Recap

It has been 79 days since my last post. That's almost two full Lents. I blame myself  work everyone except me. So thanks for nothing, everybody.

Because I've managed to go so long without posting anything I figured I may as well take the time to publicly announce my failures. What better way to accomplish this than to revisit my New Year's Resolutions for 2013 ? (lol RIP):

- Read at least four full-length fiction books. For pleasure/personal fulfillment--with the goal of learning absolutely nothing (any personal discovery does not constitute a violation of this resolution). 
Just who exactly did I think I was kidding with this one? I don't even have time properly tend to my eyebrows let alone read fiction for personal development. Does reading news about justifications to take military action in Syria count? Because at this point that feels like fiction;

- Go home to New Jersey for (at least) one weekend completely dedicated to volunteering for the restore the shore effort.
In my defense I've been on a very aggressive and strict brunch schedule so there just really hasn't been much room for charity;

- Learn to cook something other than oatmeal and cereal. However I am not cutting Trix cereal out of my life. I'm no sadist.
I haven't learned one thing all year about cooking. On a victorious note -- I definitely haven't cut Trix cereal out of my life. It remains an essential;

- Finish 2 marathons and/or half-marathons. 
I did just one, but now I have a jawbone that buzzes my wrist when I'm being lazy/don't run in the morning. Additionally, some days I even run/walk the equivalent of a half marathon (!!), so I get half credit at least;

- Call people for no reason other than to just talk. Sans agenda. 
This was a joke. I always have an agenda when I communicate and it consistently involves emojis. Meaningful human interaction is just not going to happen this year (or next);

- Travel to somewhere I haven't already been.
☑Check. I went to France in May even after losing my passport mere weeks before departure;

- Gangnam style for an audience of greater than 30 people and receive a standing ovation.
....;

- Reduce my daily caffeine intake.
I've actually increased it. I had my very first venti coffee last week and shit was supreme. Now that PSL season is upon us I don't expect to make many improvements in this category for the remainder of 2013.

Going to be more realistic in 2014, for sure. 

Parfait Party

Nary a day goes by without someone stopping me in my tracks to ask the following question:

"Hey Allison, would love to know how you grew up to be so tall and not a total embarrassment at fancy restaurants. What exactly is your secret?"

Normally I'm of the belief that people have no business intruding on my culinary affairs, but as a post Fourth of July Weekend (RIP) present to everyone I am finally going to do an E! True Hollywood style post debunking one of my greater discoveries--the Allison Parfait: 

Ingredients and Directions:

1 coffee mug Trix Cereal (of the Wild Berry Red Swirl variety)

1 small container Chobani lime greek yogurt

1 sliced banana

Mix all ingredients, garnish with extra Trix berries and voila! Decadence. 

The Allison Parfait is absolutely delicious, requires no appliances whatsoever, and is relatively cost-effective. Best served in a Target cereal bowl. Points if it is the only bowl (of any size) you own.

(Suggested Wine Pairing: Franzia)

This post is in memoriam of Paula Deen's once storied career in food preparation lacking any semblance of nutritional value. Had she not faced retroactive crucifixion, she probably would have featured this dish on the Food Network in the coming days.

North West-Kardashian

I thought the Kardashians had their hands in everything worth having hands in already: music; sports; TV; fashion; sex tapes (ew). 

But then Kim Kardashian had a baby. With Kanye West. And they used the opportunity to officially usurp one of the only cardinal truths the human race has: ordinal direction; and specifically, North West.

I've written on this topic already, but by way of recap I believe the naming of a child should be one of the most sacred responsibilities a parent has. You shouldn't just name your baby with only future brand potential in mind. I'd like to call it a careless mistake but I know Kimye better than anyone. Naming their girl North West was a carefully calculated decision based on definite wide-scale press coverage and projected merch sales. Vom. Is embryonic stress disorder a thing?

Leave it to the Kardashians to just keep getting more ridiculous. And leave it to me to continue watching their shows regardless of how I feel about their [morally regrettable] life choices. 

Also, I heard Kanye's recently dropped 'Yeezus' is forgettable. That's a discussion for another day.

Open Letter to Skechers

Dear Skechers,

Heard the good news. Buzzfeed informs me that you've brought back light-up shoes. 

I am so impressed by your movement away from the modest, sensible, and horribly blasé look of your footwear. Everyone knows children are better, faster, stronger when wearing shoes equipped with lasers. Marc Rosko, Vice-President of product development for Skechers Kids (and ipso facto certifiable creep) has purported the light-up shoes to be the cornerstone of a "renaissance period" for children's shoes. Couldn't agree more.

