Where Are They Now?

It is hard to escape the news in the age of Twitter (or 'Tweeter' as my mom endearing called it until I ghost-posted the material for the acclaimed @Donna_Gilchrist feed), customized Google readers and the integration of the '#' function on Facebook. Whether we like it or not we are constantly bombarded with mainstream information. Inevitably this means the 'trends' dominate our body of contemporaneous knowledge. Thanks, in no small part, to CNN's ceaseless coverage of MH370, all I know about the world right now is there's a missing plane and we can't find that shit. This is a highly embarrassing reality. Have you had enough of my news-related platitudes yet? Good, me too. 

My blog's guiding ethos has everything to do with the unknown unknowns. I want to expose you to information you didn't even know you needed. Is that Orwellian? Shut up. You're here now. Welcome aboard.

With this spirit in mind I present to you Where Are They Now?, a catch-up guide for everyone you need to be thinking about more often than you currently do. 

Herman Cain
Though it seems everyone except Tim Pawlenty had their turn as the trendy darling of the 2012 Republican Primary Race, Herm was far and away the most important. A business executive/former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, syndicated Tea Party-oriented columnist and champion of the famous '9-9-9' tax plan (which, as it turns out, was NOT a Domino's large pizza coupon--disappointing). Despite his impressive pedigree he suspended his race to the Oval Office following allegations of sexual misconduct. Ever since there's been virtual radio silence. 

But according to Pink News (not to be confused with P!nk News, which if I had to guess would just link directly to the pop star's Twitter feed), Herman Cain most recently made headlines when the editor-in-chief of his blog compared members of the LGBT community with the Borgs from Strek Trek. Granted, I haven't seen Star Trek--so the Borgs could be a perfectly nice cyborg collective. But I have to imagine this is not the case.

So I guess he's doing...not so great. However he is NOT misconducting himself sexually--let's stick to the facts here. 

Mischa Barton
I don't care where she is. I've hated her ever since my male high school peers expected all the girls to look like the girls galavanting the OC (which is, for those living under a rock, the REAL Orange County). I can only think of one girl who could psychically rival Barton and I don't even know where THAT girl is. Mischa died in a fictional car crash--let's keep her that way. 

Kesha
With a heavy heart I left out the iconic $ from her name because in the end we need to respect each other's identity choices. Despite my benevolence I have just one thing to say: WHY WOULD YOU THIS TO ME?

Kesha has recently emerged from rehab all coherent and reformed. Great. So Proud. But this was my own Minsky Moment. Can you even fathom the time, energy and adoration I invested into loving/promoting Kesha EXACTLY as she was? All the speculation of sainthood, all the market hype--it's GONE. I get that you had a problem that needed solving--but why the name change? I was going to write an entire post dedicated to the aftermath of $-gate, but ultimately decided against it. You HURT ME KES(?)A. 

Tom from Myspace
In your Top 8, by default. 

and by the way if I wasn't on your Top 8 then why are you even reading my blog? Just GO. 

Clay Aiken
I'm sure you all remember Clay--the runner-up from a star-studded second season of American Idol? Maybe you remember him losing to Ruben Studdard--the voice behind what the Rolling Stone has called the "Greatest Song of the Millenium" "Sorry for 2004" ? 

So am I the only one who wasn't aware that Clay Aiken is running for Congress? I have to say I'm rooting for Clay in what is sure to be an uphill battle for a House seat in a traditionally conservative North Carolina district. Can't get enough of a good underdog story--and honestly, he's had enough struggle in his life. I mean he came in SECOND PLACE on American Idol. He's 100% ready to lead the nation.

Aaliyah
Heaven. RIP.

Sporty Spice
How did I not notice she had and continues to have horrific teeth? I think that sums up her Where Are They Now? description. Somewhere still having awful teeth. 

Get invisalign, Girlfriend. 

I hope you feel adequately caught up on America's finest and brightest (except for Sporty Spice--she does not belong to us). I realize I've had quite the hiatus since my last post. I hope to not be away from my blog long enough for someone to write a catch-up post about MY life. If someone feels the need to go this route can you please refer to me as Alli$on? It's my only request.

