2013: Resolved

The Daily Beast published an article detailing why New Year's Resolutions Fail. The article did a great job discouraging me, but I will move forward with establishing my ressies anyway. And I'm putting them on the internet to create some sort of accountability for myself. Not that I care about what you think anyway.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2013 (hereinafter Resolutions) include the following:

- Read at least four full-length fiction books. For pleasure/personal fulfillment--with the goal of learning absolutely nothing (any personal discovery does not constitute a violation of this resolution). 4 per year averages out to one per season--seems legit;

- Go home to New Jersey for (at least) one weekend completely dedicated to volunteering for the restore the shore effort;

- Learn to cook something other than oatmeal and cereal. However I am not cutting Trix cereal out of my life. I'm no sadist;

- Finish 2 marathons and/or half-marathons. Already signed up for one (hi FBD)--so I'm halfway done with this resolution. Don't care if it's cheating. See you never;

- Call people for no reason other than to just talk. Sans agenda. This is a hard one for me. I love texting. I love g-chatting. I love Facebook poking. It's a problem;

- Travel to somewhere I haven't already been. I went to London last month and I am already reinfected with the travel bug. Doesn't need to be abroad. I don't believe Mt. Rushmore is real so I'd be into a trip to South Dakota...or a place in which I could see a jack rabbit (don't believe those are real, either); 

- Gangnam style for an audience of greater than 30 people and receive a standing ovation;

- Reduce my daily caffeine intake. Right now I average about 8-10 caffeinated beverages per day. This resolution is an attempt to lengthen my lifespan--which I estimate to be about 55 years if I continue on the path I currently tread;

Am I overzealous? Whatever. Here's hoping I find some discipline in 2013. 

Happy New Year :) 

Allison's Favorite Things

For the record IDGAF about your favorite things, Oprah, but I still took a peek at your 2012 selections because I hate you. I tend to keep a close eye on the people I hate.

Coach Puffers. FUCKING EW, O. May as well pair your ugly Coach Puffer with some chunky black Steve Madden shoes and go to your middle school band concert because I can't think of one other place where you'd fit in.

Microsoft Surface Tablet. Yeah? You love it so much that you tweeted about the product from your iPad? You're so fake--spare us.

I see you have not one but two Macy's Hotel Collection items (bed set, towels) on your list of favorite things. Anything for your sponsors, huh? No shot you sleep with sheets that are only 600 thread count. 

And finally--Nobody is interested in your favorite jellies. So nasty. Use with Cornish hens? Who are you? Bye.

To you I simply say: Move Bitch and make way for Allison's flyest (albeit random) things for America:

Ciroc : "The Art of Celebration"

Whatever Aaron Paul toasts with is what America needs to be unanimously toasting with, asap.

Mad Men Fashion

We all need to reevaluate our lives and our choices, using Christina Hendricks' ensembles as a guiding spirit. Further detailed in an earlier post from this year.

Nike Frees

Do you just want to wake up at the crack of dawn, JUMP out of bed and haul it out the door for a run without even stopping to brush your teeth? Buy them. Not in the hot pink/black/blue combo though....don't rip my style.

Chicken Quesadillas (with EXTRA special sauce)

Taco Bell is delicious and everyone who pretends otherwise is a bonafide hater.

Bruno Mars 'Locked Out of Heaven'

Being the benevolent and righteous girl that I am, I've forgiven Bruno for his 'Lazy Song' atrocity. The Police and Michael Jackson undertones present in this song just work. 

May the new year bring you all good fortune and an increased presence of my flyest things.

Dear Google

An open letter to Google:

Querido Google,

First of all let me just say that I'm really big into the Google Doodles thing--and I was especially fond of your Oct. 27 choice to commemorate the Sugar Loaf Cable Car's 100th birthday. So cute, so cultured. I digress...

Google, have you ever felt alone, defenseless and scared? Those feelings only begin to describe how I feel when my GMail crashes, and sometimes I feel as though you purposely shut down Gmail/GChat capabilities just to remind us who run the world. It's not nice. Have you no sense of corporate social responsibility?

On Monday, the date of the most recent large-scale GMail outage, you KNEW those of us in the working world were facing a tough week. With the impending Mayan World Expiration Date approaching, many were grappling with the idea that perhaps nothing (id est: deadlines) matters anymore. Then, more than ever, we needed to be able to GChat our friends/loved ones to discuss the way forward in the event of an apocalypse. 

Nobody buys into your 'routine update gone wrong' explanation. We know what you're doing, and if you keep doing this we may all switch to Bing. Just kidding.


Love you, mean it,

Allison

Marketing

I'm either very emotional or I'm everyone's target market. Or could I be both?

I have always felt disproportionately affected by commercials and ad campaigns that manipulate viewers' heart strings to make them (me!) think that they (I!) have a MORAL obligation to give/spend money. No ad/campaign was more effective in this regard than the notorious BC SPCA campaign that ultilized Sarah McLachlin's 'Arms of an Angel' song to rip my fucking heart out, throw it on the ground curb stomp it and force me to take in every single stray animal that I could find. Granted, this probably influenced my family's reasons to take in all stray cats, including my BFFL, Crusty, which is a good thing. Still, not all the glitters is gold.

I've sobered up a bit in my older age, and by that I mean I can successfully watch an animal cruelty commercial without necessarily leaving my home to go 'trolling for strays. But now it seems that I'm now more affected by the notion of sentimentality. Perhaps Don Draper said it best in this scene where he pitches to the camera company. The best marketing is when you convince the consumer that they can have a, "deep[er] bond with the product, nostalgia...it's delicate, but potent."

But why does the Samsung Galaxy Note Commercial feat. Lebron give me chills...? I mean, I'm happy the King finally has his ring and all--but Jesus. And can Dell just QUIT IT with the 'Meet Billy: The Boy Who Captured the Stars' ad??? Why am I considering going back to PC life? And WHY is the instrumental, iPhone 4s inspired version of Fun's 'We Are Young' the principal reason why I haven't?

This is a plea to everyone I know in marketing, advertising or product management. Please, please, please stop making me cry and buy my feelings.