Before today I would have said I'd rather die than wear Skechers. Now I want you. I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Every day.

I realize this 'Twinkle Toes' line is primarily for children, but I'll just say I'm usually somewhere in the size range of 8 through 9. Just send me all three. 

Love to hate to love you,

Allison

Asylum House

This is the story...of two whistleblowers...on the run from Western governments...who agreed to have their lives in virtual exile taped...to find out what happens...when dissidents stop being polite...and start getting real.

ASYLUM HOUSE

Two Whistleblowers. One Embassy. Endless Drama.



If properly exploited, MTV could really reach new heights in the world of reality television. Teen Mom is getting a bit tired. Pregnant and Dating is good but predictable (it usually turns out that nobody wants to date pregnant people). The Kardashians have pretty much done it all at this point. Survivor is just....Survivor. Dance Moms is still great, but we need more than just one night a week of good television. Asylum House is inevitably the way forward in trash TV.

Julian Assange has already advised Edward Snowden via CNN to head for Latin America, which is all but a direct invitation to co-inhabit the Ecuadorean Embassy in London. The show would chronical the mutual struggle between the two of coping with loss of normalcy, life in the global limelight and the day-to-day struggles of living inside one house under constant threat for the foreseeable future. What happens beyond that is up to the cameras to capture. 

Expect Asylum House to begin pre-taping in the coming months and air during Spring 2014.

Open Letter to Post-Red Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

This week I noticed your 'Red' Album was finally fully available on Spotify (thanks I guess). I'll admit I made snap judgements about it before I even gave it a chance. So I listened to it completely through while at work yesterday--and this is what I feel:

Just STOP STOP STOP with the doe-eyed sadness/surprise when you do whatever it is you do to drive men away. Are you a stalker? Just curious. Doesn't matter.  I don't mean to send you mixed signals--I definitely still want you to have failed relationships, I just want you to be angrier about it. You need to be Carrie Underwood 'Before He Cheats' angry. What happened to the Taylor who put out Picture to Burn? I flove that song.

This is my advice to you, Taylor: The whole world knows that in the face of heartbreak there is really only one song we can all count on to encapsulate our emotions. It also doubles as a solid example of an instance in which the Glee version of a song is better than the original. From now on I need you to draw your inspiration from this:

"Bust Your Windows"

That's advice for the future. Back to what went wrong in 'Red'.

Songs I Really Hated/Made Me Feel Uncomfortable:

22

I Almost Do

Starlight 

Yet amid musical doom, there was light. My favorite song on the album is decidedly All Too Well. While I understand the albums are your personal medium for self-expression, I appreciate the music so much more when I bring it back to myself. And maybe that's what you want me to do. But ain't nobody got time for that. So I only had time to like this one song.

There you have it--a mildly positive review of your most recent album. But I swear to God, Taylor, if you EVER say anything negative about Tina Fey/Amy Poehler EVER AGAIN I will find you and end you.

Other than that, I'm here for you. Offer still stands to ghost-write your Burn Book.
Allison

La Vie Parisienne

Two weeks ago I was in Paris. Le sigh. Such a good time almost entirely on my company's dime. Sometimes being a grown-ass woman isn't so bad. 

My trip to Paris was my very first time visiting a country for which I have absolutely NO language skills. None. Oui? Oui. But that didn't stop me from making lots of new French friends. And by French friends I mean coworkers from various offices around the world that happened to be in France. Does that make them French? Anyway...

Really the main purpose of my trip was to attend a conference with my group and "network" (vom) with my team's global offices. Nothing I love more than breaking into working groups in which everyone pledges to do something better or to create protocols no one plans on implementing. But I'm not a hater. Send me to any country and I'm down to talk about whatever.

Professional take away messages most applicable to me? Hierarchy disappears on the dance floor. My sweet moves are what I bring to the proverbial table. I'm convinced that's my one true competitive advantage. In reality, after the hellish weeks we've been having at work as of late, my friends and I probably looked more like this:

But that's okay. I'm positive we looked great doing it. Golden Girl at stage left is doing my signature move--in case anyone was wondering.

Other than the conference:

I was the princess of Chantilly;

I saw the Eiffel Tower;

I ate my weight in cheese, wine and baguettes;

I met my long lost twins;

I owned everyone/everything;

I found myself at a place called VIP Room, where one of my cultural spirit animals, Nicki Minaj, has performed. Obviously didn't know this at the time--or I would have made sure I never washed the dress I wore there ever again.

Ready for my next adventure!

--Fin.--