Editor's Note: Ruben Studdard did not kill someone over a sandwich--despite reports saying otherwise. And by reports I mean my sister told me that and I didn't automatically dismiss the idea. 

2014 - Resolving to Forgo Resolutions

Why is the beginning of each year wrought with pressure to be better, faster and stronger (literally and figuratively) than the previous year's version of oneself? The tradition dates back to Ancient Babylonian ritual and we all know what happened to them, right? #Conquered.

Back to the modern day--is it any coincidence the first working week of January each year is scientifically horrible? Resolutions bring misery and hasten conclusions when perhaps some of our habits and stories aren't ready to end. That I feel a need to blog about this phenomenon is a testament to this undeniable force. 

Upon reflection I can confidently attribute my 2013 tribulations almost entirely to my inability to meet some impossible goals I set for myself. At this point all I want is to not make the same mistakes as I did last year, or the year before or the year BEFORE the year before. Does anyone else feel the same? Want some advice? Feeling Missundazstood? 

Take it from me--in perilous times like these I find it best to turn to P!nk for strength.

As one of mankind's only consistent, steadfast bad bitches P!nk should serve as an inspiration to us all. It is clear from her music that girlfriend don't care 'bout nothin' except being [the] boss--THAT is who I will be modeling myself after this year. There's no way a free spirit like P!nk would tie her life goals to a specific date just for the sake of affirmation--and I won't do it either. 

So Raise your Glass and Blow Me (One Last Kiss), 2013. I refuse to buckle under the pressure to change this year because really So What? I'm still a rockstar, etc. 

Open Letter to Post-Red Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

This week I noticed your 'Red' Album was finally fully available on Spotify (thanks I guess). I'll admit I made snap judgements about it before I even gave it a chance. So I listened to it completely through while at work yesterday--and this is what I feel:

Just STOP STOP STOP with the doe-eyed sadness/surprise when you do whatever it is you do to drive men away. Are you a stalker? Just curious. Doesn't matter.  I don't mean to send you mixed signals--I definitely still want you to have failed relationships, I just want you to be angrier about it. You need to be Carrie Underwood 'Before He Cheats' angry. What happened to the Taylor who put out Picture to Burn? I flove that song.

This is my advice to you, Taylor: The whole world knows that in the face of heartbreak there is really only one song we can all count on to encapsulate our emotions. It also doubles as a solid example of an instance in which the Glee version of a song is better than the original. From now on I need you to draw your inspiration from this:

"Bust Your Windows"

That's advice for the future. Back to what went wrong in 'Red'.

Songs I Really Hated/Made Me Feel Uncomfortable:

22

I Almost Do

Starlight 

Yet amid musical doom, there was light. My favorite song on the album is decidedly All Too Well. While I understand the albums are your personal medium for self-expression, I appreciate the music so much more when I bring it back to myself. And maybe that's what you want me to do. But ain't nobody got time for that. So I only had time to like this one song.

There you have it--a mildly positive review of your most recent album. But I swear to God, Taylor, if you EVER say anything negative about Tina Fey/Amy Poehler EVER AGAIN I will find you and end you.

Other than that, I'm here for you. Offer still stands to ghost-write your Burn Book.
Allison

Justin Timberlake: Back With A Vengeance

I woke up yesterday morning with butterflies in my stomach, feeling slightly feverish and a little anxious.

Was it because of Opening Day for Baseball (haha #yankees)?
Was it because I kept hearing about Kevin Ware's shin disaster during the Louisville game?

No. None of that. I knew yesterday was going to be the day I would finally have the opportunity to listen to Justin Timberlake's entire "20/20 Experience" album from start to finish. And so I did.

The album will undoubtedly have historical repercussions. The inaugural song, Pusher Love Girl, really brings new definition to the baby making music genre. Everyone else, step aside.

Listening to Justin Timberlake's music is the closest I've ever come to wanting a romantic yet tempestuous relationship with something non-human. Has Lovestoned/I Think She Knows finally met it's match? What about John Mayer's version of Free Falling? Can you believe there was a time when the thought of John Mayer, self-diagnosed bad boy, singing to me made me melt? I know, I know. I'm embarrassed too. But I'm a grown-ass woman now and I'm getting serious about JT.

