Parfait Party

Nary a day goes by without someone stopping me in my tracks to ask the following question:

"Hey Allison, would love to know how you grew up to be so tall and not a total embarrassment at fancy restaurants. What exactly is your secret?"

Normally I'm of the belief that people have no business intruding on my culinary affairs, but as a post Fourth of July Weekend (RIP) present to everyone I am finally going to do an E! True Hollywood style post debunking one of my greater discoveries--the Allison Parfait: 

Ingredients and Directions:

1 coffee mug Trix Cereal (of the Wild Berry Red Swirl variety)

1 small container Chobani lime greek yogurt

1 sliced banana

Mix all ingredients, garnish with extra Trix berries and voila! Decadence. 

The Allison Parfait is absolutely delicious, requires no appliances whatsoever, and is relatively cost-effective. Best served in a Target cereal bowl. Points if it is the only bowl (of any size) you own.

(Suggested Wine Pairing: Franzia)

This post is in memoriam of Paula Deen's once storied career in food preparation lacking any semblance of nutritional value. Had she not faced retroactive crucifixion, she probably would have featured this dish on the Food Network in the coming days.

Girl Scout Cookie Madness

Last year's March Madness bracket was a disaster. There is no denying it. So this year I decided to fill out my own kind of bracket. One allowing me to really blossom:

By default the first round of the Girl Scout Cookie Madness tournament was an Elite Eight competition--and I have to say--it was fierce. All Girl Scout Cookies are winners in their own ways (except for Do-si-dos). Seriously, does anyone out there feel passionately about Do-si-dos?

Tourament Highlights

Tournament Winner: Tagalongs. Tagalongs have a long and proud history of being one of the league's premiere clubs, and to no surprise they really brought the heat in 2013. They are peanut buttery. They are delicious. They are patty-ful. They are amazing in DQ Blizzard form. What more can one ask for? Champion of all champions.

Biggest Sleeper: Savannah Smiles. The Smiles are a relatively new program with a budget notably smaller than that of the more storied squads--Thin Mints, for example. Best served with tea during a midafternoon work slump, these cookies fought the good fight all the way to the finals. The Smiles left nothing to be desired on the court.

Overrated: Samoas. I find Samoas are CONSISTENTLY overrated. Additionally, I've heard whisperings of a potentially permanent name change to 'Caramel deLites'. Really? Whatever happened to predictability? Samoas are nothing more than a strange half-crunchy cohering mass of caramel, coconut and chocolate. Team Samoa has great branding, but a true bracketologist like myself sees through the fluff.

Though the bracket doesn't show it, the Thank U Berry Much was an underdog worth keeping an eye on in the first round. Being able to compete in a league where chocolate-based cookies reign supreme is a victory in and of itself. Well done.

See you all in 2014!

Newest VIP Member of the Cult of Domesticity

Two of my roomies from yester-summers are serious foodies (Hi, guys). The instagrams of their culinary creations are breathtaking. Truly inspiring. So naturally, when one of them asked me to blog about my contribution to the Superbowl Party I attended yesterday, how could I ignore it? If Tim Gunn were to tell you he was interested in knowing more about the process behind your fashion choices, wouldn't you oblige? It's called a "breakout moment."

This past weekend I decided to go beyond the call of snack duty and really try to make a truly delicious and memorable finger food. Despite my best intentions to produce something incredible I knew the competition for Queen of Domesticity at this particular Superbowl Party was going to be fierce. Football shaped pizzas and football cake calls were present--and they were amazing. Observe:

To help me on my quest, one of my #1 ladies at work gave me this recipe, and I'm convinced it has changed the way I will approach BYOS parties from this day forward:

Mac and Cheese Poppers

You will need:
Most of a Box of Elbow Macaroni
Most of a Bag of Sharp Cheddar Cheese (2% milk)
Most of a Bag of Mozzarella Cheese (Part Skim)
1 Cup Italian Bread Crumbs
1/4 Cup Skim Milk
2 Tablespoons Butter
2 Eggs (or just 1 egg if you get one of those alien eggs with two yolks...)

