Open Letter to Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda Bynes,

Go home to LA to be with your parents. You're scaring the people of NYC. Your career is salvageable.

You and your Nickelodeon braintrust were among the most influential pioneers during the advent of the World Wide Web via AmandaPlease.com. Has anyone ever told you with great power comes great responsibility?

Even when you left Nickelodeon you were heading toward greatness. Your performance in She's the Man? My God. You were loving up on Channing Tatum before any of the rest of us even thought to do it. And now look at you.

Driving with a suspended license? That's relatable. Clearly I've never done it but I know people who have and they seem normal. Smoking weed at a Planet Fitness on 4/20? What? Cryptic tweets about murdering your vagina? Girlfriend, THAT'S WEIRD.

I get it--I really do. You were a child celebrity and we saw what happened to MacCaulay Culkin but that is NO EXCUSE. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AMANDA.

Your train wreck stage is hitting me harder than when Britney had her episodes--and I was sure that sort of pain couldn't be paralleled. Don't let me down. And don't shave your head.

Concerned,

Allison

Justin Timberlake: Back With A Vengeance

I woke up yesterday morning with butterflies in my stomach, feeling slightly feverish and a little anxious.

Was it because of Opening Day for Baseball (haha #yankees)?
Was it because I kept hearing about Kevin Ware's shin disaster during the Louisville game?

No. None of that. I knew yesterday was going to be the day I would finally have the opportunity to listen to Justin Timberlake's entire "20/20 Experience" album from start to finish. And so I did.

The album will undoubtedly have historical repercussions. The inaugural song, Pusher Love Girl, really brings new definition to the baby making music genre. Everyone else, step aside.

Listening to Justin Timberlake's music is the closest I've ever come to wanting a romantic yet tempestuous relationship with something non-human. Has Lovestoned/I Think She Knows finally met it's match? What about John Mayer's version of Free Falling? Can you believe there was a time when the thought of John Mayer, self-diagnosed bad boy, singing to me made me melt? I know, I know. I'm embarrassed too. But I'm a grown-ass woman now and I'm getting serious about JT.

Right now my feelings about Justin Timberlake are measuring up to be as strong as my feelings for Beyoncé. Welcome Back, JT, now please cuddle with me.

Girl Scout Cookie Madness

Last year's March Madness bracket was a disaster. There is no denying it. So this year I decided to fill out my own kind of bracket. One allowing me to really blossom:

By default the first round of the Girl Scout Cookie Madness tournament was an Elite Eight competition--and I have to say--it was fierce. All Girl Scout Cookies are winners in their own ways (except for Do-si-dos). Seriously, does anyone out there feel passionately about Do-si-dos?

Tourament Highlights

Tournament Winner: Tagalongs. Tagalongs have a long and proud history of being one of the league's premiere clubs, and to no surprise they really brought the heat in 2013. They are peanut buttery. They are delicious. They are patty-ful. They are amazing in DQ Blizzard form. What more can one ask for? Champion of all champions.

Biggest Sleeper: Savannah Smiles. The Smiles are a relatively new program with a budget notably smaller than that of the more storied squads--Thin Mints, for example. Best served with tea during a midafternoon work slump, these cookies fought the good fight all the way to the finals. The Smiles left nothing to be desired on the court.

Overrated: Samoas. I find Samoas are CONSISTENTLY overrated. Additionally, I've heard whisperings of a potentially permanent name change to 'Caramel deLites'. Really? Whatever happened to predictability? Samoas are nothing more than a strange half-crunchy cohering mass of caramel, coconut and chocolate. Team Samoa has great branding, but a true bracketologist like myself sees through the fluff.

Though the bracket doesn't show it, the Thank U Berry Much was an underdog worth keeping an eye on in the first round. Being able to compete in a league where chocolate-based cookies reign supreme is a victory in and of itself. Well done.

See you all in 2014!

Misheard Lyrics

Buzzfeed published an article last month entitled 15 Classic Lines From Misunderstood Song Lyrics, and overall I have to say I am severely disappointed. The author managed to include one of my favorite misheard lyrics--Manfred Mann's "Blinded by the Light", but failed to take the mistake all the way to the finish line. Buzzfeed mentions that it sounds like "Wrapped Up Like a Douche", but then cuts off. Are you kidding? Clearly the remainder, and most important portion, of the misheard stanza is, "Another Boner in the Night." Don't believe me? Give it a listen here (:15-:24)

Disgraceful. In my family we had a very extensive list of songs we thought we knew the lyrics to, but definitely didn't. Below I outline a comprehensive list of oft-forgot but very prominent misheard lyrics:

Song: "I Wanna be Sedated" The Ramones
Misheard Lyric at :35-:38 --"20-20-20-4 hours ago-o-o-o-...I Want A Piece of Bacon..."

Song: "Higher Love"
Misheard Lyrics at :56-:58 -- "Bake Me a Pie of Love, Bake Me a Pie of Love..whoa oh."