Right now my feelings about Justin Timberlake are measuring up to be as strong as my feelings for Beyoncé. Welcome Back, JT, now please cuddle with me.

Misheard Lyrics

Buzzfeed published an article last month entitled 15 Classic Lines From Misunderstood Song Lyrics, and overall I have to say I am severely disappointed. The author managed to include one of my favorite misheard lyrics--Manfred Mann's "Blinded by the Light", but failed to take the mistake all the way to the finish line. Buzzfeed mentions that it sounds like "Wrapped Up Like a Douche", but then cuts off. Are you kidding? Clearly the remainder, and most important portion, of the misheard stanza is, "Another Boner in the Night." Don't believe me? Give it a listen here (:15-:24)

Disgraceful. In my family we had a very extensive list of songs we thought we knew the lyrics to, but definitely didn't. Below I outline a comprehensive list of oft-forgot but very prominent misheard lyrics:

Song: "I Wanna be Sedated" The Ramones
Misheard Lyric at :35-:38 --"20-20-20-4 hours ago-o-o-o-...I Want A Piece of Bacon..."

Song: "Higher Love"
Misheard Lyrics at :56-:58 -- "Bake Me a Pie of Love, Bake Me a Pie of Love..whoa oh."

Song: "Stayin' Alive" The Bee Gees
Misheard Lyrics at :32-:37 -- "Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother...Stay in a Line...Stay in a Line..."

(^^This particular misheard lyric was definitely a product of the neurosis injected into us all throughout during elementary school about what would happen if we didn't stay in a line on our way to an assembly.)

Song: "Bailamos" Enrique Iglesias
Misheard Lyrics at 1:08-1:13 -- "Te quiero, a burrito, Te quiero..."

Song: "Funkytown" Lipps Inc.  
Misheard Lyrics at :26-:31 --"Taco Party Taco Party Taco Party...."

Now, chronic non-believers may allege some of these might seem to be a stretch, which I can understand. But to these nay-sayers I proclaim there are OTHER instances in which I know for 100% fact I'm totally right about the lyrics.

Song: "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" Brenda Lee
Corrected Lyrics at :27-:31 "Later we'll have some fuckin' pie"

My sisters and I never asked about it--we all just assumed it was a "big girl" song that we'd be allowed to sing once we hit a certain age. Until that day came it was understood amongst the four of us that we needed to shift our volume from extreme forte to exaggerated piano to make sure we didn't drop the f bomb infront of our parents on our way to grandma's house.

Realization: With the exception of only one, which admittedly was not a misheard lyrics of my own creation, my sisters and I thought we were hearing food-related lyrics when we actually weren't...aka we were starving. All the time.

Destiny's Child

In light of the recent outcry over Beyoncé lip-syncing the Star Spangled Banner during the Obama Inauguration, I just wanted to remind you ingrates about what the queen has done (and can do) for you.

They say music is the most profound form of human expression. Can anybody out there name one life event/situation that cannot be most accurately described with a little less talk and a lot more Destiny's Child? Beyoncé and her crew have been there for us through it all.

I compiled a list of life's victories and struggles and subsequently placed the appropriate D. Child song written to help us get through and/or celebrate these times:

Courtship (of the 'Hard to Get Variety') : Bootylicious

First paycheck from big girl/boy job : Independent Women (Part I)

Break Ups : Survivor

Dealing with that friend that sneakily doesn't put in enough money at group dinners : Bills Bills Bills

Fridays (the expectation) : Jumpin', Jumpin'

Frenemies : Nasty Girl

Loss : Emotion

Society at War : Soldier

From middle school through present day I have been a devout follower of the spoken word and lyrical teachings of Destiny's Child and ipso facto Beyoncé. I know honesty is the best policy when speaking on religion and faith, so I will admit I've mostly fallen out of touch with Kelly and Michelle (was I ever in touch with Michelle? was anyone ever in touch with Michelle??). 

Regardless, neither of those 2 (or the 4th Child who shall remain nameless) spoke to my soul in quite the same way as Beyoncé has always been able to. When reacting to tribulations and triumphs alike I always asked myself WWBD--"What Would Beyoncé Do?" By way of consequence I have mostly managed to handle life's happenings with style, grace and just a sprinkle of booty-poppin'.