Pre-heat oven to 425F. Or whatever. Stir everything into a bowl except the macaroni. Then add the cooked macaroni to the mixture and scoop it into a greased cupcake tray. Fill the spaces generously because ain't nothin in this recipe gonna make it rise. Cook those b's for 22 minutes. Let cool for 10 mins for proper congelation. Eat those b's. Humble Brag.

Viola.

Having this recipe on a hand will undoubtedly prove to be a necessary coping mechanism to deal with me not winning a free Papa John's pizza coupon from the coin toss promotion.

American Legends: A Dominos Pizza Story

I ordered myself a pizza from Dominos last week (specifically, the fiery hawaiian pizza). I ate it alone. In my bed. With my cat. I committed more than half of the seven deadly sins that night. I got a MEDIUM because, let's be honest, a medium can be justified but a large pizza for one is indicative of a serious emotional void.

I've spoken with a few friends about Dominos and a clear consenus has emerged: at some point between high school and now Dominos really stepped up it's game. As far as I can tell, Dominos has all but completely dominated the lion's share of the "I'm too lazy to research local pizza places and I just want to build my pizza online, watch my chosen toppings fly onto aforementioned pizza (in real time) and have it delivered to me" market. That's a BIG market, people. I took my search to the streets (the internet) and, low and behold, a recipe change in 2009. Garlic crust, you are my spirit animal.

But this isn't so much about the pizza than it is about me ordering the pizza for myself. This is 2013 Allison and she loves pizza more than ever. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Stacks on Stacks on Snax

I read a Huffington Post article titled Bon Appetit: Snacks from the '90s We Love and Miss and I just have a few comments...

Surge Soda
How are you going to mention Surge and NOT discuss the fact that everybody thought it was a sperm killer? Rumor or not, that was a very integral part of Surge's shelf-life as a Coke product, and a disgrace to the marketing team that must have spent MANY sleepless nights thinking of ways to convince the middle school population that their ability to produce off-spring wouldn't be affected by this Mountain Dew knock-off. Huge oversight, imo.

Doritos 3D
Couldn't agree more with HuffPo on this one. I hated 3D Doritos. I'm in a distinct camp of people that believe Doritos have been on the down-swing since the '90s--a phenonomen I detail in greater length here. The introduction of 3DD to the chip market was a blow to the Dorito legacy.

Air Heads
Can anyone, anywhere, tell me what White Mystery was? SOS.

Oreo O's
This one goes out to the one, the only, Sheila Gilchrist. The final arbiter of all things Oreo (be it Cakesters, Golden, or DoubleStuf variety) in the Gilchrist household. Loved that shit like crack. Glad this cereal is getting a well-deserved spot in the mainstream media.

War Heads
This candy did not make the list and I'm baffled. Where I come from, War Heads weren't just candy--they served as currency. Lemon was the equivalent of the penny, whereas getting a Blackberry was akin to having crisp Benjamin in your wallet. Social mobility was quite fluid in a society where wealth came in the form of War Heads. You could go from rags to riches in no time, so long as your mom bought the 500 piece bag. Anyone could be Elementary Royalty. Who doesn't miss that?

Oh, and HuffPo, you forgot Ring Pops.

Doritos

Let's talk tradition. Let's talk Doritos.

Nacho Cheese Doritos fall right in line with the NFL and the stars and stripes as icons that characterize our great nation. Watching the fireworks on 4th of July and seeing a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos at another kids' birthday party are the only two occassions from my childhood that I specifically remember moving me to tears. Actually my favorite snack was definitely Cheetos (puffy...let's be serious) but Chester Cheeto went from being relatable to being a predator very quickly. But I digress..

Doritos. Last time I checked there were 2 flavors: Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch. Today at the grocery store I realized that I was so, so wrong.

According to the very reliable "Now That's Nifty" blog, there are, or have been, 102 different flavors of Doritos at least. For all we know there are 5-6 undocumented species of Doritos hidden deep within some North Korean province.

Why must there be so many flavors? How is anyone supposed to keep up? I just don't see how they could be dramatically different. What exactly distinguishes the "Original Taco" flavoring from the "Rock Taco" and "Tacos at Midnight" flavorings? Am I missing something?

