I can successfully watch an animal cruelty commercial without necessarily leaving my home to go 'trolling for strays. But now it seems that I'm now more affected by the notion of sentimentality. Perhaps Don Draper said it best in this scene where he pitches to the camera company. The best marketing is when you convince the consumer that they can have a, "deep[er] bond with the product, nostalgia...it's delicate, but potent."

But why does the Samsung Galaxy Note Commercial feat. Lebron give me chills...? I mean, I'm happy the King finally has his ring and all--but Jesus. And can Dell just QUIT IT with the 'Meet Billy: The Boy Who Captured the Stars' ad??? Why am I considering going back to PC life? And WHY is the instrumental, iPhone 4s inspired version of Fun's 'We Are Young' the principal reason why I haven't?

This is a plea to everyone I know in marketing, advertising or product management. Please, please, please stop making me cry and buy my feelings.

The Market

In my high school it was common to refer to someone else's popularity as "stock." The social stock market was all-knowing and extremely volatile. Depreciation-worthy offenses included (but were certainly not limited to) joining after-school clubs that weren't sports, leaving the country for an extended period of time, or simply getting on the wrong side of the alpha male. Once he said your stock was down, the market reacted and it was hard to sway public opinion of the stability of your stock. Conversely, getting a perfect score on your SAT's, having good parties, or knowing someone over 21 to acquire alcohol beverages were examples of reasons why one's stock could suddenly shoot up in value. If you didn't catch my tone already--I didn't like this system. It was normally used in jest, but still, it's very Mean Girls-esque (not that I don't LOVE Mean Girls).

I decided it would be interesting to apply the social market principles and norms to global events/trends. Read on for my thoughts on the value of certain social stocks today:


OWS -Devalued. Way devalued. The "movement" not only lacks a clear, agreed-upon mission, but the Occupiers also terrorize free Starbucks bathrooms everywhere. If they haven't been already, OWS camps will be bull-dozed soon enough. No one should invest anymore time/attention to these people.

Swine Flu - Bankrupt. No one gets swine flu anymore.

Blackberries for personal use - Plummeting, absolutely plummeting. Sell immediately, cut your losses. The Blackberry was, at one point, the cream of the smart phone crop. Blackberries joined breathing, food, water, and homeostasis as one of the primary necessities listed at the base of the Hierarchy of Human Needs pyramid. The features were divine. We all knew that BBMing was just way better than normal texting. Actually, I stopped texting people if they didn't have BBM. Actually, I stopped being friends with people who didn't have BBM. Brick Breaker was cutting edge, but now we have Angry Birds. The sole reason why the Blackberry stock has any value anymore is because companies usually issue them for remote email access, and that's a huge turn-off for me.

Caring about Uganda - SELL! SELL! SELL! Good for you for having the foresight to care about Uganda, you obviously bought low and now you get to sell high. You could even donate your profits to non-profits by texting "Haiti" to 080808. Or not--that's also an option. If you don't have shares of this stock, you need to buy immediately. If you don't, you are not only going to be excluded from the flash mob on your local college campus, but you will also be labeled heartless, ignorant, and probably a Republican. Can you imagine?

Actually taking the time to read about Africa beyond Kony2012 - Penny stock. The eventual payouts could  be worthwhile, but that is dependent upon a lot more people developing a lasting interest in the welfare of Africa. The sad thing is that I'm not very optimistic about that at all. 

Update: lol @ Kony2012 now. Masturbating in public? I couldn't have wished for a better way for the demagoguery to be tarnished.

Threatening to leave the country if a GOP candidate wins the White House - Way up. The best thing you can do is sell and use the money to actually leave the country. It's more than likely that nobody would miss you, but it is very probable that you'd miss us. 

Napster - Bankrupt :( God I loved Napster, RIP.

Mario Kart - If you're a guy, you've probably moved beyond Kart. If you're a girl, however, it's absolutely mandatory that you swear to all of your guy friends that you are awesome at Mario Kart. Sell or buy accordingly.  

I hope I've been able to properly inform people about what is tweet/facebook status worthy. You're welcome.