I'm not suggesting you go as far as to break ground on a new Beyoncé shrine in your closet--but all I'm saying is each night I kneel beside my bed and ask Beyoncé to watch over me and guide me during every stage of my decision-making processes; and I never make the wrong choices. 

Be grateful for what she's done for you; and more importantly what she will CONTINUE to do for you despite your gross lack of respect. Beyoncé loves us all even when we are too selfish/mortal to appreciate it.

Cristal Poppin' in the Stretch Navigator

"Now uh...I don't usually do this, but uh..."

This morning I woke up, scanned my twitter and learned that someone near and dear to me is celebrating a birthday today...

Happy 10th Birthday, Ignition (Remix)!

10 years. 10 fruitful, rewarding years. 10 years since we exercised poetic license in our AIM away messages  and used the remix lyrics to herald every coming (and likely Cristal-less) weekend. 10 years of runnin' our hands through our 'fros. From middle school to the office, Ignition (Remix) has been omnipresent. 

I don't care what anyone says about you or your fetishes, R. Kelly. Thank you for remixing 'Ignition' (because honestly the original just wasn't cutting it).

I become emotional on birthdays. Where does the time go?

Update: The people have spoken via the 'We the People' Whitehouse platform. As of this update--America only needs 98,864 more signature to replace the national anthem with Ignition (Remix). Onward in liberty, patriots!

Allison's Favorite Things

For the record IDGAF about your favorite things, Oprah, but I still took a peek at your 2012 selections because I hate you. I tend to keep a close eye on the people I hate.

Coach Puffers. FUCKING EW, O. May as well pair your ugly Coach Puffer with some chunky black Steve Madden shoes and go to your middle school band concert because I can't think of one other place where you'd fit in.

Microsoft Surface Tablet. Yeah? You love it so much that you tweeted about the product from your iPad? You're so fake--spare us.

I see you have not one but two Macy's Hotel Collection items (bed set, towels) on your list of favorite things. Anything for your sponsors, huh? No shot you sleep with sheets that are only 600 thread count. 

And finally--Nobody is interested in your favorite jellies. So nasty. Use with Cornish hens? Who are you? Bye.

To you I simply say: Move Bitch and make way for Allison's flyest (albeit random) things for America:

Ciroc : "The Art of Celebration"

Whatever Aaron Paul toasts with is what America needs to be unanimously toasting with, asap.

Mad Men Fashion

We all need to reevaluate our lives and our choices, using Christina Hendricks' ensembles as a guiding spirit. Further detailed in an earlier post from this year.

Nike Frees

Do you just want to wake up at the crack of dawn, JUMP out of bed and haul it out the door for a run without even stopping to brush your teeth? Buy them. Not in the hot pink/black/blue combo though....don't rip my style.

Chicken Quesadillas (with EXTRA special sauce)

Taco Bell is delicious and everyone who pretends otherwise is a bonafide hater.

Bruno Mars 'Locked Out of Heaven'

Being the benevolent and righteous girl that I am, I've forgiven Bruno for his 'Lazy Song' atrocity. The Police and Michael Jackson undertones present in this song just work. 

May the new year bring you all good fortune and an increased presence of my flyest things.

Taylor Swift's Burn Book

I have this feeling of impending doom. In the wake of Taylor Swift's recently dropped 'Red' album, I fear that she has reached the denouement of her failed relationships/angst. I just know one day I will wake up to learn of her forthcoming single, "Maybe Everything is Actually My Fault"...

Tay, please don't ever find inner peace by taking ownership of your failed relationships. A Taylor at peace may go to the way of an Alanis Morissette at peace. Nobody likes peaceful Alanis.

I want/need to foster her hate; which is why I've decided she should contract me to ghost-write her Burn Book. Although it can be argued her entire discography serves as a psuedo-Burn Book, she's going to need to get creative if she's going to continue violating artistic outlets to convince the public that she's still a vulnerable/innocent party in the pursuit of love. We've come to expect that Taylor's songs will be filled with romanticized portrayals of heartbreak, but we need a fresh perspective. I know I can properly pen how she really feels:

John Mayer

You're right. Dear John is completely about you, but that's what you get for hurting me AND MORE IMPORTANTLY what you get for hurting Jennifer Anniston. I'm still famous and you still have stupid hair.