What happened to my beloved, recognizable red and blue bags? After reviewing the 102 types my conclusion is this: the Mexicans and the Asians have completely overtaken innovative flavor operations for Doritos. It's so, so clear. Just LOOK at that list: Seaweed, Sesame Chicken, Quiejo Nacho, Queso Grande, Mr. Dragon's Fire Chips. Those are NOT the product of OUR creative minds. First our manufacturing jobs and now this? We are truly a devolving society.

For the first time I truly feel as though I'm aging. This is how my grandpa must have felt when he got a computer in his house. I imagine he felt like he couldn't keep up with the world, and now I feel the same way. I need to lay down.

Q. Co.

Less than one year in the workforce and I think I'm ready to retire. I actually really enjoy my job and the people I work with, but there just comes a point in one's life when settling down into a state of perpetual relaxation is the natural next step. It's my time.

I've been devoting substantial amounts of my time to reviewing my post-retirement options. Right now the plan is that immediately following my retirement party at Cafe Citron in DC I'm going to cut the ribbon to the construction site that will eventually host my new restaurant: 

The Quesadilla Co.

You probably think that Quesadilla Co. is going to be similar to the Cheesecake Factory in that the menu will expand far beyond cheesecake, but you're wrong. It's really going to be mostly quesadillas.

The menu is obviously going to feature an "About Me" that will detail the trials and triumphs of my life as a chef. 

It all started when my mom bought me a George Foreman when I was 19. That was the same year I found myself in a committed relationship with Morningstar products. About a year following its faithful service I dropped George on the floor and it died on impact. After a proper mourning period, I took a leap of faith and bought my quesadilla maker:

This same quesadilla maker is still the only appliance I own/need. Who would have known that such I'd gain such a meaningful friend as a result of the death of my beloved George. Fate is funny like that. At the tender age of 21, I learned to boil water and make pasta. The rest is history.

As for the actual menu content, it will only consist of food that I enjoy. It has recently come to my attention that I'm a bit of a picky eater, but I think the world will start to see things my way after they pay a visit to Q. Co. 

As a recovering vegetarian I've been exploring meat-ish options to be included in my semi-daily diet, and as a result there will be meat options for the carnivorous palate available at Q. Co:

Kickin' Chicken Quesadillas 
Chicken, cheese, and a boatload of guac. 

Chalupas
During high school one of my besties, who shall remain nameless (Jessica...) averaged 1.5 Taco Bell chalupas a day and drank a gallon of fire sauce per week. It was incredible and inspiring. I have to include them on the menu. 

But most options will be meatless:

Plain Cheerios
Strictly plain cheerios in skim milk. Any patron that requests Cheerios of the honeynut, apple, or team variety is subject to immediate ejection without refund. It's all completely detailed in the customer contract that patrons sign upon entry. 

Yogurt with Granola
Key Lime Whipped Yogurt with Oat and Honey bars with sour patch watermelon garnish. Tart meets sweet in ways that you couldn't dream of yourself.

Jumbo Slice
Inspired by Adam's Morgan late-night Pizza in DC. This dish features cascading cheese and about 8-10 cups of grease. It is the only item served on paper plates, and it requires two because one simply isn't large enough.

Poptarts
Who doesn't love breakfast for dinner? Strawberry or Cherry tarts garnished with frosting and rainbow or red sprinkles. Toasted to perfection. Suggested fruit snack accompaniment: Gushers. 

Cap'n Crunch Bread Pudding

I cannot take credit for this dish. The Cap'n Crunch bread pudding has been narrowly acclaimed (aka, just by me) to be the greatest dessert on Earth. My heart recognized it before my head did, and after a few hours I realized I had read about it in the Bible. It was served at the Last Supper.

The bread pudding is accompanied by a scoop of raspberry sorbet playing the part of the crunch berry, and the two main items are connected by a pirouette cookie made of peanut butter crunch.

For decor I've opted to model the overall ambiance off of the Mars 2112 restaurant in NYC. I really admired the designer's ability to combine culinary excellence with science:

It goes without saying that Pitbull and Ke$ha will dominate the smooth/sultry rhythms filling the air at Q. Co., but Rihanna, Weezy, and Yung Joc will be given weekly air time on a rotating basis. Hanson's "Snowed In" album will be strictly played on loop between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. 

I'll keep everyone posted about opening night @ Q. Co. No shot getting a reservation within the two years of the doors opening.