Song: "Stayin' Alive" The Bee Gees
Misheard Lyrics at :32-:37 -- "Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother...Stay in a Line...Stay in a Line..."

(^^This particular misheard lyric was definitely a product of the neurosis injected into us all throughout during elementary school about what would happen if we didn't stay in a line on our way to an assembly.)

Song: "Bailamos" Enrique Iglesias
Misheard Lyrics at 1:08-1:13 -- "Te quiero, a burrito, Te quiero..."

Song: "Funkytown" Lipps Inc.  
Misheard Lyrics at :26-:31 --"Taco Party Taco Party Taco Party...."

Now, chronic non-believers may allege some of these might seem to be a stretch, which I can understand. But to these nay-sayers I proclaim there are OTHER instances in which I know for 100% fact I'm totally right about the lyrics.

Song: "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" Brenda Lee
Corrected Lyrics at :27-:31 "Later we'll have some fuckin' pie"

My sisters and I never asked about it--we all just assumed it was a "big girl" song that we'd be allowed to sing once we hit a certain age. Until that day came it was understood amongst the four of us that we needed to shift our volume from extreme forte to exaggerated piano to make sure we didn't drop the f bomb infront of our parents on our way to grandma's house.

Realization: With the exception of only one, which admittedly was not a misheard lyrics of my own creation, my sisters and I thought we were hearing food-related lyrics when we actually weren't...aka we were starving. All the time.

A's Analogies: Game of Thrones

True or False?

Game of Thrones : Men : Fifty Shades of Grey : Women

I just don't get it. I am officially three episodes into GoT and I remain undecided. So far the show has boasted a surplus Lord of the Rings inspired sex, which is okay, but not much progress in character development. I'm not yet rooting for or against anyone; which is curious because I normally overidentify with characters remarkably early on in my TV relationships (Peggy Olson, "Flynn" Walter Jr. [jk], Lisa Simpson).

Things Working in GoT's Favor:
- Somehow, on a cast list filled with larger than life kings, conniving queens and vengeful nomads--the show's biggest BAMF is a surly, yet shrewd, dwarf.
- 'White Walkers' as potentially deeper and more complex versions of the Walkers I'm accustomed to (The Walking Dead).
- Everything about Arya Stark.
- Adorable/loyal wolves.

I have to say--this list is disappointingly short. I know many people (albiet mostly males) who love Game of Thrones. I suppose I'll continue forth on this particular quest to quench my thirst for addictive TV, but GoT needs to step it up. Asap.

Sopranos Season Finale

You have just entered the Spoiler Zone.

Less than a week ago I finished binge-watching all 86 hours of The Sopranos. Today I'm here to talk about how I'm not sorry about being angry re: the ending.

If it is true Tony was shot to death at the end (and I'm fairly convinced he was thanks to this guy's analysis) then I am DISPLEASED. I really tried to understand the style behind how David Chase conceptualized and subsequently executed the ending. I totally realize the scene in Bobby Bacala's boat from "Soprano Home Movies" (and then flashback to the same scene during the final episode) drove home the suggestion that when you die you probably don't see it coming. I initially "oohed" and "ahhed" at the idea of something so deep and profound coming back to us during the final moments of the series. But then I came to terms with something:

As a proud NJ native with cultural and linguistic ties to North Jersey especially, I became engrossed in The Sopranos. I loved everything about it. At the outset of the final episode I was internally balancing both my sadness of the story being over and my excitement for how it would end. Further, as a novice television series aficionado I grew while watching The Sopranos. I am visually violence-averse, but I withstood -- no, soldiered through the Sopranos. By Season 6's end I was bloodthirsty, and my craving was met with just black. 

I feel that I more than earned the right to watch Tony Soprano's demise in all it's bloody, dramatic and Carmela-witnessing glory. Yet in a 2007 interview with the Star Ledger, David Chase attacked me (yes, ME) with this dagger quote:

"Anybody who wants to watch it, it's all there."

OKAY DAVID. Totally not all there, but I see I won't be getting my way.

Don't mind me. I'll just be here stewing about this until Mad Men comes back (April 7th!).

State of the Union Summary

Monarch processional.

Enter Obama. 20 minutes of handshaking and weak-kneed women literally bowing.

Raise the minimum wage and combat unemployment. It'll work...trust.

Veterans, women and elite pre-schools. Repeat after me.

Renewable resources: You can't afford them but do it for your children, k?

Apple will start making products here in the US. No, seriously.

Biden blinks. and blinks again. and hundreds more times per minute.

Cyber hackers. They gon' find you.

Boehner's pink tie with blue shirt (not a criticism, I heart his bold layering choices).

World Peace.

Legal immigration should be encouraged, but mostly what I'm saying is we need more Chinese and Indian students to stay here once we've given them our "corporate secrets".

My Healthcare Bill - 1, You - 0

Third term? Don't rule it out. 

Gun violence. 

Exit Obama.