Jake Gyllenhall

Made out with a hotdog. More than once.

Harry Styles

I don't hate you because you are the lead singer of One Direction, you are the lead singer of One Direction because I hate you.

Ellen Degeneres

#1 Frenemy. Ellen thinks she can just decree that I'm in a relationship with Zac Efron and that it automatically becomes true. What Ellen doesn't know is that everyone only pretends to like her. I'm only semi-cordial to her so I don't alienate the talk show community. I can't risk losing Oprah's blessing. For the record your sweater vests are offensive.

Connor Kennedy

I am not actually a virgin, and you are not actually attractive. Save for Ethel, I'm officially over the Kennedys. You will never be White House-ready, so I'm out. Romney's Sons 2012.

Give it a think, Taylor. I'm here for you.

Brass Machine

and I DON'T mean the Maynard Ferguson song. I'm talking about a real brass machine.

The DC Brass Connection is my most recent music obsession. Anyone who lives in DC has probably seen these little rock stars (and if you haven't, you should really look for them--they are SO great and adorable). It's a 7 piece brass ensemble that features 5 trombones, 1 sousaphone and 1 mellophone. I've seen these guys at Dupont a ton, and now I find myself making increasingly frequent pilgrimages up to hit the Urban Outfitters and Loft in Chinatown now because that's their new spot.

What I find so special about this particular group (and why I drain my pockets to their collection bin) is that the band is clearly all about the kids. It appears to be a very enriching experience for them--which in turn makes it all the more enriching for the audience. There's one adult in the mix, but he plays the drums--he basically just keeps time. The kids all take turns soloing while the rest keep the rhythym moving in the background. Putting yourself out there to solo is no small feat--and to do it WELL is exceptionally impressive. These kids know chords and keys in ways that I don't think I was ever capable of when I used to play. The smallest one (he honestly can't be more than 7 years old) matches his kicks to his green trombone, which I find so endearingly baller that I just want to put him in my pocket and carry him around with me. 

See?

This isn't your average kids'  recorder concert--these guys are GREAT. This is a video of the DC Brass Connection celebrating a big Caps win, and here's one of the group playing in Dupont. 

Music, and especially completely instrumental ensembles is something I hold near and dear to me. I played tenor saxophone in my high school's jazz band and it was a hoot. At a benefit concert for the fund honoring one of my closest friends, I got some of my old band mates back together to play a tune for her. Despite the fact that we were a little rusty, I have to say--music really does bring people together in ways that other forms of communication and collaboration just can't. It's one of my favorite memories--and to see a bunch of kids getting together to make music as often as this group does is really special. 

It really warms my heart every time I see the DC Brass Connection, and I just wanted to give them a shout. Rock on, little brass soldiers. I'm one of your biggest fans. 

Pandora

Today I had a falling out with my Pandora and it wasn't pretty.

Normally she (yes, I've personified my Pandora) seems to understand me better than anyone else, but today was a musical disaster. I really thought we had worked through our issues. Excuse me while I vent.


I don't have time to pay a ton of attention to her, so the beginning was a little rough. My go-to station at work is my 'Adele' creation. We had our fits and starts, but Pandora eventually learned that I like to have actual Adele songs at only interspersed intervals. I can't handle all of the heartache entrenched in her lyrics. I mean, all 'Make You Feel My Love' makes me feel is that I want to die.


I have spent months nurturing my work Pandora and so I REALLY didn't appreciate a live rendition of Beyoncé's 'If I Were a Boy'. I was aggravated, no horrified, that Pandora thought I would even consider giving this monstrosity the coveted thumbs up. Bey, you my girl, but this song is atrocious. Good thing you did a very magical rendition of the Etta James' "At Last" and that I'm still reeling from the loss of one of the great female vocalists of our time. I'm vulnerable.


'If I Were a Boy' was not my only issue with Pandora today. I felt as though she was out to get me. I can only imagine her Cheshire Cat smile when she selected One Direction 'What Makes You Beautiful' for my listening displeasure. 


Did I do something wrong? Here I thought Pandora and I were ride or die. You think you know someone...